Redditor JustInTime1001 is a 37-year-old divorced man whose recent job promotion made him better off financially than he was before.
His ex-wife has repeatedly pressed him for a huge favor, and a recent incident brought things to a tipping point.
When he wound up incurring the wrath of her and his in-laws, he visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for not paying for ex's fertility treatment even though I can afford to?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I divorced my ex wife (34 Female) 4 years ago. It was ugly and messy."
"We share custody of our son. Last year, my new wife and I had a baby (who is now 1 Month). I had a good job my whole adult life, but recently I received an enormous bonus and got promoted."
"I work less now and have way more money, giving me more time to spend with my wife and kids, and also more money to invest in their future. I also have a pretty solid amount of savings."
"My ex wife and her new BF (who she cheated on me with) are apparently having issues conceiving a baby. She told me this a few weeks ago and last week asked me to loan her $40k for fertility treatments (because she has some issues due to the complications from her first pregnancy) and some drugs to help improve his sperm function or something."
"I can afford it. She doesn't have that kind of money."
"I told her I will think about it and talk to my wife, but I am not excited about the idea. In the past few days, she called me every day asking about our deal and whether I made a decision already."
"Yesterday my wife and I picked my son up from his mom's place and he asked me when he'll get a baby brother or sister. I was a bit confused, then he said 'the one you will help mommy have.'"
"I just stared at her blankly and when my wife helped my son get his things into the car, I told my wife the 'deal' was off because she used our son to blackmail me."
"She called me selfish and told me that I got my new beginning and she deserves one too. I told her that I'm sorry she is having trouble getting pregnant, but it's really not my problem."
"She said I'm an AH and a jerk for not helping her, because her issues now are partly my fault (as she was pregnant with my child first)."
"I left and received a bunch of texts from her, the BF, her mom and dad, our common friends,... all calling me an AH."
"Aita for not paying for her fertility treatment?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
A majority of Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in this situation.
"NTA Doesn't even begin to cover it. Her problems unless they directly impact the life of the child you share with her are not your concern anymore."
"And she has no one to blame for that but herself. Please make sure that she, her current boyfriend, and many relatives and any mutual friends you may still have all no that the day she chose to cheat on you with him and the very messy divorce was ended was the days that any responsibility you have for her fertility also ended."
"And that it is rude and completely unacceptable that she would expect you to be responsible for that on her behalf. What decent woman would ask the person she has wronged so egregiously would ask her ex-husband to finance her having a baby with her lover whom she used to cheat on her husband with? That is beyond Chutzpah!!" – Betrayed_Orphan
"Absolutely NTA. A variety of reasons can lead to fertility issues and just because she was pregnant once, doesn't mean it could ever happen again no matter the money spent."
"As for her 'wanting a fresh start'... um, she chose that when she cheated and started a new relationship without ending a current one."
"Its amazing you were even considering helping her and it shows good character. Her involving your son was a line crossed and cannot be undone, what gall." – PictouGirl
"NTA, her pregnancy issues are not your problem and the fact she's using your guys child as a pawn to guilt trip you says something her not being able to get pregnant with the man she cheated on you with is her karma plus she can always try and get a loan for it you should only give money for the child you share together nothing more nothing less." – Shoakuma0
"NTA. What??????? She's with the guy she f'ked around with and now you're happy and have a wonderful life and she wants you to give her money for fertility treatments? What kind of screwed up ask is this?"
"Wait, ex wife. You screwed around behind my back and betrayed me and broke up our relationship and MoveOn to be with a cheater and now you want some money from me to be able to have a kid? Are you crazy? What is wrong with you? Get away from me." – mcclgwe
"I really don't get why people always think they're entitled to someone else's money, I simply can't understand the mental gymnastics they must do to convince themselves that you have to help them..."
"anyway, NTA, even if she didn't try to use your son to guilt trip you, she still an a**hole for cheating and now asking for money for her 'new beginning', she already has a new beginning with the asshole she cheated on you and her fertility issues are part of that new beginning she needs to learn to cope with or get a loan from a bank to finance her so called 'new beginning.'" – xavii117
"NTA she cheated on you with her current bf and now wants you to pay for a baby? Hell no."
"Her choices are not your responsibility. Your responsibility is towards your children. So that money can ensure a good future for them. We can't predict tomorrow and you can have an unexpected expense."
"Anyone who complains can put their money where their mouth is."
"She isn't entitled to anything from you and she's using your son and family to get her way."
"Cut that out and reduce communication if necessary with everyone who is bothering you, including her." – Anizziepluto
"NTA, how is this something appropriate to ask your ex? I'v read a few similar posts on here and its got me wondering why this is becoming normalized and where the hell this women got the audacity to ask for 40k to help her get pregnant with someone else after already divorcing."
"I mean, I can understand if times were tough and she's asking for money to help cover costs for their shared son or if its to keep from being homeless or even if it was a small amount like $100 but to ask for money for a happily ever after with he dude she cheated on you with is just crazy to me."
"OP you have no obligation to help this women, even if you take away the fact that she broke your marriage by cheating and is still together with the same guy, what happens to her is her own business. You dont owe her anything and the fact that she's even bringing your shared young child into it to guilt trip you makes it all the more worse."
"Dont give her anything. If any of her family or friends or BF contact you trying to ridicule or guilt you into helping tell them to open up their own pockets, Im sure they have some savings or that they can sell their house/car or even let the BF knock up one of her girlfriends and they can hand over the child to her after its born."
"Or better yet, since your already the bad guy in their eyes, tell them off in the most derogatory and fashion and then block em', and move on with your life with new baby, son, and wife." – ThatBrownGuy120
"NTA. Not only is she looking for money to help her conceive with her BF (which is uncomfortably weird, and not your problem) - she wants bonus extra money to upgrade the sperm of the guy she cheated on you with. That is SOME level of audacity! And tacky AF."
"You should never have considered this for even a moment. Block her flying monkeys too." – BeneficialDark1662
Overall, Redditors strongly objected to the ex-wife for feeling like she's entitled to some of the OP's wealth in order to aid in her financially-strapped predicament.
Redditors even felt like she was the a**hole in the first place for having the audacity to ask a huge favor from the man she cheated on.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.