For most families in most parts of the world, it takes some drastic circumstances for both parents to lose custody of their child.
In some cases, another family member steps in. However, if the child’s visitation with their parents is restricted under court orders, it can become complicated when other family members get involved.
A woman with legal custody of her younger sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over visitation violations by family members.
MilaniesMoney asked:
“AITA for telling my aunt & family that they’ve lost access to my sister?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“A few days ago, I (23, female) was supposed to pick up my little sister (7, female) whom I have sole custody of, but my Aunt (32, female) overstepped and said she would pick her up and drop her off to me.”
“She took 45 minutes to do so, although I live 10 minutes away and was only 5 minutes away from pickup.”
“Fast forward to the next day, my little sister informs me that while she was with our Aunt, she saw our estranged mother whom she is only allowed to see during supervised visits with CPS.”
“I texted my Aunt and asked her if it were true. She began telling me there was ‘no need for me to tell you because that is her mom’ and she began attacking me verbally.”
“She said she isn’t wrong for hiding it. She invalidated how I felt. She disregarded how crucial it is for me to know these things.”
“The rest of my family also began to text me. My grandma even took her side.”
“I told them that they have lost access for not understanding the sacrifices I’ve made for my sister, not understanding that I’ve committed the rest of my life to this & not respecting my wishes.”
“I told them I can get in trouble for their wrong doing & so can they!”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I want to know if I’m the a**hole for telling my family they’ve lost access to my sister. They’re acting as if I am, by invalidating what I am saying.”
“I think I can be harsh sometimes so, maybe I am being an a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Tell them that their actions could essentially f*ck up the entire visitation process for the mom!”
“Tell them that you’re following the rules which are in place for a reason—whatever that is, the aunt and grandmother know damn well the problem with ‘mom’—and that if under YOUR watch your sister has been allowed to see her mom unsupervised, it might even mess up your custody and put your sister’s custody in jeopardy and take her away from ALL of you.”
“So tell them that apparently YOU’RE the only grown-up here—which is why you have custody and they don’t—and that it’s easy to act irresponsibly when they have NO skin in the game, no responsibility towards this child AT ALL, but because YOU bear sole responsibility for the health and welfare of your sister, YOU make the decisions and YOU abide by the rules.”
“Thank you for being there for her, and please seek out others in your family or a support of some kind to help you through this nightmare family you have. Your sister is lucky to have you.” ~ Canadian_01
“NTA, mom has COURT ORDERS about her visitation. They all just helped her break those and could get in A LOT of trouble.” ~ hBoBh
“I’m not sure where aunt picked up your sister from, but if it was school or after-school care, make sure you remove your aunt and other family members from the list of who can pick her up. Tell them you and only you are allowed to pick her up. NTA.” ~ hyperRed13
“NTA. I’ve been exactly where you are, seriously. Like custody of my sister with the mother only allowed supervised visitation and family acting like you are the bad guy.”
“Just remember that it isn’t just your mom. It requires a whole family system of toxic people to keep an abuser going.”
“Those people are choosing to believe and act the way they do quite simply because it is more convenient for them to believe you are an evil villain tearing lives apart than face the truth—I was accused of brainwashing personally.”
“It is selfish and gross and has absolutely nothing to do with the reality that you are a damn hero.”
“I know you are sacrificing a lot, but even though it is a mess you are making a huge difference in your sister’s life. You might be saving it—no exaggeration.”
“I’m just an internet stranger, but for what it’s worth there are people out there that understand how amazing you are and I’m one of them. Hang in there, I am rooting for you both.” ~ BerdLaw
“Girl, you are doing SO WELL. I agree with other commenters, you should report this—definitely don’t let CPS find out by accident.”
“It might mess up her mom’s visitations, but so be it, sounds like that’d be for the best anyway. Truly, you’re doing everything right.”
“You’re a rock star. Sending love to you and your sister. NTA.” ~
“I agree with everyone who has said to report the unauthorized visitation to CPS, the social worker, and your attorney. And the family court.”
“It may be time to BE the villain your family thinks you are and go all out to protect your sister. It may be the only way they learn to not put your sister in danger. NTA.” ~ JustmyOpinion444
“Please remember that they want what is easiest for your mom. You want what is best for your sister and those are two very different things. NTA.” ~ carrieberry
“NTA. Wait until CPS figures out she’s seeing her child unsupervised. Hurt feelings is a lot better than jail.” ~ Arakarani
“I don’t know what’s happened in the past, but I do know that for custody to be taken from a parent, and a requirement for CPS supervision on visits, there has to be a serious reason in play.”
“So aunt is:”
“Wrong about a need to tell you, because you have sole custody and are presumably her legal guardian now.”
“Wrong for hiding it—and the fact she DID hide it makes it clear she knows she’s in the wrong.”
“Wrong for assuming she can ignore a court order like that.”
“NTA in the least—you’re a good person—and she should probably be counting herself lucky that the police aren’t involved.” ~ ieya404
“NTA. You had me at ‘only allowed to be seen during supervised visits with CPS’.”
“Of course your aunt and family are being a**holes here, and if they can’t follow a simple rule, then of course you shouldn’t give them access to your sister.”
“I don’t know the details, but it seems unlikely that CPS would put a restriction like that in place for no reason.”
“Also, I suggest that you let CPS know what happened. Building a paper trail for things like this can often be very valuable.”
“Keeping secrets from government agencies often ends poorly.” ~ SushiGuacDNA
“NTA. They were not just interfering with your rules as her legal guardian, it sounds like they were ignoring court orders. That should be taken seriously.”
“If you value them being in her life, you might still offer that they visit her (just no taking her unsupervised), but it doesn’t sound like they even want to acknowledge overstepping.”
“They should understand it’s not only whatever sort of danger that caused CPS to supervise visits in the first place, but also encouraging your child to take part in a lie, and any legal complications that may later cause.”
“Probably not from one visit, but if she kept up a pattern of ignoring the supervision requirement that could be a problem). If you had a lawyer who handled the custody issues, you might want to let them know, as well as CPS.” ~ Pandaora
“NTA. You need to contact your sister’s caseworker IMMEDIATELY. You should also contact her school/activities and inform them of legally necessary changes to the pick-up list to ensure that only you or your trusted emergency contact can pick up kiddo.”
“CPS is already involved, and you need their resources and caregiver support to go after your aunt and extended family for violating the law and endangering your sister again. Please, please do not wait.” ~ JustJudgin
“NTA at all. This is very serious and could lead to major legal problems…not to mention the emotional problems of mistrust and betrayal.”
“Your aunt has shown she cannot be trusted and you are right to protect your sister from her and other family members taking that side.” ~ anonymom135
“Absolutely NTA. You should probably go no contact with the whole family if this is how they’re going to behave. Clearly they do not have the best interests of your sister in mind.”
“And absolutely her CPS case manager needs to be informed of the unauthorized visitation.”
“It’s absurd that they would care more about your mother than the welfare of a LITERAL CHILD, when the courts have made a decision on her behalf. It’s bullsh*t, and good for you for having your sister’s back.” ~ Morsac
The OP got plenty of validation and advice. Hopefully, it will help them navigate this complicated situation more easily.