Sometimes when you go looking for advice, you end up getting some really eye-opening feedback.
One woman, in the midst of asking if she was wrong for being angry about her current situation, was fully informed on gaslighting and the modeling she was doing for her children.
Redditor “thefrikininternet” posted in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, wondering if she was wrong for being angry after her husband didn’t defend her to his friend.
The woman asked the thread:
“[Am I the a**hole] for being mad that my husband didn’t defend me?”
The Redditor explained they were out for a family drive.
“Yesterday my husband and out kids went out for a drive. We ended up going to his friend’s house because we were on that side of town.”
But when they stopped by her husband’s friend’s house, the friend said she couldn’t come inside.
“We live in the south and it gets VERY hot, so the obvious clothing choice is a T-shirt and shorts.”
“Well long story short my husband’s friend said I couldn’t come into his house because I didn’t respect myself because I was wearing short shorts (my husband told me this afterwards).”
The husband didn’t react in the way the Redditor was hoping.
“He told me he just laughed it off AND CONTINUED WITH HIS VISIT.”
“I had to sit outside in the car for about an hour with my kids and no air conditioning.”
“[Sidenote:] I’m not saying that this makes anything better but my kids were fine. They had plenty of cold water, things to eat and toys. They were playing and having fun.”
Now the husband doesn’t understand why the Redditor is upset.
“My husband was laughing as he told the story and said it wasn’t a big deal and I’m overreacting.”
Redditors replied to the story anonymously, giving the OP (Original Poster) advice and feedback she probably didn’t expect.
They responded on the following scale:
- NTA: “Not the A**hole”
- YTA: “You’re the A**hole”
- ESH: “Everybody Sucks Here”
- NAH: “No A**holes Here”
Some were appalled not only that the husband didn’t stand up for her, but he left his entire family waiting in a hot car.
“NTA, his friend called you a floozy for wearing summer clothes and y’all spent an HOUR in a car with no air conditioning. Honestly, I’m concerned for your well being that you are even asking this question.” – missmisfit
“NTA. Your husband is though. He should have said ‘Ok, bye! We don’t need to see you if you can’t respect what my wife wears in the heat.'”
“On top of that, leaving you and the kids in a hot car, what would happened if one of you got heat stroke? That would be his fault. He put you in a dangerous situation. That is a red flag.”
“It is clear by his actions he doesn’t respect you and I highly doubt you can talk this out with him, given he was laughing and left you and your kids in a hot car for an hour while he bummed around in his friend’s place.” – Thatvideogamenerd
“NTA. What you wear is your concern, and even if your husband didn’t take offense to his friend accusing his wife of having no self respect (which he definitely should have), he still should have said, ‘Okay, well if she’s stuck in the car, then I’ll go be with her, instead. Adiós.'”
“Sounds like the one not respecting you isn’t you but your husband.” – devanneuen
One Redditor used their husband as an example of how they think the OP’s husband should have acted.
“To give you some more context, I asked my husband what he’d do in this situation. We live in the south, too, so we can really appreciate the context here. This is what he said:”
“‘One, I wouldn’t be friends with someone who would say that.'”
“‘Two, if someone DID say that, I’d tell them to f**k off and we would no longer be friends.'”
“‘He sounds like a trash bag to begin with, but I cannot imagine just letting someone say that.'”
“‘I cannot imagine associating to the point of friendship with someone who would say that.'”
“‘I cannot imagine any reaction but rage and a desire to peel all of the skin off of someone who would say that to or about you.'”
“And then he went back and re-read and realized that your children were in the car with you and the comments switched to peeling your husband.”
“He found this behavior infuriating because you’re right, it is infuriating. It’s not acceptable and you are absolutely right to be upset. It’s not normal and you don’t have to live with it.”
“There are not only men out there that wouldn’t accept someone saying this about you, they wouldn’t be friends with the sort of person who says this about any woman. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about this. I hate this situation for you.” – syrioforrealsies
Now that she’s asking about the situation, some have suggested the husband is gaslighting her.
“That’s called gaslighting. Do. Not. Let. Him. You deserve way better than this.” – sashatwister
“I’m sorry that he’s such a bad partner, you deserve so much better. Being alone is better than this, he’s setting a terrible example that your children will follow over time. Please leave before he destroys everything you love, including yourself.” – InternationalLayer9
“He is clearly gaslighting you. If you’re to the point that he’s got you questioning your own reality and judgement, he’s doing a damn fine job. At minimum, there needs to be counseling Good luck to you and be sure to update!!” – mphsnative
Others are asking if this is a situation she really wants for her children and suggested she take action.
“Oh, sweetheart, this made my heart hurt.”
“Let me tell you something very clearly: You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. Your children deserve to see their mother treated with respect, kindness, and love. Period.”
“I only had bad relationships around me growing up, so I really relate to not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s a hard road to self respect and realizing what you actually deserve, but you can get there.” – Dracarys_Aspo
“Several years ago, my best friend was at her wits end in her marriage, but many of her family members told her it was her fault, her expectations were too high, etc.”
“I asked her 2 questions: does your husband make you feel the way you want your daughter to feel in a relationship one day? Would you be proud of your son for treating a partner the way your husband treats you?”
“When she answered no to both questions, I told her she deserved so much better, and OP does too.” – Graceles1der
“You deserve so much more.”
“Your children are raised to think that being treated this way is acceptable. So they will go on to have relationships with people who will treat then this way. Spouses, bosses… don’t set that example.” – hello-mr-cat
“OP seriously? You subjected your kids to this too, and they are considerably more vulnerable to heat stroke. Your husband doesn’t care, and he won’t.”
“But why don’t you? If you don’t respect yourself enough to leave, how about protecting your kids?”
“I’m not trying to be cruel, but you really have to go. I can’t believe you allowed yourself to stay in a hot car with your children for an hour.” – evilrobotlizard
“I’m on the other side of the world and right now I feel like crying for you and your poor kids. Please work on realising your self worth OP. You and your kids deserve to always be put first by your husband.”
“If he isn’t capable of that you’d be happier on your own and they would be happier seeing their mummy not be treated like dirt. Honestly near tears by your post. You are worth so much more” – mortstheonlyboyineed
Being confronted with so much information, useful or not, must be overwhelming for the OP.
But it’s good knowing that some are willing to anonymously speak up for her and try to help her make the most informed decision she can.