Weddings can be very expensive.
Often, this because the whole wedding industrial complex is a billion-dollar empire built on dreams of perfection. Sometimes, that perfection has a price tag that is a little too high for people participating in the event.
Brides and grooms often have special requests that loved ones just can’t swing.
This tends to cause a lot of friction.
Redditor speedymcgrub wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA for refusing to pay for my hair to be done for a friend’s upcoming wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (27 F[emale]) am a bridesmaid in my friend’s upcoming wedding (less than a week away).”
“This wedding is very small and is a budget wedding (not judging; it’s not my day; I’m just painting a picture).”
“The bride has 6 bridesmaids. We have pretty much paid for everything ourselves.”
“The bride has contributed $100 towards our dresses and paid for any alterations required, but we have paid the rest.”
“Shoes, bags, jewelry, etc. have all been funded by myself (and yes, there was a requirement for color/style).”
“We are all doing our own make-up for the day, and up until recently, I assumed our own hair too.”
“The bride would like soft curls, which I am very capable of doing.”
“I recently found out that the bride has booked us in for our hair to be done professionally on the day and that we are expected to pay for it.”
“It’s going to cost us each $150 for soft curls.”
“Another bridesmaid who is currently unemployed contacted her about not getting her hair done and doing it herself (again very capable of doing soft curls and doing her own wedding hair) as she does not have $150 spare right now.”
“The bride’s response to this was that ‘getting your hair done is nonnegotiable.'”
“I am of the belief that if I am paying for it, it is absolutely negotiable.”
“This has now caused a bit of tension right before the wedding because a few of us really don’t want to pay the money and are a little peeved that it was booked and decided before asking us if we even wanted it.”
“Also, considering what we have already paid for this wedding. The bride is insisting, and we are trying to negotiate ways around it beyond just flat-out refusing, but it’s not going great.”
“A few people I have spoken to have been shocked that we bridesmaids have been made to pay for anything wedding-related at all.”
“And some others have said that I agreed to all of this when I agreed to be a bridesmaid (wasn’t actually asked but that’s another story).”
“I’ve never been in a bridal party, so I don’t actually know what’s ‘normal,’ I guess.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, WIBTA if I refused to pay for and get my hair done on the day?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. It sounds like this is your first time being at the wedding.”
“Paying for your bridesmaid’s dress/accessories/bachelorette party is very normal.”
“Unless the bride and groom are uber (1% type) wealthy.”
“However professional hair and makeup are always your decision to accept or decline.” ~ mauibetty
“NTA. Simply tell the bride that if it was this important, she should have told you well in advance so you could budget for it.”
“Since she didn’t give you any notice of this expense, you will not be paying for this service.”
“If she continues about it being non-negotiable, tell her you hope she enjoys her wedding, but you won’t be there.” ~ Dixieland_Insanity
“NTA. Even a bride cannot spend your money without your agreement.”
“It sounds like multiple bridesmaids do not want to spend this sum at this time.”
“Together they should tell the bride that they are not willing to spend this money.”
“The bride should pick up this cost or give up her requirement.” ~ gfdoctor
“When my sister got married, we all paid for our dresses (black floor length).”
“We were supposed to pay for our shoes (they were color-themed Converse shoes) but since the MOH and I were the same size shoe, in opposite colors and I wouldn’t wear them again, she brought mine and hers and I gave mine to the bride when I saw her after the wedding so she could pass them along to the M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor].”
“The bride paid for jewelry (actually given as part of our bridesmaid’s gifts) hair and makeup plus drinks, food, and accommodation for the night before/getting ready the morning of because she wanted us all together getting ready, bride, MOH, 5 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls.”
“Oh, she also brought us pajamas to wear and get ready in.”
“NTA OP, if she wants to dictate requirements to that extent, she has to pay.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“NTA. She’s a bride, not your boss or your mom.”
“She can’t demand you spend money on hair or makeup.”
“Just tell her, no, you won’t be doing that.”
“She wants to pout, that’s her problem.”
“For the weddings I’ve been in, I paid for everything myself, but I was never forced to do hair and makeup (it was offered as an option but not a demand).”
“Also soft curls as so easy to do.”
“I’m useless with hair and even I can do it with my automatic curler.”
“$150 for that style is outrageous.” ~ Lacroix24601
“NTA. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.”
“I was the maid of honor at my best friend’s wedding.”
“While I paid 100% of the costs associated with the wedding (dress, shoes, hair, and makeup), she did give us the option of using different hairdressers or makeup artists or doing it ourselves.” ~ ActivitySensitive901
“Oh hell no.”
“She’s being shady AF.”
“Not even joking.”
“I’d talk to the other bridesmaids and inform the bride if she’s not willing to negotiate then she can do the wedding without you and the others.”
“It’s simply not ok to spring such a cost on your wedding party without any kind of discussion.”
“It’s like you’ve said, you and the others have already invested money into this; asking for 150 more without any kind of discussion during the holidays is just plain rude.”
“She can either negotiate or have no bridesmaids and, for that matter, no friends.”
“Her choice.” ~ R4eth
“I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times before, and the group splitting a rate for hair or makeup person is fairly common, and it’s usually more expensive to have the travel and be on-site and there to touch-up everyone for photos or the ceremony or whatever.”
“But any expenses like that should be planned and communicated well in advance and should be something you ask all the bridesmaids and plan based on who opts in.”
“It’s really shi**y and entitled to demand a huge expense, especially right before Christmas, and especially short notice.” ~ notthedefaultname
“There is no reason for you to spend money you don’t want to on this.”
“Shoes and dress are one thing but hair is another it’s not necessary.”
“She doesn’t get to say non-negotiable for a new cost 2 weeks before the wedding when you have no opportunity to make a choice.”
“You might consider talking to the other bridesmaids and see if they feel the same as you and would be willing to stand together and tell her that she has three options: let you guys do your hair yourselves, pay for the hair, or have no bridesmaids.”
“However, I wouldn’t explore the idea that she is trying to scam you guys as you have no proof, and while you certainly try and find proof, it isn’t necessary to deal with the issue.”
“Not to mention if she is, in fact, just being a brat about this, not trying to pull any scams, then things will go very south for you very quick if you accuse her of something.” ~ Razzlesndazzles
“NTA. This is been posted many times but I’ve not seen anyone post why the brides makes the bridesmaid pay for the professional hairstylist.”
“It’s especially funny when it’s someone who barely knows the bride like a distant relative or a friend of a friend.”
“It’s because there is typically free hairstyling for the bride if she books X amount of bridesmaids.”
“So often these brides rope someone in to meet the minimum requirement to get her hair done free.”
“She demands you pay for your hair because it likely pays for hers.”
“I would suggest you tell the bride that you have some concerns and you want to make sure that if the stylist damages your hair the contract does not have a liability waiver and the stylist is insured.”
“So if the contract covers the cost breakdown, you can see how you are paying for her hair.”
“She may refuse to show you the contract or say there isn’t one, which gives you an out, no contract, then don’t pay.”
“Of course, it may not be price structured like this, but if you know the stylist, you can pretend to be a customer and investigate for yourself.”
“Weddings are scams!”
“Just like diamonds and timeshares.”
“It’s a market designed to prey and insecurity and exploit the chaos.”
“Unless your family is loaded respect your friends and family and keep it simple, invest into your future, not a single day that you will forget and feel like a fraud for living beyond your means.” ~ Iamakahige
“A small wedding with six bridesmaids?”
“A $150 fee for getting hair styled is not a budget wedding – at least for the bridesmaids.”
“She is definitely getting her hair done for free if 6 bridesmaids are paying that much.”
“NTA for saying no.” ~ Any_Answer9689
“Ordering an unemployed bridesmaid to pay $150 for a hair stylist, when she did her hair herself at her own wedding, is crass.”
“You guys need to stop negotiating and simply tell her that you will not be paying to get your hair done.”
“End of story.”
“You can do your own or let the stylist of her choosing do it, at her cost.”
“The choice is entirely hers, but these are the options.”
“Generally speaking, life will be easier if you realize you have agency.”
“She can book without your consent (that’s shi**y but you can’t stop her) but she can’t make you pay.”
“NTA. Don’t cave, as that would just make things harder for those who can’t afford it, like the one who doesn’t have a job.”
“The right thing to do is to refuse.”
“That’s you being a good friend to the unemployed bridesmaid.” ~ No_regrats
“Drop out, if it’s not negotiable.”
“‘Sorry; this wedding has become too pricey for my budget!’ is a perfectly valid position to take. NTA.”
“Brides have too much fun spending other people’s money.”
“She wants an expensive ‘do for herself, and wants her bridesmaids to pay for it.”
“So the pricey hairdresser will do a half-assed job with each of you and stick you with the bill for everything.” ~ _s1m0n_s3z
“NTA. Everything is out of hand anymore.”
“When I got married, each bridesmaid bought their own dress that I had picked.”
“It luckily was only $100.”
“They picked their own shoes and did literally whatever they wanted: hair, makeup, and shoe wise.”
“I purchased them all jewelry to wear as part of their bridesmaid gifts.”
“Each wedding that I have been in, I have been expected to pay for my dress, and whatever I wanted for hair, shoes, and makeup was on me.” ~ Unhappy-Quail-2645
“NTA… just flat out refuse.”
“If it’s so important to her, she can pay for it.”
“Reach out ASAP to the stylist to let her know you won’t need her services.”
“She will be expecting a certain amount of income and blocked that time off in her schedule.”
“This way she still has time to open up her books to replace the income.” ~ terpischore761
“Those of you who don’t want to pay must band together, say you cannot pay, and offer to step out of the wedding if she doesn’t trust you to curl your own hair as originally planned.”
“NTA. She’s nuts for throwing that kind of expense at you all.” ~ Viva_Veracity1906
“NTA. I’d bet $150 that she’s trying to get a discount (or freebie) on other services for her by booking in the rest of the bridal party for a minimum spend.” ~ alternate_geography
OP came back with an. UPDATE:
“I managed to find out who the hair stylist is and with a little investigative work, I can confirm that this hair stylist does actually charge $150 per person for soft waves for bridal events (wedding tax as without the bridal aspect she only charges $70).”
“I feel better knowing that I wasn’t being scammed into paying for the bride’s hair; however, it makes even less sense why she wouldn’t let us opt out of getting our hair done.”
“I also have compared this cost with a few other salons and she is about $50 over the normal cost for soft waves.”
“Still doesn’t change the fact I don’t want to pay.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
You and the other bridesmaids may need to lead a revolt.
If your friend wants bridesmaids in her wedding at all she may need to compromise.
That is a lot of money to spend.
If she is demanding this, then she should be paying for it.