Sometimes when you go looking for advice, you end up getting some really eye-opening feedback.
One woman, in the midst of asking if she was wrong for being angry about her current situation, was fully informed on gaslighting and the modeling she was doing for her children.
Redditor "thefrikininternet" posted in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, wondering if she was wrong for being angry after her husband didn't defend her to his friend.
The woman asked the thread:
"[Am I the a**hole] for being mad that my husband didn't defend me?"
The Redditor explained they were out for a family drive.
"Yesterday my husband and out kids went out for a drive. We ended up going to his friend's house because we were on that side of town."
But when they stopped by her husband's friend's house, the friend said she couldn't come inside.
"We live in the south and it gets VERY hot, so the obvious clothing choice is a T-shirt and shorts."
"Well long story short my husband's friend said I couldn't come into his house because I didn't respect myself because I was wearing short shorts (my husband told me this afterwards)."
The husband didn't react in the way the Redditor was hoping.
"He told me he just laughed it off AND CONTINUED WITH HIS VISIT."
"I had to sit outside in the car for about an hour with my kids and no air conditioning."
"[Sidenote:] I'm not saying that this makes anything better but my kids were fine. They had plenty of cold water, things to eat and toys. They were playing and having fun."
Now the husband doesn't understand why the Redditor is upset.
"My husband was laughing as he told the story and said it wasn't a big deal and I'm overreacting."
"AITA?"
Redditors replied to the story anonymously, giving the OP (Original Poster) advice and feedback she probably didn't expect.
They responded on the following scale:
- NTA: "Not the A**hole"
- YTA: "You're the A**hole"
- ESH: "Everybody Sucks Here"
- NAH: "No A**holes Here"
Some were appalled not only that the husband didn't stand up for her, but he left his entire family waiting in a hot car.
"NTA, his friend called you a floozy for wearing summer clothes and y'all spent an HOUR in a car with no air conditioning. Honestly, I'm concerned for your well being that you are even asking this question." - missmisfit
"NTA. Your husband is though. He should have said 'Ok, bye! We don't need to see you if you can't respect what my wife wears in the heat.'"
"On top of that, leaving you and the kids in a hot car, what would happened if one of you got heat stroke? That would be his fault. He put you in a dangerous situation. That is a red flag."
"It is clear by his actions he doesn't respect you and I highly doubt you can talk this out with him, given he was laughing and left you and your kids in a hot car for an hour while he bummed around in his friend's place." - Thatvideogamenerd
"NTA. What you wear is your concern, and even if your husband didn't take offense to his friend accusing his wife of having no self respect (which he definitely should have), he still should have said, 'Okay, well if she's stuck in the car, then I'll go be with her, instead. Adiós.'"
"Sounds like the one not respecting you isn't you but your husband." - devanneuen
One Redditor used their husband as an example of how they think the OP's husband should have acted.
"To give you some more context, I asked my husband what he'd do in this situation. We live in the south, too, so we can really appreciate the context here. This is what he said:"
"'One, I wouldn't be friends with someone who would say that.'"
"'Two, if someone DID say that, I'd tell them to f**k off and we would no longer be friends.'"
"'He sounds like a trash bag to begin with, but I cannot imagine just letting someone say that.'"
"'I cannot imagine associating to the point of friendship with someone who would say that.'"
"'I cannot imagine any reaction but rage and a desire to peel all of the skin off of someone who would say that to or about you.'"
"And then he went back and re-read and realized that your children were in the car with you and the comments switched to peeling your husband."
"He found this behavior infuriating because you're right, it is infuriating. It's not acceptable and you are absolutely right to be upset. It's not normal and you don't have to live with it."
"There are not only men out there that wouldn't accept someone saying this about you, they wouldn't be friends with the sort of person who says this about any woman. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about this. I hate this situation for you." - syrioforrealsies
Now that she's asking about the situation, some have suggested the husband is gaslighting her.
"That's called gaslighting. Do. Not. Let. Him. You deserve way better than this." - sashatwister
"I'm sorry that he's such a bad partner, you deserve so much better. Being alone is better than this, he's setting a terrible example that your children will follow over time. Please leave before he destroys everything you love, including yourself." - InternationalLayer9
"He is clearly gaslighting you. If you're to the point that he's got you questioning your own reality and judgement, he's doing a damn fine job. At minimum, there needs to be counseling Good luck to you and be sure to update!!" - mphsnative
Others are asking if this is a situation she really wants for her children and suggested she take action.
"Oh, sweetheart, this made my heart hurt."
"Let me tell you something very clearly: You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. Your children deserve to see their mother treated with respect, kindness, and love. Period."
"I only had bad relationships around me growing up, so I really relate to not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. It's a hard road to self respect and realizing what you actually deserve, but you can get there." - Dracarys_Aspo
"Several years ago, my best friend was at her wits end in her marriage, but many of her family members told her it was her fault, her expectations were too high, etc."
"I asked her 2 questions: does your husband make you feel the way you want your daughter to feel in a relationship one day? Would you be proud of your son for treating a partner the way your husband treats you?"
"When she answered no to both questions, I told her she deserved so much better, and OP does too." - Graceles1der
"You deserve so much more."
"Your children are raised to think that being treated this way is acceptable. So they will go on to have relationships with people who will treat then this way. Spouses, bosses... don't set that example." - hello-mr-cat
"OP seriously? You subjected your kids to this too, and they are considerably more vulnerable to heat stroke. Your husband doesn't care, and he won't."
"But why don't you? If you don't respect yourself enough to leave, how about protecting your kids?"
"I'm not trying to be cruel, but you really have to go. I can't believe you allowed yourself to stay in a hot car with your children for an hour." - evilrobotlizard
"I'm on the other side of the world and right now I feel like crying for you and your poor kids. Please work on realising your self worth OP. You and your kids deserve to always be put first by your husband."
"If he isn't capable of that you'd be happier on your own and they would be happier seeing their mummy not be treated like dirt. Honestly near tears by your post. You are worth so much more" - mortstheonlyboyineed
Being confronted with so much information, useful or not, must be overwhelming for the OP.
But it's good knowing that some are willing to anonymously speak up for her and try to help her make the most informed decision she can.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.