Cheating is a dealbreaker in many relationships. But what are we supposed to do if we discover our partner hasn’t cheated but otherwise seems supportive of cheating?
One 29-year-old Redditor, “ThrowRA4549,” found herself unable of looking at her 30-year-old husband the same way anymore after she discovered he was helping his married friend cover up his affair.
The OP (Original Poster) shared on the “Relationship Advice” subReddit how she discovered this and also how she’s been unable to really speak to her husband since.
The OP explained to the thread:
“My husband helped cover up his friend’s affair and can’t understand why I’m angry at him.”
The OP and her husband have married friends who have been together even longer than they have.
“For context: My husband and I have been together for 7 years. He has a best friend ‘Liam’ (30) who is married to ‘Eleanor’ (31) and they’ve been together longer than us. I’ve been friends with Eleanor almost as long as I’ve known my husband, I met her through my husband/Liam.”
But despite the history, the OP found out her friend’s husband had been cheating on her.
“A month ago, my friend called me in tears to tell me she found out her husband was having an affair. She confronted him and he swore he would end things and focus on their marriage.”
Only recently did the OP uncover that the affair is presumably still going on.
“Two days ago, her and Liam called my husband to ask him to confirm Liam was going to spend the evening with him, my husband said he was.”
“I know he was lying because we had plans that evening so I confronted him about it.”
“He got defensive and said he was only helping his friend out and it wasn’t a big deal because he only needed time alone and that Eleanor was too controlling.”
To make matters worse, the OP’s husband was involved in the cover-up.
“We got in an argument and eventually I asked him if he knew Liam had had an affair. He denied it but he’s a bad liar, so I knew he was BSing.”
“I asked him how long he’s been covering for him, but he refused to answer any of my questions.”
“When I told him I was going to let Eleanor know Liam wasn’t going to be with my husband he got really upset and told me I shouldn’t do that.”
The OP and her husband haven’t really talked since the argument.
“We kept arguing over it and I eventually told him we should cancel our plans and he could really go hang out with Liam since helping him was so important to him.”
“I ended up moving into the guest room and haven’t really spoken to my husband much since. He keeps telling me he doesn’t understand why I’m so angry since it’s not like he was the one having the affair, but I really can’t look at him the same way.”
“How do I explain to him why I’m so upset with him? Am I overreacting?”
Fellow Redditors wrote in on the OP’s situation, trying to decide what to do next.
A few tried to help the OP navigate how to explain this situation to her husband from her friend’s perspective.
“I would explain it to him like he is in Eleanors shoes. Ask him how he would feel if he found out you where having an affair and Eleanor lied to him about being with you.” – HBICRoseBlossom
“I would add on something about how you feel like you can’t trust either of them (your husband and Liam) anymore, if I were in your shoes I would worry about him hiding things from me and using Liam as a cover up just like they are doing to Eleanor. If he’s comfortable lying to your friend and someone he’s know for that long how could you trust he won’t do the same to you?” – Glittering_Grizzly
“Nah, he’s a grown a** man. He f**king knows. He KNOWS it’s wrong. He can imagine himself in her shoes just fine. He doesn’t care.”
“The harsh reality is, he thinks his friend is justified in cheating. Hence the controlling comment. He’s a slimeball and that means he can imagine a point where he himself would be justified.”
“He just has no integrity and low empathy. And OP needs to come to terms with that unfortunately. I’d leave my husband over that. Because it reveals his true character.”
“It isn’t OPs job to teach her husband how to have basic empathy. It’s her husband. Not her d**n son.”
“He needs to be held responsible for his part in this and suggesting ‘maybe he doesn’t fully understand’ is so insulting to his intelligence and it’ll just allow OP to make excuses for this sorry excuse of a man.”
“He knows d**n well what it would feel like. He doesn’t care, he is blaming his friends wife. He has no integrity.” – Ivegotthatboomboom
Some confirmed the OP should definitely tell her friend to avoid being a part of the cover-up.
“Not only has Eleanors husband made her feel like a fool, she is going to feel betrayed by anyone that has gone along with it.”
“OP, tell Eleanor.” – lemonbird4971
“I ended up telling my close friend’s husband (who was also a friend) that she was cheating on him because i couldn’t stand the fact that he already suspected it and was looking for confirmation. No one in our group would tell him even though everyone knew. The feeling of being left hanging is the worst and I hated seeing him that way even though she was my close friend.” – Dada2fish
Others questioned how faithful the OP’s husband is and what she should do next.
“And after she leaves the clinic [after getting tested], she should go find a lawyer ASAP. Her husband promised to focus on repairing their marriage, and within days was already lying to her again and sneaking around behind her back. He’s not going to change and has zero respect for his wife. She should be filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery.”
“And on that note, OP, your husband isn’t just lying to your friend. He’s lying to you as well. ‘Oh, Liam just wants a night off from his controlling wife.’ Riiiiiight. And he wants to spend it with his mistress.” – WingedShadow83
“Honestly i would not be able to trust my husband after this. Idk (I don’t know) if cheating seems [this] okay to you, you might do it to me too.” – yentcloud
“And OP’s husband tried to drag her to his lie, because he answered in front of OP.”
“This is a man that doesn’t see anything wrong with cheating as long as no one is cheating on him. I would be livid, I’m so sorry for OP.” – Pame_in_reddit
“I hate to give OP anymore to worry about, but perhaps Elenor knows something about her husband, too.” – Wiggy_Bop
“Which might be why Eleanor called to check the plans instead of just taking hubbys word for it, she might see her husband do this for his friend.” – SunshineSaysSo
Whether or not the OP’s husband has been unfaithful to his wife is unclear. But based on his willingness to cover for his friend’s affair, it’s led many Redditors to wonder where his loyalties lie.
The OP’s friend should definitely consider how she wants to navigate the affair going forward, but perhaps the OP should do some thinking about the conditions of her own marriage, too.