Whether one lives with roommates, a partner, or their family, when adults share a home, there is an expectation that everyone will "pull their weight," as it were.
Often, it is very conspicuous when a member of a household isn't pulling their weight.
In other cases, one member of the house will go out of their way to accuse another of being lazy or messy.
Even if that isn't the case.
The husband of Redditor skyecat_87 had begun to accuse her of shirking some household chores.
Even though the original poster (OP) was the one being diligent about this particular chore, and it was, in fact, her husband who was the guilty one.
Tired of false accusations, the OP found a way to prove to her husband that what he was saying was not true.
After being called "disrespectful" for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for taking photos every time I do the dishes and showing my husband when he said I didn't do them?"
The OP explained how her "evidence" ended up backfiring on her:
"So, for some reason, my husband is under the impression I either never do the dishes, or only put a few dishes in there when I do, when it's actually him who doesn't ever do them and only puts a few dishes in there."
"We end up arguing about other chores as well and who did more, but that's not as big of a thing as the dishes."
"Eventually I got tired of the accusations and him insisting on something that wasn't true, or him trying to say he was the only one doing them correctly, so I started taking pictures of the dishwasher after loading it."
"I also took a picture a couple times of when he loaded it and shared it with my friend kind of ranting to her about how he only washed a couple of things again and I bet he's going to blame me for it."
'Last night, he kept talking kinda mad about how 'I haven't done the dishes in a week', when there's only been one day all week I didn't because I was helping family out."
"He kept going on about it, so I took my phone out and showed him the pictures and dates of all the times I did them, then followed up showing him the photos of when HE did them to prove I'm the one both normally doing them and the one who's doing them properly when I do instead of just putting a few in and calling it a day."
"He didn't take it well, called me disrespectful, and told me that was weird and crazy behavior to go documenting the dishes just to 'rub them in his face'."
"Me and my mom were talking and I told her we got in an argument and why, and she also thought it was a bit much of me to document it like that."
"But if I didn't, I would of kept getting told I'm never doing them and that I don't do them right when I do, so I felt like it was justified."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for taking pictures to prove she was doing the dishes.
With this in mind, however, just about everyone agreed that "dishes" were not the main issue, but that this was not a healthy marriage, with many urging the OP to seriously consider if staying with her husband was a good idea, and others feeling the OP's husband was gaslighting her:
"NTA."
"But why are you with someone that has to be shown photographic proof of something being done?"- Equivalent_Secret_26
"'How dare you have evidence that I'm gaslighting you!'"
"I will say that you might want to sit down and think about if a life where you have to have evidence of reality is a life you want."- LawComprehensive2142
"'He didn't take it well, called me disrespectful, and told me that was weird and crazy behavior to go documenting the dishes just to "rub them in his face"."
"Yeah, it kinda is crazy."
"Is this how you want to live your life?"
"Documenting every little thing you do to prove competence or innocence?"
"I think you have a lot if thinking to do regarding how you see your future self."
"In the meantime don't get pregnant."
'Seriously double up."
"If he's this way over dishes imaging pregnancy or raising a baby with him."
"NTA."
"You shouldn't need to go to these levels to prove yourself to your partner."- sweetT333
"When you live with someone who gaslights you then you need to prove to yourself you aren't going mad."
"NTA."- Dogmother123
"NTA at all."
"It’s wild how he switched to the evidence being disrespectful after the evidence proved that HE is the problem."
"The DISRESPECTFUL problem."- Rough_Rush7914
"This sounds very classic DARVO - deny, attack reverse victim and offender."
'Instead of addressing the issue (OP doing more dishes) he is now making himself the victim by proclaiming its weird to gather proof that he doesn’t do the dishes."
"I had an ex do something similar when I logged who did what chores for a week to show that I was doing way more."
"NTA."
"There’s nothing wrong with documenting chores OP."
"You deserve a fair split."- MPBoomBoom22
"He is intentionally trying to gaslight you."
"This was uncomfortable to read."
"Check out the term DARVO."
"His behavior falls into the exact pattern."
"I have a feeling this is the tip of the iceberg."- MinuteMood22000
'NTA."
"But if you’re taking pics to prove objective reality, he is gaslighting you hard."
"Step back and think about whether this is the kind of relationship you want."- NoSummer1345
"NTA."
"And he called you 'disrespectful'?"
"Major red flag."
"Marriage is a partnership, not a master/servant relationship."- Astreja
"NTA."
"This is classic gaslighting."
"It is an emotional manipulation & abuse tactic designed to make you question your judgement & doubt your own reality."
"You should not stay in a marriage where you are compelled to collect evidence to defend your completion of basic household tasks."
"The more you resist his power plays, the more he will escalate the abuse."
"This is not a healthy relationship, and you should leave for your own safety & sanity."- ClockworkMeow
"Gaslighters HATE irrefutable evidence."
"It weakens their perceived sense of control and makes them work harder to manipulate situations and people."
"NTA."
"Are these kinds of situations common in your relationship?"- potato_soup76
"Totally NTA."
"Evidence is the kryptonite of manipulators."- ComfortableAbject416
"This has nothing to do with the dishes."
"And has everything to do with him trying to make you not trust yourself."
"NTA."
"I would take a step back and really try to figure out if this is something you want to deal with or not."
"You're a grown adult taking pictures of dishes to prove to your partner that you did them."
"And despite photo evidence he continues to choose to argue and cause you problem."
"Why?"
"Why would he do that and why would you tolerate it?"
"That's not normal or decent behavior at all."- OsaBear92
"NTA."
"This is gaslighting, btw."
"He's claiming something that you know isn't true, and denying reality."
"I would express concern about his grip on reality, and suggest he see a doctor."
"But this kind of bullsh*t in a relationship requires counseling, if he is serious about staying married to you."- Heykurat
"NTA."
"Does he genuinely believe he is always doing the dishes?"
"If so, I would be very concerned about his mental state."- Either-Youth9618
"NTA."
"So he can criticize and harass you, but your pushing back is 'disrespectful?'"
"That's a boss-employee dynamic, not equal partners."- curious382
"Your husband is an annoying little b*tch."
"NTA."- itsamecatty
"Whether or not you should have documented it doesn’t change the content of what you documented."
"He’s just trying to change the subject."
"NTA."- SnooPets8873
"NTA."
"He's just mad that he's being proven wrong."- EnragedByStupidity54
"NTA."
"He's just mad that he can't use those particular lies anymore."
"He's going to come up with something new."- feetflatontheground
"NTA, but he's just mad that he got called out and is lashing back at you because he knows he got called out."- SnooSprouts6437
"If you had taken the pictures to confront him about it, I would rule differently."
"But you took the pictures to defend yourself against his untrue accusations."
"Since he didn't believe you in the past and had a warped view of what you were doing, I don't really see how defending yourself with evidence is bad."
"NTA, but obviously this is just a symptom of a much bigger problem."- Beautiful-Cup4161
There are few greater ways of proving one's strength than admitting when you're wrong.
Something the OP's husband needs to learn.
Particularly as this weakness of his could potentially bring his marriage to an end.
