All relationships are unique.
From the hobbies and interests they share to the way they communicate.
Indeed, the way some couples communicate might seem odd, to the point of being off-putting to others.
It's always best not to rush to judgment, as long as it's not negatively affecting others; it could very well be their way of showing affection, drawing them closer together.
That is, as long as they are both on the same page.
The boyfriend (bf) of Redditor Ok-Protection6128 recently made a remark that she felt needed to be called out.
Unfortunately, when she did, her bf clapped back with what the OP viewed as ragebait.
While the original poster (OP) tried to express that this sort of behavior really hurt her, her boyfriend instead chose to defend his behavior, claiming it was his "love language".
Wondering if it was even worth staying in this relationship, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for getting seriously upset at my bf for 'ragebaiting' me?"
The OP explained why a recent exchange with her boyfriend led her to seriously consider ending the relationship:
"So I (19 F[emale]) was having a conversation about Pride Month with my bf (19 M[ale]), and he was complaining about it being the same month as Men's Mental Health Month."
"I called him out for that because he was sounding homophobic."
"He then proceeded to present two scenarios."
"Case 1: A gay man is in a relationship with an unsuspecting woman and tells her he's been gay the whole time. How would the woman react?
"To which I said that he'd be the one at fault for wasting the time of both parties and bringing unnecessary hurt."
"She'd have the right to be distressed.
"Case 2: A lesbian is in a relationship with a man and tells him she's a lesbian. How would the man react?"
"He didn't give me a chance to answer and said the man wouldn't mind that she is a lesbian."
"Then he asked, 'who's being the real homophobe here?'"
"To me, this felt like an attempted personal jab because I'm bisexual and have had experiences with women before getting into this relationship."
"So he was trying to suggest that I was being a homophobe for saying the woman in the first scenario had the right to be angry while he didn't mind that I had been with women before."
"That in itself, I thought, is stupid reasoning, and I was trying really hard to make him understand."
"But he kept calling me a homophobe and being condescending about it the entire conversation."
"When I finally got really mad, he said it was just 'ragebait' and that he knew his reasoning and comparison were wrong."
"He just wanted to take the piss out of me for fun."
"This isn't the first time he's shrugged off things that hurt me by calling them 'ragebait'."
"He says it's his 'love language' and that I should chill."
"I tell him there's harmless silly 'ragebait' that I can get behind, but not this."
"Am I the asshole for considering to end things just because of this pattern?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would be more than justified in leaving her boyfriend because of the way he treated her.
Everyone agreed that what the OP was doing wasn't "love language" but was blatant abuse, and the OP shouldn't have to put up with it:
"Why are you dating someone whose 'love language' is making you angry?"- DrTeethPhD
“'Making you angry is my love language' is one heLL of a red flag."- Training-Guitar-4772
"My ex used to 'rage bait' me."
"It was abuse."
"It's abuse."
"They like getting us riled up because they think it's fun."- Legitimate_Book_5196
"You're both still teens."
"Just leave him to his silly little boy games and walk away."- redditorperth
"Am I going over the line when I say that his 'love language' sure sounds abusive?"
"I’m also wondering how he’d react if you said you are happy he’s ok with it because you’ve been involved with another woman all along?"- Entire-Flower1259
"Tell him you're all for him supporting men's mental health month by him getting some therapy for his 'love language'."- SushiGirlRC
"I'm going to tell you something I wish I'd learned at your age."
"Teenage and young 20s men are awful, and you should not waste time with one the moment they show you red flags."
"Don't waste your time or energy on them, most of them are years away from being decent humans, if they ever mature."- Bippityboppitynope
"If ragebait is his love language, get used to being angry a lot."
"Or, drop him so he can learn something."
"That making your girlfriend angry is not a good way to keep a girlfriend."- wordsmythy
"NTA."
"Break up now."
"Anyone who wants to 'take the piss out of you for fun' is a walking red flag."
"He got to insult you repeatedly, then brush it off after he'd mad you really mad. It's his pattern of putting you in your place and taking you down a notch."- LlamaMama56
"NTA."
"You don't need a valid reason to end a relationship if you don't want to be with him, and this behavior disturbs you, then leave."
"There's nothing wrong with it."- Extra-Trouble5332
"So his love language is being a complete f*cking a**hole to his partner."
"How awesome for you."
"Definitely NTA if you kick his pathetic a** self to the curb."
"Gross."- emryldmyst
"That sounds exhausting."
"Why are you with him?"
"I would not have time for that sort of BS."
"Also, this is the equivalent of testing your boundaries by saying something awful then saying 'I'm just joking'."
"And finally, it's love language?"
"WTF?"
"What's loving about intentionally pissing off your partner?"
"You are young, move on."- RoutineActivity9536
"Many months celebrate multiple things; and does he think that queer men don't suffer mental health issues?"- Ryinth
"Why are you wasting your time with this moron?"- zoeybeattheraccoon
"NTA."
"You are 19."
"You deserve better than someone who acts like this in a disagreement."
"He's shown you who he is."
"Believe him."
"You have ample time to find better."- Selaura
"NTA."
"Your boyfriend is immature and manipulative, and you would be better off without him."
"He riles you up for his entertainment."
"That isn’t a love language, it is a red flag for abuse."
"There are plenty of straight cis men who have been blindsided and deeply wounded by their partner coming out as lesbian after many years and even having children together."
"They feel the same way about non-consensually being used as a beard as women do."
"Men also stereotypically finding lesbians hot doesn’t factor into the betrayal of thinking your entire relationship was a lie."
"Men and women being left by a partner who came out as gay also have to cope with a broken heart while the person that hurt them gets celebrated for their bravery in coming out."
"It is a really difficult situation, especially if they have children together and have to co-parent."
"Your partner being offended that Pride month also coincides with men’s mental health month and then dismissing men’s actual mental health being affected by their partner coming out as lesbian is certainly an interesting (stupid) perspective.
"You’re going to outgrow this guy emotionally and intellectually very quickly."
"Pick someone else."- IllustratorSlow1614
"NTA."
"It sounds like he‘s not only incredibly immature, but also has faulty logic and poor reasoning abilities since neither case is focused on prior relationships."
"The relevant issue is whether or not the current relationship can move forward."- BellzaBeau
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, while also taking some accountability for what she said and how she planned on proceeding with her boyfriend:
"I read through each and every comment, and I'd like to thank this community for giving me your honest opinions and advice."
"It also helped me understand that my answer to the first question was a little out of touch and I should've been more considerate of people who actually get into those situations without any malicious intent."
"Furthermore, I've decided to really break it off with him next week and let him know how he hurt me, as I don't want to constantly tolerate being distressed for his own entertainment."
"This was a great eye-opening experience for me. Thank you."
It's very easy for people to blow off poor or off-putting behavior and try to justify it by saying it's just "their thing" or something similar.
If "their thing" hurts people, though, it shouldn't be brushed off.
Something the OP has thankfully come to realize.
