Deciding not to have kids can be a dealbreaker for most relationships, but once an agreement is reached, couples with incompatible goals can move on without further wasting each other's time.
Redditor throwra_reddit1526 thought he and his wife were on the same page when it came to having no children together.
But when he discovered there would be a change in plans, he became furious and later visited the Relationship Advice subReddit to vent his frustration.
"My(28) Wife(27) has sabotaged our arrangement to live child free."
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My Wife and I met some time ago, eventually we got to know each other better and wanted to take things much more seriously, we discussed what our goals in life were, one of those goal being having no kids."
"A week ago she told me she was pregnant, which was really odd, I use protection, she takes the birth control pills, plus has a IUD (I think that's what they're called). I guess I just got really unlucky."
"So, I asked what she planned to do next, and she told me she wanted to keep it. I talked to her about our previous agreement and she just got pissed off and started yelling (look, I get it, her body, her choice, but we're still a team, either choice affects us both), so I let her cool off and decided to come back to the subject at a later time, I tried three times with the same result."
"I'm not sure how to put it, but if you've been with someone for a while, you can tell if something is off, she has never acted this way in the past."
"Well, my suspicion was right, I checked her birth control, she was no longer taking it, which alarmed me, because again, she has never done this."
"She did have issues with a BC she was taking a few years ago, but when she stopped to switch over to another form of BC we talked about it, and held off on sex for a while, that was fine with me."
"But to do this was entirely out of character, and again, that small feeling that something was off was still there, so I checked my condoms, ran them under water and, they were full of holes. Every single one."
"She wasn't home, so I had time to gather my thoughts, but I'm sure that the pregnancy wasn't an accident. When she got home I confronted her about what I found and why she did it."
"She started yelling at me that I had no right to snoop around like I did, that I had betrayed her trust, etc, I left before she got more physical with me."
"This was yesterday, I still feel sick, I'm angry, confused, upset, feel betrayed, everything, my world has essentially been turned upside down. I don't know who this person is anymore. What advice can you suggest? What can I do to fix this?"
Strangers on the internet weighed in with their thoughts.
"Yikes. Well, whether or not you have a relationship with the child (if it gets that far), you should not have a relationship with her."
"How can she say you betrayed her trust after the stuff she did? Really? Sorry you're going through this." – picklesnketchup
"DROP EVERYTHING AND STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING."
"Go to legal advice and grab those damn condems, save messages of your agreements on no childbirth understand of anything birth control and records of her stopping."
"I DONT THINK THIS IS LEGAL."
"Check your states recording laws. Getting voice recordings of her admitting to this. Start bait texting her to admit this since that's usable almost everywhere." – alyssinelysium
People had plenty to say about the wife's accusation of betrayal.
"How can she say you betrayed her trust after the stuff she did? Really? Sorry you're going through this." – picklesnketchup
"She poked holes in your condoms and stopped taking the pill without telling you. She has no right to be upset that you looked into those two things." – bigchicago04
"She can't accept she did something morally wrong so deflecting and gaslighting. In my opinion." – throwawayjp2025
"She's actually been raping him and she's mad at him for it." – IbanezPGM
"*reproductive coersion. It is a form of abuse, and generally falls under domestic violence. I am so sorry OP." – _lizziebeth
"In this case, I honestly don't think 'snooping' on her was an A-hole move. This was absolutely reproductive coercion. It's not just a relationship at stake here, it's a whole human life."
"She was hiding things that you had a right to know about, and you went and found them out yourself. I wouldn't apologize for that."
"Her behavior is abhorrent, and you should absolutely not tolerate it. If you are not in the 12 states that require consent to record someone, you should absolutely record your future conversations to present to the police, lawyer, etc. But be warned, if you are in those 12 states, that would be illegal." – Astele
"She's not upset about feeling betrayed. She's upset about feeling caught."
"Essentially, she lied to you and you didn't trust her. You get to second guess yourself about trusting her if you want, but she does not." – arstin
"The only one betraying trust is her. Her actions are disgusting, wow, I'm so sorry for you."
"I don't know what advice to give, if she wants to have the baby there's nothing you can do about that, but you should end your relationship with her immediately." – ingoldblood
The OP edited his post revealing where his parents stand on the issue.
"I just finished getting off the phone with a few family members to see where I can stay for a bit. My parents aren't going to be of any help, they're on her side."
"Guess they wanted grandkids so badly that how I feel doesn't matter. At least my sister understands where I'm coming from. I'll be staying with her for a few days to decide what I'm going to do exactly."
However, Redditors remained on his side by continuing to support the OP in the comments and saying that his "snooping" was not a betrayal.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.