Who does what in a romantic cohabitating situation is really up to the people in that relationship.
Does everyone work full-time? Part-time and full-time? Is someone still in undergraduate or graduate school? If they can afford it, is one person the stay-at-home partner who takes over the majority of the household chores?
And who has access or entitlement to which assets?
A working woman living with her full-time student boyfriend turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to propose a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario for feedback.
Throwawaygirl371947 asked:
“WIBTA if I do not give my partner equity in the house in exchange for housework?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“This dispute involves the following parties: Me (33, female) and my partner (36, male).”
I have a good corporate job and I bought a townhouse 7 years ago when I was single. Met my partner 3 years ago. He moved into my townhouse. Pays occasional (well below market value) rent, buys occasional groceries.”
“I cover well over 80+% of the expenses. My partner is a PhD student. When he moved in with me, he cut a LOT of expenses. He no longer had to work his sh*tty part-time job to pay his rent in a shared apartment with four other guys.”
“My partner does do more housework than I (60/40 split), and he cooks more often (65/35). I do not mind this arrangement—I care about him deeply, and we generally get along well and have a caring relationship.”
“The issue is this: I am selling my townhouse and buying a house. I am fronting the entire cost and am the only one on the mortgage. Before we moved in, I asked my partner to sign a cohabitation agreement—basically a prenup for non-married people.”
“I gave him the agreement, which basically said I keep the house and don’t owe spousal support in the event of a breakup. We got in a big fight because my partner wants to have equity in the house because of the housework he does.”
“I think this is unfair. I know enough divorced couples to know you should always plan for the future. I’m worried about having to sell the house if we break up in order to pay him out.”
“Am I crazy? AITA if I stick to my guns?”
“Is it only fine because I’m a woman?”
“To be clear, he is not putting anything financial toward the house. I’m just not sure how what a fair way to build together is. It’s hard to strike a balance.”
The OP later added:
“A few people are asking why this is even an issue if we aren’t married. In my jurisdiction, if you cohabitate long enough, you are considered common law spouses.”
“We are getting to the point where if we break up, he would have a lot of the same rights as he would if we were married.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may be the a**hole if I do not give my partner equity in the house because I may be undervaluing his unpaid labour.”
“He hasn’t made any moves to contribute to the mortgage—he can’t afford to. He hasn’t paid any ‘rent’ or ‘mortgage’ of any kind since spring.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“60% of the housework does not equal half a home. That’s called pulling your weight (except he doesn’t as his financial contribution is close to zero). How utterly ridiculous of him.”
“He’s 36 and a PhD student. As soon as he moved in, he stopped working as much (really bad sign), but I’d bet everything that he doesn’t use that additional time to speed up his PhD.”
“By the time he gets it, he’ll be lucky if he’s 40, then what? His resume will be so crappy that he won’t get a high paying job, he’ll just keep on leeching from you.”
“You have subsidised his life since before he moved in and he just sees you as a money tree. He’s put no cash towards it whatsoever and will not put any money towards it in the future.”
“You‘d be a complete and utter idiot if you allowed him any type of legal toehold on your property. Frankly, you’d be an absolute dunderhead if you maintain a relationship with such a user. NTA.” ~ East_Parking8340
“NTA. Equity for housework is appropriate if it includes giving up your job to birth and raise children, because that’s a full-time job which benefits the working partner greatly while greatly damaging the stay-at-home spouse’s ability to earn.”
“Equity for living almost rent-free but doing a little more of the cleaning? GTFO.” ~ Basic-Regret-6263
“NTA. I’d honestly break up with him after that entitled stunt. How dare he! He’s getting too comfortable & becoming a gold digger. He can go back to renting elsewhere & working a sh*tty part-time job—how about that?” ~ UnusualPotato1515
“NTA—he’s just being greedy. An honest and good person would know that he has no claim and no right to make a claim on your property.”
“The fact that you are doing this the right way is probably what’s bugging him because you are giving him no angles, no outs, nothing to manipulate you out of. Stick to your guns.”
“If he doesn’t want to sign the agreement, he can find a new place to live when you sell the townhome and buy a house. It’s his decision to make, and you are doing everything right.” ~ slap-a-frap
But some did disagree, finding the OP was the a**hole (YTA) or there were no a**holes here (NAH).
“Honestly, I’m leaning towards YTA. You state you’re common law spouses, he’s in graduate school, but had been working until you encouraged him not to.”
“You say he does the majority of all household chores. As a woman, I just don’t think anyone would be supporting your position if you were a man and he was a woman.”
“If he’s not someone you’re building a life with, if he’s just your Mr. Right Now until you get tired of him or find someone better, you should let him know directly. That way he can decide if he wants to devote any more time to a temporary relationship.” ~ MohawMais
“It sounds like where you live (same where I live) you are already common law spouses. So all the ‘you aren’t married’ arguments are moot. Legally you basically are (no need to divorce if you break up, but otherwise married).”
“Lots of marriages (or common law relationships) have unequal income between partners, or one partner supports the other at least for parts of the relationship. This usually results in shared property. And divorces even without children involved often end with alimony payments to the spouse who makes less in recognition of this.”
“So why is it so crazy that he thinks the same should apply to your relationship? It doesn’t have to, you don’t owe him that if you don’t want to continue the relationship.”
“But if you do want to continue it, I think you both need to sit down and talk about it. If you aren’t on the same page about the seriousness of the relationship, you should get there before buying a new place.”
“Maybe that ends up with a contract or a breakup, or you both getting new places and living separately. But you BOTH need to be honest with each other and talk about it.”
“Maybe you don’t see the relationship as a serious long-term thing, and he does. You BOTH need to know that.
“This discussion is a part of serious long-term relationships. So NAH is my judgment. Just go talk it out with him!” ~ quaintchaos
“Not saying YTA completely, but as you’ve pointed out, you’re in a de facto relationship anyway. I think what this actually comes down to is where you see this going.”
“You say he’s a PhD student at the moment. So you’re essentially supporting him while he studies and will be able to contribute to the financial goals you have when he’s earning money.”
“Long term, forever type relationships have common goals. And sometimes you take turns and the contributions to those goals look different. If a SAHM asked for equity in a house, we wouldn’t question it.”
“She’s raising kids while the dad is off earning the money. Both are contributing to the common goals of the relationship.”
“In your scenario, you’re earning and paying the bills; he’s studying so that in the future, he can also contribute financially. If you still see yourselves together in a few decades, then give him the equity—down the road it won’t make a difference.”
“If you don’t, then what’s the point in the relationship? I think a discussion about what the future looks like will reveal what you need to know.” ~ post_it1
“NAH. This guy isn’t your partner. You guys have an arrangement, and you don’t agree with his proposal to change the terms. You aren’t the a**hole for that, and neither is he for asking to change the terms.”
“If you were partners, you would have a common vision for the future, and all decisions would be made in the interest of the union. If you’re both mainly looking out for number one, it’s bound to get messy when you’re just playing house. Best of luck.” ~ Realistic-Side1746
It seems like the OP has more than home equity to think about.
Is this a long-term relationship or just a temporary situation?
Knowing the answer to that question will go a long way to deciding what to do.