It's always uncomfortable to be party to a lie, especially when it involves someone else's family or friends. Are you just going to sit there and go along with the lie?
Especially if it's about you, then what will you do? How will you keep a straight face?
So when Reddit user trickoflight2709 was party to his girlfriend's lie about his career, he decided not to sit there and try to save face, but to tell the truth. This did not sit very well with his girlfriend.
Unclear if he should have just gone with it, he went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for some feedback.
He asked:
"AITA for not going along with my girlfriend's lie on her family zoom call?"
Our original poster, or OP, was on a simple Zoom call when he was met with a puzzling situation.
"I (22M[ale]) was invited to my girlfriend's (21F[emale]) extended family's zoom call where everyone eats dinner 'together' and then plays games."
"As we were eating they were mostly talking amongst themselves and then one of her aunts said to me 'I've heard a lot of good things about you. I'm told that you're an engineer. So is my husband.'"
"He asked me what field of engineering I was in as he is an electrical engineer at a major firm."
After stumbling for a second, he gently corrected his girlfriend's family.
"I was a little confused at this point because that's not true. I work in the maintenance department at a children's hospital and I'm a Building Maintenance Tech."
"I went to trade school for building maintenance right after high school and what I told my girlfriend was that I always wanted to pursue my Bachelor's but only after I've had time to save toward it (I do not want to take out loans)."
"I told him 'Actually I'm a building maintenance tech at xyz hospital, but I'm considering my employer's tuition reimbursement program because I want to apply to mechanical engineering programs this year.'"
Things got weird, but the call continued on.
"It got really awkward and her uncle was nice about it. Her uncle and her dad started asking me questions about what work was like in a hospital setting for non-clinical personnel at this time and the conversation went in that direction."
"She chimed in when they asked her about school and her post-grad plans but was pretty quiet."
"After the call she called me on FT and said that it was 'basically the same thing' and I said if it's basically the same thing, then why did you lie about it."
OP's girlfriend was trying to lie to stop them from an awkward situation.
"She explained that her aunts could be classist and that it would've been better if I had just gone along with it because I made her look stupid in front of her family and that her aunts probably think less of both me and her now."
"I told her that I like what I do, it keeps a roof over my head and I've been fortunate to keep my job this entire time...all without having a college degree yet."
But OP didn't understand the need to lie on his behalf.
"After she repeated that she felt stupid, I said I would talk to her later because I felt like the conversation was not going anywhere but now I'm really feeling like I did the wrong thing and made things complicated for her with her family."
"AITA for not going along with her lying about my job to help her save face?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed here that honesty would have been the best policy.
"NTA. You were honest and managed a perfectly pleasant conversation with her family."
"Her fudging the truth is on her. If she was going to do that, she could have broached the subject with you to see if that was something you'd agree to doing for her."
"I have to wonder, is the aunt really classist or is she?"~Peskypoints
"NTA. Plus, let's say he 'plays along' and lies about studying engineering. How was that conversation going to go?"
"The uncle IS AN ENGINEER. He probably has a follow up question or two that OP would not have the answer for."
"I mean, even 'what engineering class are you taking now?' is a pretty obvious question that would get awkward in a hurry. She's TA for putting you in that situation and then getting mad at you for it."~CaRazyCartoon
"NTA. Something like this would have come out sooner or later, at which time other questions would have come up."
"Your GF was only thinking short term, not the long term consequences."
"You may have caused your GF some immediate embarrassment, but you saved her (and you) some more serious issues in the future."
"Something else you need to consider - you need to have a talk with you GF about why she is embarrassed by you."
"Classist aunts or not, if she were not embarrassed by you she would not have lied about your education or your job."~bamf1701
"NTA at all. What is it with significant others expecting their partners to know all the lies they've ever told and going along with them?"
"I don't agree with lying (other commenters have covered that) but you'd think the bare minimum of a caper like this would be INCLUDING the person who you expect to lie with you."~ellaphantzgerald
And some thought the least she could have done was let her boyfriend in on the lie in the first place.
"NTA. if she wanted you to be in on this lie, she should've told you ahead of time."
"In all honesty, she should've told her family what you actually do for a living, it's kinda unsettling that she was willing to lie to her family to make herself look better by saying she was dating an engineer."~BlackberryBeetle
"NTA - good for you for saving up for college before hand so that you don't come out with a lot of debt!"
"She should be apologizing to you. Why would she care what her extended family thinks over her boyfriend- that's an AH move on her part."~be-incredible
"First of all, it's not the same thing. They asked about work, you explained what you actually do."
"Secondly, your gf assumed you're not good enough for her Aunty? That's strange. And thirdly, were you supposed to know she intentionally got it wrong and wanted you to play along?"
"You shouldn't worry about what they think and neither should your girlfriend. NTA."~mediastoosocial
"NTA even if her aunt is classist, as your SO, she should be defending you against anything her aunt might say."
"I have a veryyyyyy classist aunt, classist to the point she only talked to my dad when she needed something."
"I've never lied about what my SO, a blue collar worker, does because I'm proud of him. Is your girlfriend proud of you? Because if she is, she needs to act like it more."~isntellie
Even if her aunt is classist, why does she care so much?
"NTA. When I met my now husband he was delivering pizzas. I told him my family was super classist and he tried to think up a believable fib to tell them and you know what I did?"
"Told them he was a pizza delivery guy still trying to figure out a career. Only some of my family were snobs but I wasn't embarrassed cause I love him and accept him for how he is."
"This shows clearly she is embarrassed by you and thinks honestly telling her fam what you do will bring HER down in the eyes of her family and didn't care enough to even let you in on the lie."
"She made herself look stupid, you keep doing you. Think hard about if you want to be with someone that only wants to be with people who raise her social status in the eyes of her family."~Kitty_Katty_Kit
"NTA. She got herself in this mess by lying in the first place. Aunt may have been leading you into a trap, or she may have genuinely been looking for a topic of conversation and connection with you."
"No real way to tell. The fact that they pivoted to asking you more about your job and being pleasant rather than turning cold indicates more of the latter though."
"Your GF clearly feels she is dating below her station for some reason and that's the problem."
"Either somewhere in her family that's what she's been taught, or that's what she believes but knowing you plan to be an engineer makes it ok for her to invest time now."
"Either way, this isn't a good sign for the success of your relationship."~Annalirra
"NTA. Lies always catch up with you. She shouldn't have lied in the first place. On top of that, she should be PROUD of you."
"(I too work in a hospital. You maintenance guys are freaking heroes. When everything goes to hell, we all call you desperate for help! You da real MVP.)"
"If she can't appreciate you for who you are, she doesn't deserve you."~Prior_Lobster_5240
"NTA. For one you were surprised by her lie. That is not a situation most people will solve that quickly that they don't tell the truth because they think their opposite is just mistaken."
"You need to be a good liar to take such an incident in stride without giving the lie away."
"Your girlfriend feels stupid because what she did is stupid. And it is definitely something you two should talk about."
"You should also talk about why she is ashamed of you / what you do for work."
"You actually sound like a level headed person who has a plan for his life and education - that's something a lot of 22-year olds can't say of themselves."
"She should learn to stand up for herself and her life. So her aunt is a snob. Good for her, does't mean you should cater to her bullshit with more bullshit."
"Lying about such things like your job / education will always reach the point where the truth comes out - for the situation at hand I'd say that her uncle would have noticed it during that talk anyways."
"You just can't pretend to be an engineer when it comes to the details."~DocSternau
Reddit definitely took OP's side here. A lie is a delicate thing that often falls apart at first glance.
No significant other should feel so embarrassed that they lie to their family about their partner.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.