Trauma leads to trust issues. Unfortunately, if someone breaks our trust at a previous point in our relationship with them, it makes it very hard to begin trusting them again.
This is where 32-year-old Redditor aitakickmybrotherouy found himself—his 34-year-old brother seriously betrayed his trust 15 years ago. Now his trust is being put to the test again.
He made a decision and gave his brother an ultimatum, but he doesn’t know if he’s in the right or if he overreacted. To get some perspective on this, he went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” to discern if he went too far.
He asked:
“AITA for kicking my brother out because I am uncomfortable with him being alone in my house with my wife while I’m not there?”
Our original poster, or OP, set the stage with his current wife and where the trauma came from.
“I’ve been married to my wife for 7 years and with her for 11 years. From ages 16 to 20 I dated a girl who I consider my first love.”
“Our relationship came to a grinding halt when I found out she had been sleeping with my older brother.”
“This was the greatest betrayal I’ve ever experienced and me and my brother weren’t on speaking terms for 5 years.”
Fast forward to now, when things have healed but emotions are still high.
“Recently my brother lost his job and had to move out of his apartment he had nowhere to go so I let him live with me.”
“For obvious reasons I don’t trust him alone around my wife.”
OP also is about to leave home for an extended period.
“I’m in the Air Force and I just found out that I have a temporary duty assignment in 3 weeks.”
“I really am thankful that I have this long to get my affairs in order, as I’ve gotten 5 day notice before. But as I was saying in 3 weeks I’m leaving.”
“I told my brother that I needed him to find a new place to live before the 3 weeks was up. He asked why and I told him I didn’t want him around my wife alone.”
This incited a conflict between not only OP and his brother, but OP and his wife as well.
“He got mad at for not forgiving him for something he did almost 15 years ago. I told him I have but I still can’t trust him like I used to.”
“When I told my wife about it she got mad and accused me of not trusting her to not f**k my brother. I told her none of this was about her it was about him and she was still mad with me.”
“AITA?”
Redditors helped OP discern where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Reddit couldn’t quite agree with itself here… but agreed OP sucked in some way.
“As much as OP is saying he doesn’t trust the brother, he’s also implying he doesn’t trust the wife to not consensually f**k his brother.”
“I think this is a NAH situation. I get why OP feels the way he does, and I think it’s fair. Although you haven’t really forgiven someone if you still don’t trust them.”
“I get why brother feels like they should be able to leave the past behind them. And I think the wife is totally justified to be made.”
“Maybe a little light Y-T-A because it’s something that happened when they were kids, and they’re now in their 30s. But NAH is my judgment.”~NovaNardis
“He doesn’t trust his wife and it is clear, what he is doing is offensive towards her. Because of something that happened in the past with his brother and ex-gf, he believes that the same thing might happen now.”
“However, his wife is not his ex-gf, she is not 20 years old either, assuming that something might happen offends her personality, and shows that he has little faith in her loyalty.”
“He should seek therapy for the insecurities that occur from his previous trauma, but the wife has every right to feel insulted because he is treating her like she is going to cheat on him the moment he turns his back.”
“OP YTA- wife is going to remain mad and she has every right to be. What your brother did back then was wrong, but it doesn’t give you the right to question her loyalty, and by not trusting that nothing will happen between them, it is exactly what you do.”
“She is not a person without free will, she can say no.”
“If you are afraid that your brother is going to pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want then you are a major a**hole for allowing him to move in in the first place, but I do not believe that you consider your brother abusive, you are just terribly insecure, and this might cost you your relationship.”~nefnef_
“ESH, except your wife.”
“Unless you’re concerned he’d assault her, it takes two to tango and she’s right that you’re acting like she’s going to jump into the sack with him the second you’re gone.”
“He’s a jerk for obvious reasons. That being said, you don’t have to let anyone stay in your home that you don’t want there.”~Adept-One-819
“YTA but not for the reason you think.”
“I totally understand that you don’t trust your brother. But this isn’t about him. This is about your wife.”
“Either you think your wife is so dumb and simple that she can be ”seduced’ by a random dude, which is sexist as f**k, or you don’t trust her – and she did nothing to deserve that.”
“You’re 100% the a**hole and I would leave your a** on the spot.”~Cocotte3333
Most people agree that OP’s wife is an unfair victim of this situation.
“YTA a bit. You’re insulting your wife who has far as I can see has not given you reason to worry.”
“I’m not saying you should trust your brother so much as saying that your wife should have been consulted first.”~Smudgikins
“Well yeah I think so… Your wife has not given you doubts in 11 years, very unlikely she would suddenly have a fling with your brother now.”
“I can understand the residual distrust of your brother, I think you are still angry and hurt by his betrayal. That is probably why you want him to get out now.”
“It sounds like your brother was a young man when he had affair with your gf. Has he ever given a full accounting of that to you?”
“How it started? How did he feel about his behavior? How did it end? How does he think about it now?”~abcwva
“YTA Because you chose not to trust your wife.”
“Your insecurities will ruin your relationships. You can chose to cling onto that betrayal from 15 years ago, but you feel more comfortable holding onto that trauma. Get over it and get on with your life.”~averysadbunny
“ESH except your wife. Your brother is an asshole for doing that to you 15 years ago and you’re an a**hole for not trusting your wife.”
“It’s one thing not to trust your brother because he’s given you no reason to but your wife hasn’t done anything (that you’ve mentioned) for you not to trust her.”
“I’m sure you’d be pissed if she did the same to you.”~soup_detective
People believe OP needs to have more trust in his wife, even if he doesn’t trust his brother.
“It’s absolutely about you not trusting your wife. It takes two to cheat, you know. Your brother could want to sleep with your wife but if your wife doesn’t want to, it won’t happen.”
“Unless you think she’s so weak and susceptible to being hit on that she’ll just drop her panties the moment he smiles at her. YTA”~MyFickleMind
“YTA this all comes down to you not trusting your wife.”
“I get don’t trust brother he might hit on her if you worded it that way I don’t want him hitting on you even know I know you’d do nothing then maybe NTA but this way it seems like you think the second you leave she is gonna sleep with him.”~yathas
“YTA and so many people are missing the point. You should trust your wife. It takes 2 to cheat. Plus this is HER home too. You made this decision unilaterally without discussing your concerns with her.”
“And honestly if you are concerned about her safety as some have suggested that makes it even worse.”
“That means you’ve allowed someone unsafe into your home without warning your wife because you’ve decided you could handle it. All without her consent.”
“YTA for 2 reasons. 1. You are putting your distrust for your brother over your trust with your wife. 2. You are not acting as a partner and making decisions for you wife without her consent.”~exhauta
“ESH but your wife. You should’ve told her that you wanted her to feel comfortable while you’re gone, that you were afraid he’d make a pass at her and she’d feel awkward, that you didn’t want her to have to deal with another person living there without you.”
“Like, anything other than you were afraid she was going to f**k him.”
“You’re totally not wrong for being worried that your brother would make an uncomfortable pass at your wife, though. He doesn’t seem like a great guy.”~rose-bradwardine
Unfortunately, OP’s insecurity surrounding both his wife and his brother may ruin a couple of relationships here.
Unless OP is able to work through it an trust his wife, it looks like he may stay at fault in this situation, even if his brother leaves.