Be careful with whom you share personal information.
You never know when it will come back to haunt you.
A bisexual guy's family hung out by the fire, and a conversation he wasn't prepared for suddenly changed the mood.
Redditor FirefighterOdd7228 visited the "Am I the A** Hole?" (AITAH) subReddit and stated:
"My girlfriend outed me to my family."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 24 M[ale], and she's 31 F[female]."
"I'm bisexual, but it's not something I talk about, especially not with family."
"Admittedly, I've never had a public boyfriend or what could be described as a 'relationship' with a man. As far as my family knows, I'm straight."
"My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and I only recently introduced her to my family."
"On the last day of the visit to my parents, we were all outside around the fire. Some people, including my girlfriend were drinking wine. That's when she made a comment about me being bisexual."
"Everyone heard. I froze up at that moment and gave her a look. She laughed it off, played with my hair, and kept talking. Luckily, it came across as a joke to most of my family, but not my dad."
The OP described how the family dynamic suddenly shifted.
"His demeanor that night changed and the morning before I left, he was being distant. I just know he's thinking about what she said. It's really messing with my head."
"To give you a bit of an idea about him. He's very rigid/conservative. I started modelling some years ago and he's had a hard time with that. When I went to Europe for work and he saw some of the editorials my mom showed him, he hated the looks, and I became very selective of what I share."
"I'm back in my city now, and I live with my girlfriend."
"I'm so angry at her, but she claims it was a slip-up from being drunk."
The OP continued:
"Personally, no amount of alcohol would have me outing someone in front of their family. She only had one glass of wine. Instead of apologizing, she's focusing on how I should just distance myself from my family if they won't accept me."
He then asked:
"AITAH for hanging onto this? My girlfriend thinks I'm being immature and holding onto a 'grudge'"
"Edit to include: My girlfriend knows I'm bi. I do disclose to partners. I just don't disclose publicly. I think it's unnecessary and not anyone's business who I'm attracted to except the people I'm involved with. My girlfriend also knew I wasn't out to family, and even though she only met them recently, she knew how they are."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a** hole (NTA) here.
"There are two things you said that give me pause:"
"She's not sorry."
"She said you should distance yourself from your family if 'they can't accept you.' "
"It's not up to her to make that choice for you, and it seems like (admittedly very well done) manipulation. She's trying to isolate you from your family while making it seem like you made that choice despite her having outed you and making things tense."
"I can't say for sure she's manipulating you, but having grown up with that crap, it's making alarm bells blare in my mind."
"NTAH, but keep your eyes and ears open to what she says, how she says it, and what she does regarding all your other relationships. Anyone close to you being pushed away needs to realized by you before you end up all alone with just her as your support network." – notheretoargu3
"Telling your father in a manner selected by you is important. She took this from you and really doesn't give a crap that it happened." – AlwaysHelpful22
"What she did was already egregious in itself, but her reaction is even more unforgivable! She knew damn well what she did could tear your family apart, ruin your mental health, not to mention rob you of your consent and agency in coming out on your own. And she doesn't care! It shows you what a selfish, reckless, amoral piece of work she really is."
"Your relationship can't recover from this. On top of your (I hope) incompatibility with an awful human being, you will never be able to trust her again." – Sebscreen
"Abusive people do what they can to isolate their partner from their families so they FEEL like they have more control over their partner. News flash: it doesn't end there. She'll isolate you from everyone who can communicate to you how toxic her behavior and who could support you during a breakup."
"The bottom line is, you can't trust the person you're sharing your bed with. If she'd do this to you in front of your family, knowing how conservative they are, she'll do it at odd random times like your work Christmas party."
"And alcohol had nothing to do with this. This is your partner, showing you who she is. She's the type of woman who will steal you agency from you in the most embarrassing, destructive way, in front of people you love, and then just laugh it off and encourage you to go no contact with the very loved ones where blindsided by her in the first place. Always remember she did something truly reprehensible that hurt you and then doubled down, refusing to take responsibility or apologize."
"Imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life about everything. She just imploded your relationship and now is gaslighting you about it. NTA, but now is the time to save yourself from a lifetime of toxicity with her." – CartoonistFirst5298
"NTA. She did that on purpose. I think your dad is mad that he heard that from someone other than YOU. You should take her advice and also distance yourself from HER. Question: does she have an issue with you being bi? Has she given you any sense she does? " – Maverick_j2k
"NTA, please dump her. Also, as someone who is 33, it's absolutely weird for someone age 29 to start dating someone who is 22. That, combined with her lack of apology and insistence on distancing from your family, makes this extremely uncomfortable." – OopsSecondSaji
"Being drunk is one thing. Being FLIPPING 31 is another. And adult that age should be way more responsible. Not only did she have a terrible, thoughtless slip, she refused to take accountability and pushed the blame on someone else."
"I don't know anything else about her, but this alone doesn't make her look good at all in my eyes."
"NTA." – DoubleH_5823
"NTA. This is a tough one, just in terms of if you can move past this or not. I guess you basically need to figure out what you would need to see from her in order to actually move past this, if you decide to stay together."
"She certainly doesn't seem very remorseful, though. Maybe she would need to stop drinking because I'd be worried she'd continue to keep spilling secrets, whether you're around her at the time or not. Trust is really hard to get back, and you're absolutely NTA, that's for sure." – jgasbarro
"As a queer person: you never out someone else. It's their own story to tell when they want, who they want, and why they want. It may not be the case for you, but you can put someone's safety in jeopardy by outing them." – Ok_Produce_9308
"NTA."
"I'd suggest you're GF to not drink if she loses her bearing that easily. Outing personal information, especially by a significant other, ain't it?"
"She then hasn't apologized and is trying to make your family the primary target. She knows she messed up and wants to be loose and joking about it cause she doesn't see it a problem." – Revered-Sesshomaru
"As a bisexual male, most women do not understand that coming out as a bisexual male, and coming out as a bisexual woman, are very different things."
"Society is more accepting of women challenging gender norms or identities as there is a massive wave of feminism and woman's rights changing the world for the better currently."
"Men can often face more feedback from relatives when exploring sexuality or gender identities, especially from conservative families."
"This issue isn't about how she outed you. It's that she does not understand the heaviness behind what she did. Not necessarily the 'consequences' but how it can change your family's perception of you."
"Explain this to her, don't make her feel bad about it. It sounds like she was just talking passionately about her partner, and let something private slip. Emphasize how much this affects your relationship with your family and father. She may not have had an issue coming out, hence why she doesn't seem a problem." – TipNo750
Overall, Redditors supported the OP's resentment for his girlfriend's indiscretion, especially after not showing signs of regret for something that clearly bothered the OP.
With the damange already done, however, hopefully the OP will have a meaningful discussion with his dad in attempt to resolve the lingering tension.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.