Wedding details aren't always easy.
There is so much to do and never enough time to do it.
And some major details can be the root cause of some serious family friction.
Who gets a major role in the ceremony and who doesn't can ruffle a ton of feathers.
Redditor miss_usiverse to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITAH for refusing to let my mom's boyfriend walk me down the aisle?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) am getting married next summer, and ever since I started planning the wedding, my mom (48 F) has been pushing for her b[oy]f[riend] (50 M[ale]) to walk me down the aisle."
"My dad passed away when I was 10, and my mom started dating her boyfriend about six years ago."
"While he's always been nice to me, I've never seen him as a father figure, he came into my life when I was already an adult, and we're friendly but not particularly close."
"I told my mom that I plan to walk myself down the aisle as a way to honor my independence and my dad's memory."
"She got really upset, saying her boyfriend had 'earned' the spot by being there for me all these years."
"She even accused me of disrespecting her relationship and trying to 'erase' my dad, which couldn't be further from the truth."
"Now her boyfriend is avoiding me, and my mom keeps calling me selfish and saying I'm ruining the wedding before it even starts."
"A few family members are also weighing in, saying I should let him do it to keep the peace."
"But this is my wedding, and I feel like I should have the final say."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. This is your wedding and, hopefully, your only one!"
"It should be perfect according to your and your partner's needs and desires."
"Not an area for point of contentions."
"Your mother is being manipulative and insulting."
"> trying to 'erase' my dad..."
"You've already mentioned you're doing this to honor your father's memory."
"She's using your closeness to your father to control you."
"> saying her boyfriend has 'earned' the spot by being there for me all these years..."
"You don't get to earn a spot in a wedding."
"You simply get one given to you from the marrying couple."
"Nor should they feel disrespected for you wishing to honor your father and independence."
"> 'My mom keeps calling me selfish and saying I'm ruining the wedding before it even starts...'"
"She's now resorting to being insulting." ~ DetectiveQueasy1711
"I am so sick of hearing that someone should cave to bullies to 'keep the peace.'"
"No the bullies can hush up and that will be very peaceful."
"NTA. Your reasons for walking yourself down the aisle are perfectly valid, and Mom needs to sit down and hush."
"She said her piece, you said no."
"It's done." ~ Tax_Goddess
"NTA. I can't believe how family members would agree!"
"Also, why isn't the boyfriend shutting it down?" ~ vegasbywayofLA
"It's YOUR wedding (also your soon-to-be spouse) you 2 are the only ones who get to determine whether it's ruined or not."
"You ruined the wedding for HER but it's not her wedding so it doesn't matter."
"Also nobody ever 'owes' someone a relationship of any kind."
"No matter how nice they've been or things they have supposedly done."
"Case in point if a guy does all sorts of nice things for you then asks you out he can't say 'I get to be your boyfriend because I did all these nice things for you, you owe me.'"
"I would not engage with her, trying to make her see your side is probably pointless, she would just twist everything you said."
"If she brings it up you can say 'You know my feelings on this matter I'm not discussing it further.'"
"If she threatens to not come (a common tactic) you can respond with 'Well I'll miss having you there but if you don't want to come I can't force you. I respect your decision.'"
"You drive home that she is the one choosing not to come." ~ Razzlesndazzles
"Your mother is ruining YOUR WEDDING before it even begins!"
"SHE'S pushing for HER boyfriend to walk you down the aisle."
"Who is he to you?"
"Your MOTHER'S boyfriend, and nothing more."
"She's making herself a victim by playing the villain."
"DO NOT FALL FOR IT!"
"The 'family' siding with her needs to hush up or not show up."
"NTA, obviously." ~ HoneyBadger79
"NTA. If anyone is trying to 'erase' your dad, it's her."
"You said you're 24, and this guy came into the picture about 6 years ago, which would have made you 18 at the time."
"You were an adult."
"He is literally nothing to you unless you say otherwise."
"He didn't raise you, he's just your mother's boyfriend."
"Not even her husband."
"Frankly, he should be happy to get an invite as anything other than your mother's +1." ~ Edymnion
"I agree. Your mom is the one trying to diminish your father's role in your life by pushing her boyfriend into that position."
"He didn't raise you, and you're well within your right to honor your dad's memory by walking down the aisle alone."
'If anything, he should be grateful for the invite and not feel entitled to a special role."
"It's your wedding, your choice OP. NTA." ~ xStarryBabe
"NTA. Your wedding, your rules."
"Mom's BF came into your life when you were 18 years old."
"And while mom's guy may have (?) done some stand-up things for you, he didn't raise you."
"You have a father."
"He passed away, he didn't neglect or abuse you."
"Honoring him in your own way on YOUR day should be respected."
"Nothing selfish about this on your part, Mom and Mom BF need to realize your wedding isn't about them. 😡 NTA." ~ Ok-Horror-1049
"NTA at all!"
"My dad also passed away before my wedding so my mom and brother walked me down the aisle to honor him."
"Your mom's boyfriend has never been a substitute father to you and he's not even your stepdad!"
"I wonder if part of the reason your mom is pushing this so hard and her boyfriend is now uncomfortable is because she wishes that they were getting married or had already gotten married."
"Somehow the symbolism of him stepping into a father role in your wedding will make him want to make it official?" ~ Pintsize90
"You don't just get the final say, you get the beginning and middle say and every other variation."
"You pick who you want in your ceremony."
"Maybe mom should be thinking about having her own wedding instead of getting so demanding about yours. NTA." ~ SuperPookypower
"NTA. Why is it always that people that are pushed too far that they should keep the peace?"
"Your family members should tell your mum to keep the peace, respect your decision, and shut up about it."
"That would keep the peace!" ~ EndiWinsi
"I got married last month (my second wedding) and I and hubby walked down the aisle together."
"My dad was in the room and my 14-year-old son was in the room and would have both done it if asked."
"We had a nano wedding, so it didn't feel right to have someone walk me down the aisle." ~ dragonetta123
"NTA. Most importantly, your choice."
"It doesn't matter whether the person wanting to walk you down the aisle is blood kin or not, whether the person raised you from infancy or not."
"It is still your choice."
"It is reasonable for them to be put out, they may have had expectations, but it is not reasonable to accuse you of ruining your wedding."
"If you weren't so clear that you have a plan to walk down the aisle yourself, I might have suggested you ask your mom to be the one to walk you down."
"Just because it is traditionally the father of the bride doesn't mean it has a guy." ~ Ok-Status-9627
"NTA. Your mom's boyfriend hasn't earned s**t since, as you said, you were an adult when they got together."
"I'm not a fan of doing anything to keep the peace if it's everyone else's peace anyway."
"Walk yourself down the aisle."
"Just because he's sticking it in your mom doesn't make him your dad or a father figure." ~ jaxnfunf
'NTA. Stand your ground."
"I was allowed to be pushed around by my husband's family members, thinking they would be angry If I said no."
"I was pushed into a situation that sounds silly that I said yes to now."
"I regret it still."
"Don't do it, you will regret it."
"You may regret the wounded relationship with your mom too."
"There are no guarantees."
"Think about this: let's say that you say yes, they get their way, and you hate yourself for it."
"Next year, the boyfriend leaves your mom."
"You are pissed you squandered your happiness on this guy."
"You complain to your mom."
"She will just shrug her shoulders and say 'It was your choice, you did what you wanted.'"
"Can you live with that?" ~ Battlepuppy
"NTA. Why would you let someone you've known for 6 years walk you down the aisle?"
"He has indeed not earned anything since you were already an adult."
"You were already grown up."
"That's her BF, not her husband also which makes the request super inappropriate."
"It's about her and what he or she wants."
"It's about you and your fiancé." ~ OliveMammoth6696
"NTA- the next time mom (or anyone else for that matter) mentions it simply say, 'We have already discussed this. The answer is No but since you have a problem with that then I will simply not invite you to the wedding.'"
"Then either hang up the phone or walk away and don't look back." ~ Life-Wealth-3399
"NTA. As someone whose mother is married to a man who isn't my father, I can tell you that your feelings are completely valid and you should do as you please since it's your wedding."
"People marry with the intention of staying with their partner for life, so a wedding is no small thing!"
"Plus, a person cannot 'earn' their spot in something so important as a wedding."
"This drama won't last forever, make sure to chase after your perfect wedding." ~ Fit_Character_6508
"NTA. He isn't your dad, and you don't have that sort of relationship with him."
"And that's ok."
"But your mom trying to force it on you isn't."
"I agree that it's more of a memory to your dad to not let anyone else walk you."
"He isn't there, so he's walking with you in spirit."
"And I think that means more than using a placeholder person or forcing you to walk with someone you don't have that sort of connection to." ~ Sheer-kei
"NTA. I have so many thoughts on this, but first, it's your wedding, not hers, not his, you don't need to keep the peace."
"Second, I think you should actually speak to the boyfriend, and ask him if he actually wants to do this or if this is just mom pushing, maybe you can find an ally."
"Best of luck." ~ Vegetable-Cod-2340
"Sorry for your loss."
"I understand you I lost my mother around the same age and although I like and appreciate my relationship with my dad's wife, I'll never view her as a mother figure."
"Your mom is trying to erase your dad by putting the bf in what would have been his place, NTA." ~ care134
"Is there some kind of bond between you and her bf that you left out?"
"I don't see how he could've 'earned' a father's role when the parenting time was over by the time he came around."
"He's not even your stepfather, but expects to be honored as someone who you 'belonged to' enough that he could theoretically give you away?"
"This is all about their feelings."
"Weddings and funerals tend to bring out the worst in people. NTA." ~ D_Nicole91
"Keep peace?"
"Lol 😂😂😂 anytime someone tells you to keep peace, ALWAYS ASK THEM WHOSE PEACE 😂."
"NTA." ~ xtine254
It's simple OP... your wedding, your rules!
Your Mom isn't being fair to you.
But Reddit is with you.
Stand your ground.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp