Birthday party prep can be chaotic.
It can be especially stressful when it’s being planned for someone you love.
The details are combed over tons of times.
Everyone wants the event to be perfect for the special person.
The centerpiece of a birthday party is the cake.
The cake can make or break a party.
Especially if the flavor isn’t appetizing.
Redditor whooshgirll wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not eating the birthday cake my B[oy]F[riend] got me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Alright so my birthday was a couple of days ago and I asked my boyfriend like a week before to get me a carrot cake.”
“While I know it’s not a popular choice for a birthday cake, it’s my favorite and practically the only flavor of cake I like (besides red velvet but I wasn’t feeling it to be honest).
“Keeping in mind that I was gonna have a birthday party with my friends, my boyfriend suggested that I get a ‘flavor that people like,’ which I’d understand maybe if it was a huge party with tons of people, but I know MY friends and I know they wouldn’t mind carrot cake at all.”
“I should clarify, I told him that my friends would be fine with carrot cake and to get it anyway.”
“Anyway fast forward to my birthday, my boyfriend goes and gets the cake from the shop in the afternoon and I didn’t get to see it since I was getting ready, but he doesn’t mention anything to me about it.”
“So I think nothing of it since I like a surprise.”
“My friends arrive and everything’s going great until it’s time for the cake to be served.”
“We gather around the table and everyone sings Happy Birthday while my boyfriend brings out the cake, and to my horror, I see this big chocolate cake in his hands.”
“I hate chocolate cake.”
“It makes me sick.”
“He KNOWS I hate chocolate cake.”
“My face fell when I saw it but I obviously didn’t say anything at the time.”
“However, I did give my BF a glare or two, which he clearly picked up on since he kept insisting I eat the cake in front of everyone as we were serving it out.”
“Something about that made me angry at the moment and I refused to try the cake at all.”
“I cut it, I blew out the candles, I handed it out to everyone, but I didn’t try it myself.”
“I don’t think the others took huge notice but once the party ended I started getting undressed when my boyfriend came into our room and was like ‘Why do you have to act like a child all the time??'”
“And I’m like what the hell and he’s like ‘You have to make a scene just cos I didn’t get your f**king carrot cake.'”
“Then he went on about how nobody likes carrot cake and how it spoiled and selfish and looked stupid not eating cake at my own birthday and then claimed he couldn’t find carrot cake.”
“Which is crazy cos…”
“1. I’ve never not gone to that shop and NOT seen carrot cake, and…”
“2. Even if there wasn’t any he could have picked ANY other flavor, besides the only one I hate.”
“I told him that and he just got really upset like I was the one who started the fight and started going on about how I was overreacting over cake and how he tried his best to make this birthday good for me.”
“Which in fairness is true since he put a lot of effort into organizing it for me, but honestly I was just livid then.”
“Now we’re still kinda off about it and neither of us has apologized or anything but I’m starting to think I did overreact over cake and I probably should have just eaten it and then talked to him later.”
“But I don’t know. 😭”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“It isn’t overreacting.”
“A cake flavor may seem ‘small’ in the grand scheme, but it’s a message your significant other is telling you that your preferences and desires do not matter to them, not even on a day that is designed to be for you (your birthday party).”
“Furthermore, he doubles down on his choice by calling you a child, and then projecting onto you that you’re selfish because you prefer a different type of cake and then didn’t want to eat a type of cake that you do not like.”
“Projection because he is actually the one being selfish, but deflecting that onto you.”
“This further shows that YOU – who you are – doesn’t matter to him, and he will prioritize himself or others over you at every turn.”
“And continue in even bigger ways to treat you like s**t.”
“He also literally could’ve gotten a carrot cake for you AND some other cake.”
“Instead, he only got the other cake.”
“Even if his excuse of the store not having it is true, he could have gone to several other stores or actually deigned to order ahead of time, to ensure you got your carrot cake.”
“The fact he did none of this and pretty well purposely didn’t get you a carrot cake, is him literally sending a message that you don’t matter to him – at least not beyond however he uses you to validate himself.”
“This is not a good partner.”
“I mean on the most basic level everyone knows that a bday party is for that person, and you get a dessert that person likes… like seriously, again.”
“EVERYONE knows that.” ~ prairiebelle
“Agree, especially with the doubling down.”
“Look, nobody is perfect.”
“If he forgot and grabbed chocolate and then was apologetic, it would be a very different story.”
“One mistake, unless it’s part of a larger pattern, especially if there is no related mental issue, is not a big deal, happens… but that’s NOT what happened here.”
“Not owning up to your mistakes and lashing out is a red flag.”
“Also, even if you wanted something objectively horrible, sardine cake or something, the correct thing would be to get birthday cupcakes or an alternative cake for others.”
“Carrot cake is normal.” ~ Wandering_Scholar6
“These… ^”
“OP you even say it makes you sick.”
“Now I don’t know on how literal a level that is but I had a friend who struggled to tolerate dairy in all forms and asked for a carrot cake for her birthday as she can’t digest all the cream in most chocolate ones.”
“This was before veganism was so big and there were fewer dairy-free recipes readily available.”
“I found a carrot cake with all oil, no butter at all, and made it for her.”
“Not my favorite thing but I tried some.”
“It was her birthday.”
“Would making a chocolate cake have been easier and involved so much less peeling and grating of carrots?! Yes!”
“But it was for her birthday (and I like to bake for people when I can).”
“The point is that I went to all that effort for a friend.”
“Your boyfriend couldn’t just pick the correct cake off a shelf.”
“That tells you a lot about him. NTA.” ~knipemeillim
“THIS RIGHT HERE!!!”
“Once you’re an adult, going to a birthday party isn’t about cake anymore.”
“If you don’t like the flavor they have, it’s no big deal.”
“You have grown out of the trays of bland white cupcakes all the kids enjoy.”
“You specifically asked for a flavor.”
“He didn’t even try to do that because HE doesn’t want to suck it up and not have cake.”
“Also, BY THE WAY, everyone I know who likes cake likes carrot cake.”
“If it was that big of a deal he could have gotten TWO cakes.”
“Or a fancy double tier.”
“The cake is FOR YOU.”
“Not your guests. YOU.”
“This would be a huge fight for me.”
“If you can’t find the flavor I want, you apologize profusely and ask what else would be OK.”
“You don’t go pick a cake for yourself on MY BIRTHDAY!!!” ~ KCarriere
“Right? If it was just a cake and she’s being childish in not getting the cake she explicitly asked for then that logic applies to the person who got the cake knowing her preference.”
“This started when he was so childish he couldn’t bear eating carrot cake for someone else’s birthday.”
“Sorry, it wasn’t a Walmart sheet cake with your favorite cartoon character on it dude.”
“Not your birthday.” ~ ALostAmphibian
“NTA. Exactly that.”
“It’s your birthday and your preferences reign supreme.”
“Now, if I wanted to feed other people and your preference was decidedly niche, I’d have gotten another cake.”
“I was a bit late for my girlfriend’s birthday (it was just us at the time, we’d see her family over the weekend) because I had to look for another store with blueberry cheesecake.”
“It was more expensive too than the usual store I got it from.”
“She looked initially annoyed when I handed her the food and went back to the car to get the cake.”
“I put it in the fridge while she set up and we had dinner.”
“The look on her face when she opened it and then again when she started eating it was worth it.” ~ tango421
“There’s a specific type of ‘nice guy’ that pulls this kind of s**t to get a reaction.”
“He’s telling you he doesn’t care about your preferences and angled it to see if you would say something in front of others or not.”
“Now he knows you’ll keep his bad behavior private.”
“Get out of there. NTA.” ~ Fragrant-Duty-9015
“NTA. Everyone deserves to get the flavor cake they want on their own birthday!”
“Unless they want something completely unreasonable like a poison cake or a 24-carat gold caviar cake, etc.”
“But in this case, I’d say make an exception and buy him a carrot cake on his birthday and do the same to him that he did to you if you even make it that long haha.”
“Side note, carrot cake is awesome and wildly popular.”
“Especially this time of year!”
“Go get yourself some carrot cake right now!!”
“Happy belated birthday!” ~ Ramble_Bramble123
“NTA. My mom did this to me every year on my birthday without fail.”
“She would be leaving to go grocery shopping and ask me what kind of cake I wanted.”
“I always said I wanted chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting.”
“I’m a lot like you, I’m not really a cake person, but I do like that kind every now and again.”
“Say, once a year, perhaps on a special occasion?”
“She would always come back with something she wanted, or what she thought more people would like.”
“She always told it to her family like it was a funny little story, too.”
“It’s okay that you were disappointed, it’s your birthday, and you should get to choose the cake.” ~ ArinPoe
“NTA. Why the hell do you need to apologize?!”
“He bought the one cake he knows you hate!”
“I’m hoping he’s a fool because deliberately buying the one cake you hate (which he knows!) and then berating you like you’re a child because you didn’t eat any is crazy.” ~ Fioreborn
“NTA. You told him what you wanted, he knows you don’t like chocolate cake and yet that’s the one he chose.”
“However, it’s possible that he thought it would be okay because you say you do eat red velvet which is a cocoa/vanilla flavor combination.” ~ Umbra_Lucis
“OK, I need you to know that it will never get better.”
“If you stay with him, this will be your life.”
“Every birthday, every holiday, every special occasion, your wants and needs will never be a priority.”
“Give yourself the birthday present you deserve by kicking him to the curb and taking back your cake.”
“NTA, unless you stay.”
“If you stay, you’ll be an a**hole to yourself and any future kids you may have.” ~ scout1982
“NTA. He clearly knew you wanted carrot cake.”
“He clearly knows you don’t like chocolate cake.”
“IF his intentions were good and he couldn’t get carrot cake, he would’ve come home from the shops and told you he couldn’t get carrot cake but got X instead.”
“He didn’t.” ~ RocknRight
Reddit agrees with you, OP.
Your BF messed this one up.
And the fact that he can’t apologize and is deflecting blame, is concerning.
You requested a carrot cake for YOUR birthday!
Try not to feel bad.
He needs to make it up to you.
Good Luck and Happy Birthday!!!