Deciding not to have kids can be a dealbreaker for most relationships, but once an agreement is reached, couples with incompatible goals can move on without further wasting each other’s time.
Redditor throwra_reddit1526 thought he and his wife were on the same page when it came to having no children together.
But when he discovered there would be a change in plans, he became furious and later visited the Relationship Advice subReddit to vent his frustration.
“My(28) Wife(27) has sabotaged our arrangement to live child free.”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“My Wife and I met some time ago, eventually we got to know each other better and wanted to take things much more seriously, we discussed what our goals in life were, one of those goal being having no kids.”
“A week ago she told me she was pregnant, which was really odd, I use protection, she takes the birth control pills, plus has a IUD (I think that’s what they’re called). I guess I just got really unlucky.”
“So, I asked what she planned to do next, and she told me she wanted to keep it. I talked to her about our previous agreement and she just got pissed off and started yelling (look, I get it, her body, her choice, but we’re still a team, either choice affects us both), so I let her cool off and decided to come back to the subject at a later time, I tried three times with the same result.”
“I’m not sure how to put it, but if you’ve been with someone for a while, you can tell if something is off, she has never acted this way in the past.”
“Well, my suspicion was right, I checked her birth control, she was no longer taking it, which alarmed me, because again, she has never done this.”
“She did have issues with a BC she was taking a few years ago, but when she stopped to switch over to another form of BC we talked about it, and held off on sex for a while, that was fine with me.”
“But to do this was entirely out of character, and again, that small feeling that something was off was still there, so I checked my condoms, ran them under water and, they were full of holes. Every single one.”
“She wasn’t home, so I had time to gather my thoughts, but I’m sure that the pregnancy wasn’t an accident. When she got home I confronted her about what I found and why she did it.”
“She started yelling at me that I had no right to snoop around like I did, that I had betrayed her trust, etc, I left before she got more physical with me.”
“This was yesterday, I still feel sick, I’m angry, confused, upset, feel betrayed, everything, my world has essentially been turned upside down. I don’t know who this person is anymore. What advice can you suggest? What can I do to fix this?”
Strangers on the internet weighed in with their thoughts.
“Yikes. Well, whether or not you have a relationship with the child (if it gets that far), you should not have a relationship with her.”
“How can she say you betrayed her trust after the stuff she did? Really? Sorry you’re going through this.” – picklesnketchup
“DROP EVERYTHING AND STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING.”
“Go to legal advice and grab those damn condems, save messages of your agreements on no childbirth understand of anything birth control and records of her stopping.”
“I DONT THINK THIS IS LEGAL.”
“Check your states recording laws. Getting voice recordings of her admitting to this. Start bait texting her to admit this since that’s usable almost everywhere.” – alyssinelysium
People had plenty to say about the wife’s accusation of betrayal.
“How can she say you betrayed her trust after the stuff she did? Really? Sorry you’re going through this.” – picklesnketchup
“She poked holes in your condoms and stopped taking the pill without telling you. She has no right to be upset that you looked into those two things.” – bigchicago04
“She can’t accept she did something morally wrong so deflecting and gaslighting. In my opinion.” – throwawayjp2025
“She’s actually been raping him and she’s mad at him for it.” – IbanezPGM
“*reproductive coersion. It is a form of abuse, and generally falls under domestic violence. I am so sorry OP.” – _lizziebeth
“In this case, I honestly don’t think ‘snooping’ on her was an A-hole move. This was absolutely reproductive coercion. It’s not just a relationship at stake here, it’s a whole human life.”
“She was hiding things that you had a right to know about, and you went and found them out yourself. I wouldn’t apologize for that.”
“Her behavior is abhorrent, and you should absolutely not tolerate it. If you are not in the 12 states that require consent to record someone, you should absolutely record your future conversations to present to the police, lawyer, etc. But be warned, if you are in those 12 states, that would be illegal.” – Astele
“She’s not upset about feeling betrayed. She’s upset about feeling caught.”
“Essentially, she lied to you and you didn’t trust her. You get to second guess yourself about trusting her if you want, but she does not.” – arstin
“The only one betraying trust is her. Her actions are disgusting, wow, I’m so sorry for you.”
“I don’t know what advice to give, if she wants to have the baby there’s nothing you can do about that, but you should end your relationship with her immediately.” – ingoldblood
The OP edited his post revealing where his parents stand on the issue.
“I just finished getting off the phone with a few family members to see where I can stay for a bit. My parents aren’t going to be of any help, they’re on her side.”
“Guess they wanted grandkids so badly that how I feel doesn’t matter. At least my sister understands where I’m coming from. I’ll be staying with her for a few days to decide what I’m going to do exactly.”
However, Redditors remained on his side by continuing to support the OP in the comments and saying that his “snooping” was not a betrayal.