Planning a big wedding is a major undertaking that some people spend over a year planning.
Who’s coming and where they’ll sit is just part of the logistics for the big day. So, any last-minute changes are not welcome.
A woman whose brother tried to sneak in a last-minute plus-one the day before the wedding turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit for feedback after her parents weren’t willing to let her answer go.
Amsimon asked:
“AITA for not allowing my brother a last minute plus-one at my wedding, despite having an available seat?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“When I say last minute, he asked my husband (male, 34) and me (female, 29) the actual day before our wedding.”
“This happened almost a year ago, but it’s still affecting me a lot. For backstory, my brother (male, 27) has always required a lot of accommodating.”
“He had frequent meltdowns that still happen to this day, and my parents did everything they could to make him happy (and still do), often at my expense.”
“Fast forward to my wedding weekend. My brother proceeds to have a difficult time emotionally during the days leading up to the wedding.”
“I suspect it’s because the focus was very much not on him, but that’s possibly my own bias. He does have diagnosed anxiety.”
“At some point my brother learned that my (now) SIL’s close friend was invited. My brother and sister-in-law had both declined plus-ones several months prior—neither had significant others.”
“My brother saw her having a friend invited as a slight against him and unfair. However, SIL’s friend is a close family friend—her whole family was also invited.”
“The friend had her own invitation to the wedding—she and her mom even came to my bridal shower. This was explained to him.”
“The day before the wedding, my brother asked us to allow his friend to come for ’emotional support’. We declined for a number of reasons:
“It was way too last minute—we had details specific to each guest.”
“The friend would have had to sit with my extended family, which I felt would be uncomfortable for them—my cousin couldn’t attend last minute, so there was technically an open seat.”
“We did not want this person that I honestly don’t like at my wedding.”
“On a side note, I recently heard my brother and this friend had a major falling out because he was stealing from my brother and they aren’t even talking anymore. I always got bad vibes from him.”
“We had made a rule that plus-ones were for serious relationships only, not friends.”
“He had his whole family around for emotional support.”
“We felt that giving in to this request would lead to others, causing the weekend to be more and more centered around my brother.”
“My brother asked us separately—he calmly responded to my husband’s no, but when I said no, he exploded and threatened to not attend the ceremony.”
“My parents exploded as well when we wouldn’t change our minds. My mom even called me in hysterics and also threatened to not attend if we didn’t let his friend come.”
“My husband was extremely supportive and spoke with my dad, and I think it snapped my dad out of it. He apologized and was able to calm my mom down.”
“Once they took a hard line with my brother (for once), he finally accepted that it wasn’t happening and he ended up having an amazing time. He even attended the rehearsal dinner that night with no issues.”
“I can never imagine demanding a plus-one the day before a wedding and yelling at the bride the way my brother did. He also had all his cousins around, so it’s not like he was alone, and those were the people he ended up having fun with once he was told no by my parents.”
“While my brother has yet to apologize, my parents both apologized to me that night, and the rest of the weekend proceeded with no issues.”
“However, despite their initial apology, they have since defended their behavior and told me they think I used my wedding as an opportunity to ‘take a stand’, essentially blaming me for causing them so much distress by not just giving him what he wanted.”
“Technically we did have an open seat, and I know my brother has emotional issues. I feel like I handled it the best I could, but my parents disagree.”
“My mom is in therapy, but she told me her therapist was on her ‘side’, and the therapist couldn’t understand why I’m not more understanding of my brother’s emotional issues.”
“I haven’t left anything out about what those are—he does have anxiety—but more than anything he’s barely ever been told no.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I might be the a**hole because we did have space for one more guest, and I know my brother has emotional issues.”
“If we had just allowed him the plus-one, it’s possible he and my parents wouldn’t have been so upset the day before the wedding.”
“Instead I prioritized what I wanted at my wedding, which may have been selfish.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Literally all I needed to read was ‘We did not want this person that I honestly don’t like at my wedding’. Your wedding is your day. It’s a party for you and your husband.”
“You are not ever expected to invite somebody you don’t like to your wedding. It’s like the one time in your life when only your opinion matters on who gets to go.”
“All the other important days of your life, like birth, execution, funeral, bar/bat mitzvah, trial, sentencing, first communion, quinceañera, parole hearings, etc… you don’t have total control over, but you do on your wedding day.” ~ too_many_shoes14
“NTA. You were reasonable, it was YOUR wedding, not theirs. That means you have it your way for anything! It’s YOUR day.”
“My response would have been ‘my brother was told no. That’s my decision. If he decides not to attend, that’s a pity, I will miss him, but that’s HIS decision. Now if YOU decide not to attend because HE won’t, that’s YOUR decision mom, that’s not my decision, I will be upset, I will miss you, but the day will go on without you. I’m not responsible for YOUR decisions, and I won’t be blackmailed and coerced on my own wedding day of all times.”
“I’d likely have followed that with some choice insults and expletives to really drive some impact on it and unapologetically so, and I wouldn’t ever apologize for using bad language in such a circumstance.”
“My position would be that I am right, they are wrong, and there is no reason to give an inch for them to take for granted and try to take a mile.”
“They clearly need boundaries set and management to stop them getting out of hand—enabling your brother is only a part of it.” ~ Sirix_8472
“What exactly were the consequences of you ‘taking a stand’? Zero. Bro came and had a good time. They came, had a good time.”
“All positive, and an indication that bro is perfectly fine with a ‘no’, he’s just not used to it. And that is very much THEIR problem, one they should reflect on for future scenarios. NTA.” ~ marvel_nut
“And the parents need to take a look at how they have mismanaged things so badly that OP needed to take a stand in the first place. Taking a stand isn’t necessary unless the other party is being unreasonable. NTA.” ~ regus0307
“NTA. If they think you were making a stand, they need to ponder long and hard about why you would feel the need to do so.”
“They know they’re in the wrong. It’s time they actually held your brother and themselves accountable.” ~ buttercupgrump
The OP provided some final thoughts.
“This was a complete blind spot on my part. For the last few years, I actually tried to form a closer relationship with my brother and because things between us had been going so well, I didn’t think to do any preemptive damage control.”
“A lot of comments have been saying it’s okay I took a stand, but I definitely had no intention of seeking out this drama and making a point when I went into the wedding weekend.”
“Our wedding was costly in both money and time, and I just wanted to enjoy it.”
“The drama was actually very shocking, and I wish it never happened. That’s a part of why I was worried I was the the a**hole, because my parents say what was the harm in just giving in and letting the friend come.”
“I wrote all those bullets in my original post as to why, and for those reasons I ended up having to stand up for myself by holding firm on what I wanted on my wedding day, but I didn’t go into it with that intention. It just happened that way.”
It sounds like the OP ended up having a great wedding, and everyone had a good time.
Hopefully her parents can let their resentment over their son not getting his way at his sister’s wedding go.