When a significant other takes the time to make arrangements for your birthday, you should be thankful, right?
Redditor throwaway8575466 struggled to express his gratitude after his girlfriend planned his birthday festivities meant to treat him "like a king."
When he felt like he didn't receive the royal treatment, he spoke up.
It didn't end well.
He visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for wanting to leave the theater after my gf insisted on watching her favorite movie on my birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A while ago my girlfriend informed me I should take the day off on my birthday because she was planning on returning the favor by treating me like a king."
"She started the day by making my favorite breakfast and giving a massage. Everything that we did afterwards were activites that she exclusively enjoyed doing."
"We went to the Zoo for a few hours and afterwards went to her favorite restaurant. I tried most stuff on their menu before which I didn't like so I just ordered a burger that tasted like it was made before COVID."
"Then we went bowling which I absolutely do not enjoy but still I tolerated it. She ended the day by taking me to the theater, when I found out that we were going to watch her favorite movie."
"I asked her if we could watch another one but she refused. I thanked her and told her that I appreciated all she did throughout the day and also taking the day off from her job but it just felt like she ignored the stuff that I liked or at least the ones that we both enjoyed and focused more on doing the stuff she exclusively enjoyed."
"She told me I can leave or do whatever the hell I want since I was the birthday boy and sarcastically apologized for trying to be a good girlfriend who wanted to spoil her boyfriend. She said that she was feeling tired and was going back home."
"When we reached our place she went directly to the bedroom and closed it. This morning I tried apologizing but she just ignored me and left for work."
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"NTA. She made your birthday all about her then got all pissy and ruined everything even more when you made one request to watch a different movie. She sounds like a sh**ty girlfriend."
"You have nothing to apologize for! Do not apologize! Do you often find yourself apologizing for 'making her upset' after you've expressed something that is upsetting you? That's a manipulation tactic ('You aren't allowed to be upset because actually I'M upset!' Look up DARVO on google)"
"Edit - also happy birthday! I'm sorry it went kinda sh**ty and hoping you can celebrate better with some friends and family!" – MadoogsL
"'Treat you like a king' I guess she is one of those queens that rule the kingdom alone and the king is just a decoration for the throne. That she behaved as she was the victim abd manipulated him enough that he even apologized and feels sorry for wanting to enjoy his birthday... What an awful woman."
"And i don't think that this was the first time she behaved so selfish. He should think back how iften it was me, me, Me and if it is typical that she manipulate him. He needs to run. NTA"
"Happy birthday, OP!" – EvilFinch
"NTA- she has a strange idea of how people celebrate things. You should be doing things you enjoy or at least get some say in it. Makes me wonder if she actually knows what you enjoy doing." – shadow-foxe
"NTA. She said she wanted to treat you like a king, but in truth, she wanted to treat herself under the guise of treating you. She took you to the things SHE wanted to do, instead of asking you what you wanted to do. She's the AH in this case." – ChapSteve711
"NTA. She absolutely did not 'treat you like a king' for your birthday. She wanted to do what she wanted to do, plus get credit for treating you."
"You have nothing to apologize for. She's trying to train you to take what ever she gives and be grateful and not make drama. Apologize only if this is how you want the rest of your life to be." – 1962Michael
"NTA. You probably could've spoken up sooner, but I don't think it would have helped: your girlfriend seems to think that 'spoil' means 'show off how much time and money I'm willing to spend on someone without taking into account whether they actually want me doing that.'"
"If she's not willing to apologize and talk to you about what you'd really like, or at least ways to avoid miscommunication in future, I'd think long and hard about whether you really want this relationship to last another birthday." – mm172
"NTA. Is her idea of treating you like a king, that you don't have to pay for the stuff she wants to do??"
"In what world is her forcing you (and then getting mad) to do things she likes treating you like a king?? I'd say return the favor, next time her birthday, plan a day of things YOU wanna do. Sure that's petty but yeah." – zZombi__
"Happy belated birthday, even though the previous events weren't so cheery."
"NTA. You have no need to apologize to her for that. From what you wrote, you were kind enough to see how it played out. Then you put the brakes on when it was clearly too much to take in. Her being defensive doesn't bode well for her case."
"For some context, does she do things like this often? It sounds very weird for her to have usurped you on your big day whether or not she likes having the attention. Even so, this was not okay." – CoyKouchou55
"Nta. Why are you apologizing? She is manipulating you so that instead of focusing on her selfishness, you now feel as if you were being selfish by wanting your bday to be something you enjoy and not just an excuse for her to be escorted to all her favorite things."
"Ridiculous that she first used you, and ignored your wishes but then lashed out at you when you tried to stand up for yourself and now has you feeling like you need to apologize for being 'ungrateful'.. Makes me wonder in what other ways this behavior and belief shows up in your relationship." – n0_us3rnam3_
"First off, Happy Belated Birthday! And sorry that it wasn't what you wanted."
"You are NTA by any means. While it's obvious you love your girlfriend, I'd be questioning your relationship from the way she's acting. Assuming you two have been together for a good bit (since you live together), she should know what activities you like and dislike. I'd say the fact that she was rude and planned everything you don't like doing and got pissed about the one thing you asked to do differently, is a sign that she doesn't care as much about you as you do for her."
"You have no reason to apologize to her for anything. She chose to act this way. She's also being very manipulative by making you feel like you ruined your birthday outing. You need to thing long and hard about if you really see yourself dealing with this behavior in the future." – QuietlyRemains
"Class act narcissist, made your birthday about her and treating herself under the guise that it was all for you, now that you've spoken up about it she's going to act hurt and have you jump through several rings on fire for her being upset that you rightfully called her out. Get out now this is your wakeup call."
"Edit *NTA*" – Medium_Sleep9524
"NTA"
"I absolutely believe that she really thought that since she likes doing those things, and you tolerate them, you like doing them too."
"But either way she is 100% in the wrong and you shouldn't apologize. Even if she thought you were enjoying yourself she should have realized and changed the script when you asked to see a different movie. She has no empathy and needs to seriously grow up of you're going to have a worthwhile relationship" – milapa6
"NTA. I'd think it's not so much that she innocently assumed they shared the interests, but a more narcissistic expectation that the thing OP would enjoy most is watching her have fun."
"There has to be more to this to really understand, like how long have they been together and how much of the time they spend together is spent on her interests compared to his, but I think it's safe to say that she is less upset about him being 'ungrateful' and more upset about him ruining 'her fun day.'" – TogarSucks
The OP clarified in edit:
"EDIT: for the people asking, we both know and talked before about the activities and stuff that we enjoy/tolerate/dislike doing."
If the OP didn't feel appreciated by his girlfriend on his birthday, he certainly felt the love on here as many Redditors empathized with him in his situation and backed him up.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.