Weddings can be a wonderful celebration of love and the extension of family. They can also be super stressful for those planning and maintaining the event.
But after it's all done, you get some wonderful memories of the time together with those you care about. That's what Reddit user excludednot thought would happen.
The original poster (OP) had a few issues with her sister that led her to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to find out if she reacted properly.
She asked:
"AITA for not including my sister in a family photo?"
Sounds harsh, but there's more to the story.
"I (32F[emale]) got married 4 years ago. My younger sister (30F[emale]) didn't attend because my wedding had a no children condition."
"At the time my other siblings (4 older brothers, 1 older sister) also had young kids but all of them attended my wedding. My younger sister was the only one who chose not to."
"Her son was 14 months old at the time. She didn't want to leave him. I tried to accommodate by saying I could book a hotel room (I got married in a hotel ballroom) so that she could leave her son with her MIL in the hotel room and check on him regularly."
"Her MIL didn't mind, but my sister refused. I also offered to pay for a babysitter but that was shot down as well. She didn't seem to want any option other than bringing her son to the wedding."
"She ended up not attending my wedding."
"My wedding went off without a hitch. Aside from her everyone else from my family was there. I even had cousins, uncles and aunts who travelled in from different countries to attend my wedding."
"After the wedding I went no contact with her. She tried to pretend like she didn't skip the wedding and that our relationship would go back to normal. Obviously, it did not."
"The next three years we did not have any communication. Last year we reconciled after our dad begged us to. She apologized and said she was suffering from extreme anxiety and didn't want to be away from her son. We buried the hatchet and moved on."
"Onto the issue: my husband and I are finally buying a house so I went and printed several of my wedding pictures to put up in the house. I printed a picture of my parents and siblings with my husband and I on our wedding day and framed it."
"It is going on our living room wall. My younger sister isn't in the picture as she didn't attend the wedding. She is upset because she was excluded in the picture."
"She wants me to Photoshop her into the picture and I said no."
"If she wanted to be in the picture she should have made the effort to attend my wedding."
"I have already printed the pictures and don't want to reprint. Adding her in by Photoshop may compromise the quality of the pictures. Those are the reasons why I said no."
"She claims that I'm punishing her by doing this. I do have other pictures of her + our family that I'm intending to put up in the house, but my wedding pictures are my favorite and the 'main' attraction.":
"My family have mostly stayed out of the drama but my older sister did say she thought I was being petty."
"AITA?"
On the AITA board, Redditors pass judgment with one of the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Comments agreed the sister's request to be edited into the photo is too much, but also think OP's actions were wrong too.
It was determined everybody sucks here (ESH).
"ESH. I think you were a dick originally for cutting contact when she chose not to attend your wedding."
"You can totally have a no kids wedding but if someone doesn't feel comfortable attending apart from their young children and you decide to cut them out of your life because of it, you become an asshole."
"However, I also think she's now in the wrong for asking for the photoshop." - maggienetism
"You went no contact with your sister, because you chose to have a child free wedding, and she chose to stay with her 14-month-old instead?"
"Yeah: you suck. Big time. Don't have child free weddings if you're not prepared for people with children (and reasons for not wanting to leave their children) to not come."
'I printed a picture of my parents and siblings with my husband and I on our wedding day ...My younger sister isn't in the picture as she didn't attend the wedding. She is upset because she was excluded in the picture. She wants me to photoshop her into the picture and I said no.'
"This is, in a word, completely f'king ridiculous."
"You both qualify for that adjective."
"ESH — both of you need to get over yourselves. Talk about life is too short." – Dszquphsbnt
"ESH."
"You can set whatever conditions you want for your wedding but to cut her off for not attending because the conditions weren't ideal for her isn't fair."
"She definitely sucks for demanding to be photoshopped in. Who does that to wedding photos!? How would that even work!?"
"However you both sound like you need to reevaluate what it means to be "sisters." Both of you seem to be expecting some grand gestures of affection or loyalty or something with your requests and reactions to each other." - heyitsta12
OP also responded to come comments providing more of her perspective.
"ESH"
"You are absolutely allowed to have a child free wedding however you really can't get offended if people with children then choose not to come. Going no contact over it makes you the asshole."
"However the reality is she wasn't at your wedding and expecting you to change your wedding photo also makes her the asshole." - Awkward_Badger7516
"A wedding is usually a once in a lifetime event. If someone chooses not to attend it does send a very damning message that they don't care about you."
"I respected her reasons for not attending, but I still felt like she didn't value our relationship as sisters and was very hurt over it. We are okay now." – excludednot
"Upset sure. Going no contact and holding a grudge no. This is an outsiders, objective view so you should consider that."
"It's not that I don't get where you're coming from. However you're not extending the courtesy I'm extending you to your sister."
"She had anxiety. Even if she didn't she didn't feel comfortable leaving her child. This is a risk people who hold child free weddings incur in."
"You don't get to act like this if some of your guests don't feel comfortable attending." – alongstrangesomethin
"I wanted my sister to come. She made the decision not to come. I didn't force her to attend. That is all I am expected to do."
"She and other people can't tell me how to feel after. If you skip out on someone's wedding just don't expect your relationship to be the same. It is naïve to expect that."
"I don't think anyone could have talked me out of it then as I was really hurt and angry then. We have moved on and started talking again. so that's that."
"also, I only found out about her anxiety last year when we reconciled." – excludednot
These comments turned the tide for some people and pushed their opinion against OP.
"YTA. I was going to say everyone sucks until I read your responses & decided you are way worse than your sister."
"A wedding invitation is not a summons. People, especially people who are suffering from anxiety & other illnesses, are free to decline."
"You had the right to make any conditions on attending your wedding that you chose. Invitees are free to decline."
"You are clearly still stuck on your wedding as the event of the century & still making an issue of the fact that sister didn't attend."
"Her wanting to be photoshopped into the picture is ridiculous, but I bet these pictures are another stick you use to beat her up for not attending your wedding. Get over it." - YMMV-But
"If it meant so much to you for your sister to be there, you would have allowed her to bring her baby. Obviously having the perfect once in a lifetime wedding was more important to you than your relationship with your sister."
"If you had valued your sister more she would have been in the wedding photos that now hang on your wall and she wouldn't have to feel excluded from your life AGAIN. So YTA." - MommyBunny33
The internet seems to think OP's consternation at her sister comes from the wedding. This may be true.
However, commenters who mentioned it, also felt the sister's request to be edited into the main wedding photo was too far. But it seemed to be small beans in comparison.
Maybe OP is still upset about her sister not attending the wedding and needs to talk with her. If they can genuinely bury the hatchet this time, like OP thought they did, it might make the sister drop the idea of being Photoshopped into the wedding photo.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp