There are some things you can never joke about when you're married, at least for our Redditor who felt emasculated.
When a guy's wife blabbed about something that he never expected would come out of her mouth in front of friends, he seriously considered making a unilateral decision.
Wracked with guilt over his contemplation, he visited the "Am I the A** Hole?" subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Jumpy_Discipline5926 asked:
"AITAH for thinking about divorcing my wife after she drunkenly exposed me to our group of friends?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Guys, I literally don't know what to do after this weekend. Posting from a burner account since I am connected with a lot of friends and family on my account."
"The issue here happened Saturday night. We had our friend group over. There are 6 of us couples in there and we were hosting at our house. The night was progressing pretty normal, we had done dinner and were just hanging on the couches chatting."
"Everyone had been drinking over the course of the evening so we were all pretty comfy. My wife Amy (all names fake) was talking with one of other girls about my new job. I recently got a promotion that comes with a nice raise."
"The down side is that I have to travel a decent amount (up to 2 weeks a month, but only 3-4 days at a time at most). We were excited for the changes the extra income will provide and how it will change our future so the travel was something we agreed to being worth it."
The OP continued:
"As they were chatting her friend Pamela was talking about how they make it work since her husband also travels for work a lot. The conversation was actually quite helpful honestly in a lot of ways as there were some good ideas in there!"
"That is until it happened. Heidi jokingly said 'and be sure to order some sex toys that are the same size as him so you can still have sex while he is gone!' Now she was giggling, just making light of the fact that I would be gone and that the biggest challenge they had was the interruption to their sex life. No harm in this right?"
"That is until my wife says it. 'I don't think they make them that tiny.' Guys - I went totally pale. Everyone stopped talking and you could just feel the awkwardness in the room."
"I think she realized what she had said because she tried to back peddle. But the damage was done. I just stared at her in disbelief. She just kept trying to back peddle and saying 'I'm so sorry.' "
"I just stood up and walked out. I didn't know what to say or do. I headed over to a buddies house (I was sober, I don't drink). I didn't tell him the story just that we had an argument. But I feel so violated by Amy."
The OP shared the following statistic.
"Now the back story here - what she said is most likely true. I am not endowed, at all. I have known this my whole life basically. Any guy can back me up when I say we are all conscious of our size. I'm just under 3" erect."
"I have ALWAYS been super insecure about it. But our sex life also was never lacking because I made up for it in other ways in the bedroom and she has never lacked in the orgasm department we just get there order ways sometimes."
"Now here is where I feel like the AH - I want to divorce her. I feel so violated. I feel like I can never see these friends again. I feel like ALL they will be thinking about when I am around is her comment and, well 'How tiny is it really.' "
"But my AH feeling comes in because I also have known for a long time that it is small, so I steered into the skis, I guess you could say, and am more submissive in the bedroom and enjoy it when she pokes fun at it in the bedroom. But that was just us."
"But I just feel so violated with it being now public knowledge. But I also may have made my bed here by being okay with the dirty talk? I don't know."
"And for those wondering yes she has called and texted a ton yesterday apologizing for outing me, but I told her I needed space for a bit."
"Honestly I don't even know if I'll read the replies. I just needed to vent this somewhere, and I have no one to talk to about it. My buddy I'm staying with just thinks we had a fight. I feel so lost."
"I feel like an AH, but just don't know if I can trust her again or feel secure enough to see any of them again."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Naw man. She doubled down on her statement by saying, 'I'm so sorry,' letting everyone know it was the truth. Just kidding. he's huge and would have covered the backpedaling. She acknowledged it as true, and you leaving embarrassed,triple downed the statement. NTA. That was deliberate." – Blackwater2646
"NTA."
"That is a deep hurt she rendered you, in front of your friends."
"Thinking what you think, feeling what you feel-those never make you an a**hole."
"it takes actions to make an a**hole."
"So, if you do decide this is worthy of divorce, be clear with yourself as to what it will remedy and what it will not."
"The words, in company, will never be unsaid. So, in terms of how you feel exposed in front of those friends-divorce will not help that."
"If in all other ways (or enough other ways) you have been happy in your marriage, then it may help you to get counseling for yourself, and possibly yourselves as a couple."
"She may have been drunk, but she said it. She needs to take responsibility for it, and uncover why she would say such a demeaning thing about you. Is there some unhappiness in your marriage that she was paying you back for?"
"This is above Reddit's pay grade to fully resolve, but above all, you are NTA."
"And you are ENOUGH. You are a man deserving of respect and love from your partner."
"I hope you find a way through to heal yourself." – RubyTx
"She violated your boundaries and humiliated you in front of your friends. Drunk or not, she showed a lack of respect for you - and respect is fundamental in a relationship."
"Whether you try to salvage this or not is up to you. I think that, even if you do, you may need to find a new group of friends, and that is a big ask. I'm of the mind that the only antidote to public humiliation is public lionization, in terms of her respect for you, but that won't change what the old friends heard."
"Either way, NTA." – Thumatingra
"NTA I don't think alcohol is a valid excuse for saying that in front of her friends. I'm not as big as most of those toys either, so don't feel too bad. Most people aren't."
"Also, a lot of women can't orgasm from penetration alone regardless of your size."
"It was a gross violation of your trust. People who have seen you naked have seen you at your most vulnerable. If you commented on her body as a man, they probably would have burned you at the stake ."
"I don't know if you can come back from that. If you want to try counseling, you can. For me, I don't think counseling would help. I wouldn't trust her or be attracted to her anymore. That is such a big turn off when someone insults your physique." – tigerofjiangdong1337
"NTA. My husband was on the smaller side (never mattered to me) but he was super insecure about it. I would have NEVER said anything like that in front of my friends. My friends had asked about his size because some of my friends are kinda immature, and all I said was 'no complaints here.' It was the truth, and his insecurity never needed to come to light."
"Before kids, I had barely there boobs. I hated it and didn't feel sexy or like a woman. If anyone I was with made some kind of comment about my boobs like that in front of a bunch of people, I don't think I would ever be able to let it go."
"IMO, if she didn't have a problem with your size, that comment wouldn't have been made." – Purple_Driver6815
Overall, Redditors remained a constant voice of support for the OP.
They also agreed that his wife definitely crossed a line, one that is hard to come back from.
Do you think the remark made at the husband's expense was beyond the pale?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.