Peeping in your partner's devices without their consent is one of those things that is pretty much always going to start a fight. Your partner showing you something is a bit of a gamble, though.
Reddit user "Np1207" found herself on the losing end of that bet when something her husband showed her completely changed her view of him.
She went to the AITA ("Am I The A**hole?") subReddit to get their thoughts by asking:
"Am I the a**hole for getting mad at my husband for having a WhatsApp group named after a bullied girl coworker?"
Before we get into the husband, this WhatsApp group, or the bullied coworker, lets go over how AITA works.
The subReddit is there to help people work through those moral grey-area moments when they're not sure if they were the bad guy or not.
People will share their situation as a post. Other users respond to the original poster ("OP") in the comments, also casting a vote for the system to tally.
Voting Options Are:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
So now that you know how it works, let's get back to this human resources hellscape.
"This is my first post ever and English is not my native language, sorry if I don't explain myself correctly."
"I'm a 29 year old woman. Husband is a 32 year old man. Girl coworker is 32. (I'll name her Stacy)"
"We've been married 5 years now and I've always thought that my husband was respectful to women no matter what - until this incident."
"I'm terribly disappointed and confused. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting but this situation affected my emotions over him more than I could possibly imagine."
"My husband and I were chilling, watching TV, I was resting my head on his arm when I started feeling over and over again his smartwatch vibrating on me."
"It was difficult not to look at the notifications he was receiving. I tried to ignore it a few times but the messages were unending so I couldn't avoid reading that they were from a WhatsApp chat group named something like 'The fathers of ...'
"I laughed and asked him what was that group about, he showed me the complete name of the group 'The fathers of Stacy's daughter.' "
"He explained he and the other members that make up the group (all men) have a pregnant coworker that is having a baby girl. In the beginning the chat was some kind of club for bullying Stacy."
"Supposedly it was named like that out of sarcasm. Like when little kids tell each other 'There goes your girlfriend' referring to a bullied girl for her looks."
"He implied she deserve it because she has a bad attitude at work - and also because she's ugly and fat."
"He was laughing and telling me how funny that was, expecting me to laugh too but I didn't. I got mad and told him how disappointed I felt."
"I told him that I couldn't imagine how it must feel if my male coworkers would ever make fun of me like that."
"I tried to explain how childish and stupid he was. He didn't accept it and said that at some point they stopped talking about Stacy's pregnancy and just kept the name of the group because it was funny."
"He said I was overreacting and that he would never show me anything from his phone ever again. He couldn't understand why I wasn't grateful that he showed me something funny."
Reddit had her back on this one.
"NTA."
"Congratulations, you got to see how cruel and immature your husband is first hand. This is not funny, this is bullying."
"Fair warning that if he does this to others, there's a good chance he's done this about you."
"Of course he said you were overreacting. How crazy of you to react negatively to his bad decisions. (sarcasm)"
"He just broke your trust in him, and had the audacity to tell you that you were wrong for feeling upset. Nah to that." - anchovie_macncheese
"Ugh. NTA."
"The behavior is so gross! You are absolutely right in your anger."
"What your husband is participating in is toxic behavior. I don't have advice for you since I don't know him or your situation, but be sure to trust your instincts!" - Lady_Darkrai
"Noooo NTA. That's so f*cking gross."
"These men are toxic. I see misogyny, fat phobia, bullying, exclusion, and incredible levels of shallowness."
"Like, who cares about her looks? She's your co-worker not your date."
"None of them know how to behave professionally or even with basic human decency. These are adults?!"
"How f*cking hard is to go into your office and do your work without harming your co-workers? Like, this is the sort of shit that spurs suicides. Sickening, truly." - GobsOfficeMagic
"NTA"
"Your husband and his coworkers made fun of another coworker because she is 'fat and ugly.' "
"That's the kind of person your married to. One who thinks it's okay to mock someone for their weight and looks."
"Yeah no; you're completely justified to be angry and disgusted here." - JudgeJedd100
"NTA - this is very revealing of how your husband really feels about women and how he treats women other than you."
"You need to start watching out for other signs of misogyny, like whether he expects you to be the boss of the cleaning, whether he acts entitled to your free labor (like cleaning, cooking and doing the laundry) and also how he feels is appropriate to speak."
"It might not be just women other than you." - ImFinePleaseThanks
"He's never showing you anything again? I'd bet money it's because he's chatting wham about a whole bunch of women on there, including you."
"Your husband is a cruel bully with a hefty dose of misogyny mixed into his 'jokes' and I have no idea how you can move on from this, especially as he doesn't seem sorry about it."
"NTA." - tainkirrahe
"NTA - Your husband likes to bully this woman and laugh when others do so as well."
"There's really no good spin for this. This is your husband, the man you chose above all others to be married to. I think you're right to have concern about that." - NomadicusRex
"NTA."
"Are your husband and coworkers still in middle school or high school? Do they take Stacy's lunch money (or other coworker's food from the company refrigerator)?"
"Good for you to stand up for 'Stacy.' No one deserves to be bullied." - CaptCaffeine
"NTA. I'm so sorry you discovered that your husband has this cruelty within him."
"He's not taking accountability for his actions, he justifies them with irrelevances (who cares if someone has a bad attitude), and is clearly a pig."
"You aren't overreacting and you shouldn't have to explain why this is a f*cked up thing--if you need to paint a scenario with you as 'Stacy,' then your husband lacks empathy big time."
"Your anger at him is more than justified, and I am curious if any of the men at his workplace also have "bad attitudes." Sounds misogynistic to me, tbh."
"Your reactions and feelings are valid and justified. I'd suggest talking to a therapist or TRUSTED friend/family member in order to work all of this out instead of bottling it up."
"This might even open your eyes into some of the ways he treats you. I wish you peace." - modernwunder
"NTA. If this is what he's freely and laughingly sharing, imagine what else is on there and what else he does."
"They're being vicious about that poor woman. That they think she doesn't know (I'm sure she knows they hate her) only makes it dumber, not less malicious."
"This tells you who he is, if ever he's mad at you or you guys break up, that's how he'll act towards you." - Timmetie
"NTA. This is one of those things that would make me reconsider the relationship. He clearly sees nothing wrong with it, which is very concerning." - mnlxzy
Several of the commenters seem to believe this woman has problems on her hands that are much bigger than just her husband's group chat. But everyone was clear she was not the a**hole.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments
Dating can be really hard, because let's be honest, as fun as it's supposed to be, there are some very strange prospects out there.
While some might just be socially awkward, there are definitely some walking red flags, ready to push every boundary, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_End_441 had been talking to a guy for a little while and was planning to go on a first date with him when he started sending her increasingly inappropriate text messages.
But when his texts went far past her comfort zone, especially for someone she'd never met, the Original Poster (OP) planned to call off the date and truly never meet the guy in real life.
She asked the sub:
The OP had been talking to a guy and was looking forward to going on a first date with him.
"For context, I (30 Female) met this guy online and have been talking to him the past few days."
"He asked me out, and we planned a date for today. He seems really nice so far."
"I like him, but he’s made a couple of comments that maybe seem like a red flag to me."
"First off, I did my nails for the date, and he asked me to send him a picture, so I did."
"Then he made some comment like, 'Those would look great wrapped around something.'"
"I kinda brushed it off because I know that’s how some guys are... but it did give me the ick a little."
"Then I asked him to tell me more about himself, and the second thing he told me was that he has a high sex drive."
The potential date texted:
The OP no longer liked the idea of dating the guy.
"Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m wondering what reason you would need to tell this to someone you haven’t even met yet."
"I didn’t think he would be expecting sex on a first date, but this made me rethink."
"I’m also recovering from a surgery that I had three weeks ago, and he knows this. So that literally isn’t even an option for me, not that I would wanna do that on a first date anyway."
The OP considered never meeting the guy in person.
"I kind of feel like he’s making too many sexual comments too quickly, especially considering I didn’t engage with his first comment at all."
"Am I overreacting, feeling like I maybe want to cancel the date and block him?"
"I just feel like these comments are an indicator of his expectations... or maybe he is just 'being a guy'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some had second-hand "ick" from reading that text message.
"NOR. My face when I read that text: [Dan Levy from 'Schitt's Creek']" - Unlikely_Captain_499
"I’d nope out right after the nails comment. After I blast him for being completely out of line." - WHYohWhy__MEohMY
"If he’s that comfortable saying stuff like that before he meets you, imagine what he’ll say after he knows you better." - ScrambledNoggin
"Gross. That joke should be saved for wife or long-term girlfriend where you know you'll get a laugh... or more accurately, an eye-roll and a 'threat' to not sleep with him for the next three months, LOL." - HovercraftIII1258
"Every time I get my nails done, my husband says something similar to that, and I always reply, 'I think they'd look good jammed in your eye sockets,' and we both laugh, LOL. But we've been married for over a decade. When we met and when we were dating, he was incredibly polite and possibly TOO slow in making advances. THIS is gross." - wingin_it0618
"This is exactly what I expect as a response from a man heavily in the dating scene right now. Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control." - BrayIsreal
"If he's giving you the ick, listen to that. It's not going to go away. Don't waste your own time or his. Plenty more fish in the sea, girl." - Zieglest
"As a man who is heavily in the dating world right now, that sounds like such a turn off, and any self-respecting girl who wants an actual relationship would not even talk to him anymore after this. It's so cringey and makes all of us guys look like there's no reason we want to go out with them other than getting laid. As a guy, it's really annoying; it makes girls weirded out by all of us. Sigh."
"Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control."
"That was the dumbest thing he could say to kill his chances. I wouldn't bother with him." - BrayIsReal
"NOR, I wouldn’t want to go anymore either. Making multiple sexual comments before even meeting someone is purposeful, and I doubt he remembers that you can’t do anything due to your surgery or even considers whether you want to."
"Don’t brush off how your gut makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to go." - AliBari
Others urged the OP to listen to her gut, not to go on that date, and to immediately block the guy.
"If he is already this forward, making sexual comments to a complete stranger, then it will only increase from here; he’s not going to suddenly stop. OP, if he already makes you feel uncertain or pressured, then don’t bother." - saiphxo
"Your gut is telling you something and wants to keep you safe. Don't ignore it." - SparkEli1
"Stay far, far away from this guy. Block. Don't look back. Men like this use high sex drive as a disclaimer for zero boundaries later." - CompetitionLankys
"Trust your intuition. Don’t go."
"I (39 Female) am very comfortable with casual sex and hook-ups. When single, I have never needed an emotional connection with a man to let off some steam. I don’t need him to make me feel special or like we have potential. I don’t need to know his hopes and dreams. I separate men into 'just sex' and 'potential for more' easily."
"I do need him to show the most basic level of respect and not be a creep. I would stop talking to this guy the instant he started speaking like that, even if my intention was to just f**k him."
"We are already talking, we are already about to go on a date, why is he turning it creepy sexual, what is that doing for either of us. It just speaks to a lack of judgment, I wouldn’t want to trust. If he can’t handle a basic text conversation without being a creep, why would I trust him to be alone with me?" - TheCa11ousB**h
"Ok, so I'm a degenerate, but even I wouldn't say something like 'those would look good wrapped around something' to a person I'd never met."
"I mean... do I have to be dad here and say the obvious? It's some guy on the internet who's looking to f**k. Is that really what you want? He can't even be bothered to type the d in the word 'and.'"
"Also, your nails look cool." - skippybeefree
"I’m more insulted that it’s just a terribly uncreative line. This guy's a bum!"
"Also, it's a huge red flag is the first thing he describes himself as a clean freak and needs things done his way. Sounds like a control freak, which would make me dip out immediately." - JeromeBarkley
"Only you know what you need to do. Feel safe. Feel comfortable. Feel SAFE!"
"If you don't, then cancel."
"Some men (I am a man) sometimes say way too much way too soon, and some men don't know how to hold a decent conversation. Sometimes just telling them how you feel about the sexual comments and seeing his reaction will tell you more than anything else he has ever said to you up until this point."
"But always remember you can choose to back out at any point in a date, even if you turn up to have dinner but can't walk in. The same goes for him as well if he turns up but doesn't walk in. We all have the right to feel safe and comfortable, especially on a first date." - Ok_goal6591
It was possible that the guy was just excited about the date, nervous to talk to someone new, socially awkward, or just joking at an inappropriate level.
Unfortunately, though, it was much more likely that these comments indicated the guy's expectations for the first date and how he would treat the OP if she set boundaries, especially regarding his inability to perform after surgery for safety reasons.
While it would be fun to meet someone new, it was much safer for the OP to wait for someone else.