Content Warning: Abusive Relationships
Not every couple is perfect, but sometimes it isn’t always obvious at first that something is wrong in the relationship.
Unfortunately, it can mean for something much worse, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor LopsidedYesterday241 was really taken aback when her boyfriend became upset about what she was wearing just because a guy friend was present.
But when he demanded she leave the party to go change, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for calling my boyfriend a creep and telling him that he’s not my dad?”
The OP recently went out to a party with friends and her boyfriend.
“I (23 Female) was invited to an outing with a few of my friends from College.”
“There were 8 girls including me and 4 guys including my boyfriend (only 1 of them was our friend, the other 3 were dating one of us.)”
“I invited my boyfriend (23 Male, fake name Noah) to come with us since everyone made it clear they were fine with him coming.”
“They liked him, as we’ve been dating for 3 years and they all knew him. He accepted and was happy.”
Her boyfriend complimented her on what she was wearing.
“The day of the outing I was getting ready when my boyfriend walked in.”
“I was wearing my favorite dress, which had spaghetti straps. It wasn’t too short or anything and didn’t show any of my cleavage.”
“He said something along the lines of, ‘You look nice,’ and left the room.”
That was until they got to the party.
“We got to the outing which was about an hour away. We went in and saw everyone and were happy for a while.”
“That was until my friend David (24 Male) showed up. He was the only male friend in the group that wasn’t anyone’s boyfriend.”
“Noah instantly got quiet and stayed around/close to me.”
“Every time David got close to me, Noah would huff and puff but not say anything else.”
“I found this odd because he was close to David in the past but didn’t say anything.”
But then the OP’s boyfriend’s demands surprised her.
“Eventually, Noah pulled me aside. He said, ‘Why would you wear that if you knew David was coming? You need to go home and change.'”
“I was taken aback since he said it was fine earlier. I told him, ‘I’m not driving two hours total just to change my dress.'”
“‘Yes, you are. I don’t like you wearing that dress around him.'”
“He called me a few rude names, which I returned with, ‘You’re being a creep honestly. You’re not my dad, stop dictating what I wear,’ and walked away from the situation.”
Her boyfriend was furious.
“Noah stormed out and took the car home.”
“A friend who lived nearby said she’d give me a ride home after hearing what happened.”
“Alright, cool, problem solved. We enjoyed the rest of our outing and David never made any weird remarks or looked at me weirdly.”
The argument didn’t stop there.
“When I got home, Noah gave me the silent treatment.”
“He also told his parents who are saying I’m the AH (which is why I’m making this post) but most of my friends disagree.”
“After posting this, I realize this was not the first situation of his jealousness.”
“He always wrote it off as him being caring until this happened as it was the first major situation, and it truly opened my eyes.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to recognize the potential signs of abuse.
“At first, it’s about what you’re (not) allowed to wear. Second, it’s who you’re (not) supposed to be friends with. Then it’s how often you’re allowed to visit your own family. Where are you allowed to work? How are you allowed to spend your money?”
“And before you know it, you are isolated from your friends, family, with no money, completely dependent on him, and with no way out.”
“I’m not exaggerating. This is how abuse starts. Pay attention to it.” – Laurelinn
“Run, don’t walk, from this boy. This controlling behavior will only escalate. NTA.” – OkieGypsy
“This happens A LOT. Every single one of my female friends has had at least one boyfriend/ husband do this very thing, and it aaaaalways starts the same way.” – Haloperimenopause
“Not only was he jealous but he ditched you an hour’s car ride away from home with no notice. And if he was concerned by your friend David then he ditched you with people he suspected of being dangerous to you.”
“There is no excuse for that. None.”
“You were treated like an object, dared to have an opinion that was not his and he punished you, for not obeying his very unreasonable demands? Seriously this is not a ‘couples therapy’ level problem, this is a get-away from the controlling and dangerous BF problem. What if your friend wasn’t able to give you a ride home?” – M89-90
“OP, you have seen a major red flag. This type of treatment will only get worse. Take it from someone who ignored red flags once upon a time; this is a slippery slope that is so hard to climb out of once you fall.”
“You deserve better treatment than this, everyone does. It is not sweet, it is not a sign of caring, it is abuse through and through.” – Puzzleheaded_Age_342
“Here’s the thing. Sometimes people get jealous. What you do then is talk about it. You don’t dictate what your partner wears and you don’t stomp off and you don’t give them the silent treatment.”
“People get to have feelings, even feelings we may not agree with. It’s what you do with the feelings that counts.” – ughneedsausername
“Not only did he overreact to your dress, he actually left you stranded over an hour away! I wouldn’t care what his parents said. That is not what someone who loves you does.”
“NTA.” – Mrs239
Others pondered what Noah must have told his parents after the fact.
“I’d be willing to bet that the story BF told them was anything but what really happened.”
“He likely made it sound like she was provocatively flirting with David, or specifically dressed super-sexy to nab David, or something awful like that.” – Pumpkin_Pie_1474
“Controlling AND he ran home to cry to his parents.”
“OP, get out as fast as Noah left you at the party!” – biancanevenc
“It appears he also has a family just waiting in the wings like vultures waiting to dig their talons in, too.” – PickleNotABigDill
“I’m not sure what he truly told his parents. I’ll bet if you forwarded this post to them, they wouldn’t be calling you the AH.”
“But the fact that he ran to Mommy is another red flag… Is he a teenager lying about his age or something? NTA.” – rpsls
“If I did something like this and my parents got the full story I would be told I was being an idiot and needed to apologize in stereo.”
“The fact that they agree (if they have the full story) is worrisome, because there is even less of a chance that this behavior was a one-off.” – tinaciv
“Was it a sundress? There have been some weird stories about sundresses lately. I had no idea guys got this crazy about shoulders being visible.”
“He is obviously jealous of Dave. He thinks his jealousy gives him the right to treat you like property. You are right that is creepy.”
“That has to be hard for him to hear but it is a necessary truth that he needs to learn. So I think you did him a favor by teaching him that he does not have control over his girlfriend.”
“The silent treatment could be considered abusive. It’s manipulative at least. Manipulative and controlling are dangerous combinations. Add in that he invites his parents to comment on your relationship problems and he is waving a lot of red flags.”
“He seems very immature and has abusive behaviors that will escalate over time. Check out this quiz to see if he is treating you with respect.” – Few_Improvement_6357
“Don’t be too concerned about previous examples of this behavior, because there has to be a first time, and once is enough. If he was willing to learn then he would not have doubled down after having time to reflect.”
“Also, leaving you without transport was [another] low act. Add in getting his parents onside and making you out as immoral, and he’s at a minimum of 3 strikes in just this instance.”
“People might say just give him one more chance… But no one is ever obligated to give anyone a second swing at us. It hurts the first time, and giving someone another chance means mentally and emotionally dismissing the seriousness of the first time.”
“When we allow our protective instincts to be overridden then the second time we are hurt has guilt and shame attached which snares us. It’s this reason why leaving is so hard once we accept the abuse from others under any circumstances.”
“Be a woman who knows and defends her right to exist as a fully autonomous human being. You are a role model to your friends and any children you might choose to have one day.”
“Keep safe.” – Anseranas
The subReddit was angry and worried on the OP’s behalf and thought there were more problems to be had in the relationship if the OP continued to allow arguments like this to go on.