Parents get to choose every person who is involved with their kid's life.
That is well within their rights.
But what if your partner disagrees with judging someone's past on their past history?
Sexual history, that is.
Case in point...
Redditor garlic_riot_187 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for wanting to limit my B[rother] I[n] L[aw]'s access to my unborn daughter because of his dating choices?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Dummy account because the relevant parties are on Reddit."
"I (31 F[emale]) am pregnant with a girl."
"My husband (33) has a younger brother (31) whose he's very close to."
"However, I recently told my husband that I don't feel comfortable with the idea of his brother spending much time with my daughter once she's born."
"It's not because of my BIL himself."
"We're not close but he's fine."
"The issue is his life choices."
"He's not married, has no intention of getting married or having kids, and dates only for sexual purposes."
"He dates multiple women, and the only thing he has in common with them is that, like him, they are extremely good-looking."
"He's highly intelligent, yet he has no interest in meaningful relationships."
"I spoke to him about his choices a few years ago, and after accusing me of being 'moralistic', he claims that he always uses protection and he never leads the women on."
"Which I call crap on, as I can't imagine any woman with an increasingly ticking biological clock would willingly be in a relationship which she knows doesn't have a future."
"Not to mention, what woman would want to be with someone who may not even remember your name in a year's time?"
"I mentioned this to my husband, however he called me an AH, and said that it was ridiculous to limit our daughter's access with her uncle just because I don't agree with his legal dating choices."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. I t's 2023. It's okay for women to like sex outside of the quest to 'land' a husband."
"As long as he's being honest and safe, what's the problem?" ~ madelinegumbo
"35, also absolutely no interest in children except to maybe foster at some point."
"There is literally nothing wrong with not having children, not wanting to have children, and only dating for sex."
"OP, I have had many relationships that are just about the sex."
"Great f**ks are great f**ks we both know what we want and have a good time and that's wonderful."
"Hell I'm currently dating two people. They both know about each other. We are consenting adults having loving relationships and fanf**kingtastic sex."
"You need to stop being so judgmental of other people's decisions. OP, YTA." ~ Glittering_Act_4059
"Since I was 15 I wanted my uterus removed. The reason?"
"I just don't want to deal with it, and never do I wanna be pregnant either."
"All I want ever is to foster and adopt."
"Literally, that's the only way I'll ever get a kid: adopting."
"I don't need any 'Biological clock' for that, nor have I ever shown interest and I'm 29 soon!
Agreed that OP is YTA." ~ CactusEar
"NOT THE APPS!!!! think of the children!!!!"
"I mean, the only person bothered is an adult that's not even sleeping with him, but come on, she is pregnant so she knows what's up with him and life and his future."
"Imagine someone who doesn't want her life! what a joke! it can't be possible!!!!"
"She is married and pregnant and therefore superior to anyone else."
"Her child deserves sexual role models that don't get laid or use apps, they must marry people who are sane enough and then lose their minds whenever family doesn't comply with sexual morals of the best possible human who is clearly the epitome of morality since she got knocked up by a dude as opposed to her dirty B[rother] I[n[ L[aw] dragging her unborn child down."
"I wonder what sex is like for people like this."
"Is it obligation or responsibility for their husband's sexuality that drives this lunacy?"
"Is it amazing sex or just the concept of someone enjoying it that makes them nuts?" ~ Meowrarri878
"This. OP do you live under a rock?? You do realize it's 2023, right?"
"Not everyone's gonna live the same life as you, that doesn't make them less than."
"You can look down and judge people from your high horse if you want, but you'll just end up hurting yourself when people realize they don't want to be around you, including your husband and daughter."
"Just judge him silently in your head and move on with your life, because the bottom line is- his actions do not affect you, nor do they have anything to do with you." ~ Enuidanced
"OP is definitely an AH and likely a slut shaming, judgmental, close-minded person."
"Seems like anything outside what you like or think is right is unacceptable."
"I'd watch out for your own biases and treatment of others because you're definitely going to f**k up your kid."
"I fear for your daughter's future because of how critical you'll be of her and anything she does."
"Your kid isn't even born yet, but look how controlling you already are. Big yikes." ~ amt226
"YTA. Not everyone dates for marriage."
"Not everyone wants marriage, or long-term relationships, or even short-term ones."
"That doesn't make them morally bankrupt."
"People who have life goals that don't match yours aren't morally bankrupt."
"Get off your high horse, pal." ~ QueenMoogle
"YTA. And a judgmental, ignorant person."
"You do know that not everyone is interested in monogamy and children, right?"
"That not every woman has an 'increasing ticking biological clock?'"
"Has it not occurred to you that some women have no interest in marriage or children and that their choices are just as valid as yours?"
"Where the f**k do you get off talking to him about his choices?"
"As long as all of his partners are consenting adults, then he is doing nothing wrong, and his choices are just as good as yours."
"Though he is obviously a much better person than you if he isn't openly judging how you live your life." ~ perfectpomelo3
"I wish I could upvote this 100 times."
"It drives me mad how society still sees marriage and babies as basically the only purpose of life."
"This is especially so for women, but also men are often seen as less trustworthy if they aren't married."
"Sometimes it's by choice. Other times it's just that life hasn't worked out that way."
"OP needs to mind her own business and stop obsessing over what other people do with their genitals." ~ SmarttyPantsOG
"YTA. You're a major AH."
"Your brother-in-law was completely right."
"You're projecting your moralistic standards and your view of the role of women onto him and the people he dates."
"I've got news for you."
"There are lots of women out there who aren't pining away for Marriage or children."
"If your brother-in-law and these women decide to go out on dates, it's absolutely categorically none of your business, and your way out of line on this." ~ PilotEnvironmental46
"YTA. Believe it or not, there are women out there who aren't interested in relationships or children."
"If he doesn't bring his sex partners around your daughter, then his sex life should have absolutely zero effect on her."
"You're pushing your morals on him, and it's unfair to deny him a relationship with his niece because of his sex life." ~ AgentAlpo
"YTA. First thing - not all women want to be in a relationship."
"Not all women want to have children."
"Restricting his access to his niece because you don't like that he doesn't want to get married or have a serious relationship is just a complete and total AH move." ~ honey-smile
"YTA. His dating choices are his own, and you have zero reasons to believe he is being dishonest with the women he dates other than a belief that no woman could possibly want something different from what you want."
"Moreover, there is zero connection between his dating choices and your child."
"Him not being married does not somehow endanger her."
"You are just weaponizing your child to manipulate your BIL into making life choices you are more comfortable with." ~ morgaine125
"YTA. Please step off your soapbox and realize your BIL isn't hurting anyone, most certainly not his infant niece, with the fact that he's unfortunately attractive."
"Jealous you got the wrong brother?"
"And dates attractive women (more than you?)."
"What exactly are you pretending to protect your daughter from here?" ~ dart1126
"YTA. Will you be doing background checks on everyone else to see if they morally measure up."
"What about the teacher who cheats, the dance teacher who's gay, the daycare worker who loves to party?"
"This isn't about his dating life."
"This is about jealousy and envy."
"He's got a life of freedom you resent, so you want to kick him in the shins."
"Your husband and his family are seeing this as a huge red flag."
"How many other red flags are you flying? Tread carefully."
"Sometimes, when you are trying to manipulate others into isolation, you end up alone." ~ AdOne8433
Well, OP, Reddit has some issues with YOUR choices.
Maybe focus more on your life and not other people's.
You're gonna need all the babysitters you can get.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp