When you're married, you don't have to do everything together. But there are times when it's really nice to, and vacations are one of those times.
That's why Redditor sethborf tried to make sure his wife could come with him on his family's vacation to the beach. However, she drops out, and gets mad at the original poster (OP) for going without her.
OP is understandably confused, but there's more to the story than he originally let on. Even with everything considered, who's the bad guy here?
To find out, we turn to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit, where commenters will try to answer the titular question.
OP asks the board to figure out if he was wrong.
"AITA for going on vacation without my wife?"
And his story sounds a little strange
"My (M[ale]33) dad (M65) got a huge inheritance when my grandmother died a few years ago and he's been hitting big with investments and the like. Earlier this year, he talked to us about him wanting to go on vacation to the Gulf of Mexico and he wanted to take us."
"At the time, my wife (F[emale]31) seemed super gung-ho about it. We don't have kids, so we asked a friend to stay at our home to watch our animals."
"Well, the time comes, and my wife decides at the last minute to not go. I talked to my dad about this, and he said he really wanted her to go, but if I decide I don't want to go it'll be ok."
"My wife told me I should still go since he really didn't want to go by himself. It took a lot of convincing on their part but I ended up going while she stayed home."
"I still asked the friend if she could come stay at our home with my wife so that she doesn't get lonely."
"My dad and I go and we have a great time and I send pictures and videos to my wife the entire time and buy her a lot of souvenirs. At first she replies a lot but the further and further the vacation time elapses the less talkative she seems to be."
"We get home a week later and my wife is just giving me the cold shoulder. I ask our friend what's wrong since my wife won't talk to me and the friend acts like she has no idea."
"The next day, I decide to surprise my wife with a homemade breakfast. She refuses to eat, which admittedly hurt my feelings a little bit, and she breaks her silence saying I was a butthole for going without her and making her stay home when she really wanted to go."
"I remind her that she decided not to go at the last minute and both she and my dad convinced me to go anyway, and her response is to accuse me of gaslighting her and that I told her to stay home, which didn't happen."
"But, I felt like an asshole the entire trip anyway because I missed her and really wanted her there with us. Dad wanted her there too."
"Am I the a**hole for leaving her at home while I went to the beach for a week?"
OP cannot understand why his wife would be acting like this. She refused to go last minute, convinced him to go anyway, and then got upset with OP for going? The behavior sounds a little strange to say the least.
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for going on a vacation without his wife despite her insistence he go by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
A lot of the comments started by saying that OP was NTA. Based on the story presented here, OP did everything he could to be accommodating.
He invited his wife on the vacation. She dropped out last minute, and was going to join her, but she convinced him to go anyway. Now she's acting like he convinced her to stay.
It'd be easy to see why people voted that OP was not the bad guy.
"NTA Umm… I'm confused here. Was she semi-testing you to see if you'd choose your dad's way (him driving only) and her way (you 2 following in your own car)?"
'Or did the friend say something to upset her? Either way, you 2 need to have an honest, calm (no accusing/blaming) conversation." - Maiden_of_Sorrow
"NTA. This is awful behavior from anyone, you'd expect something like this out of a child. That is super weird, I would not put up with it for a second."
"I'd tell her take a good look at this situation and deal with it yourself, because it is not my problem whatsoever and I refuse to discuss it any further. You did absolutely nothing wrong."
"If she wanted something specific from you, she should have explicitly communicated her needs. Yes this is harsh because that behavior is absurd and nonsensical."
"Express your needs people, it will go a long way." - Defiant_Low_1391
"NTA Your wife decided not to go, she's upset because she missed out on a good time or it was some weird loyalty test. Either way, she declined the invitation and has 'buyers' remorse'." - penguin_squeak
However, the story didn't add up for everyone. People started questioning the narrative.
Why did the wife drop out so suddenly? Why would she not go on vacation if she really wanted to go? And why did OP need to be convinced to go with his dad anyway?
There was a lot more info needed here.
"INFO: why didn't she go, exactly?" - personality_threee
"She didn't want to go because she's terrified of long car trips" - sethborf (OP)
"INFO"
"You say she didn't go because she 'doesn't like long car trips'."
"1. Did you know that when you planned the vacation?"
"2. If yes, then why did you plan a long car trip knowing she hates them? Why not plan to fly, or take a boat, or go somewhere closer?"
"3. Did she find out last minute that this vacation involved long car trips?" - CalamityClambake
"She said she was going to distract herself on the ride by drawing on her tablet and stuff like that. It was only a 4 hour ride so I thought she could do it." - sethborf (OP)
"Hang on. I just read your edit."
"If the issue is that she's scared when you aren't driving, then why didn't you drive?" - CalamityClambake
"Wasn't an option because my dad refuses to let anyone drive for him" - sethborf (OP)
"Considering that you've said this behavior is out of character for her, We're missing something…somewhere."
"She withdrew at the last minute, told you to go, then got mad that you went. Viewing it simply, NTA. But…could there be an instance where you are?"
"Is it possible that you or your father said or did anything (intentional or not, accidents happen) just leading up to the trip that would fuel her anxiety? If so, she may have begun to feel pushed out of the vacation."
"Were all reasonable attempts made to still include her when she chose not to ride with Dad as driver? Is there a possibility that your communication while on vacation could have been perceived negatively?"
"Was there a specific thing she was looking forward to on this vacation that you did without her? Unfortunately, big feelings can be confusing at times for all people."
'Maybe she's not yet clear on exactly why/how she felt hurt. Hope y'all can have a healthy discussion on it and find some resolution" - j0-llama
The post has since been deleted, so the edits OP made would be difficult to find. But context from the comments paint a deeper picture.
OP's wife has an intense phobia of long car rides after being in a terrible car crash when she was a kid. While she can do okay with them now, it's taken time to trust OP driving her long distances.
For this trip, OP's father was adamant he be the one who drives. While OP's wife thought she could make it, by distracting herself with her tablet, she couldn't.
Rather than try to find another solution, like insisting to the dad that OP drive, or caravanning in a different car, they just left OP's wife at home.
Which is immensely screwed up.
"This whole thing is weird."
"Your dad seriously couldn't compromise and let you drive? He knows that she was in car accident and this seems like a really passive aggressive way to get her not to come."
"If your dad doesn't let anyone drive his car, why couldn't you drive your car?"
"There were so many easy and obvious solutions, I'm wondering why you couldn't do such a small thing to accommodate your wife?" - overseas-mango
"After reading your edit and comments, gotta go with YTA."
"She has a trauma you know about that gives her a phobia of long car trips if you aren't driving and you say 'F*** you, Dad's driving cause he wants to!'"
"No talking to your dad about it, no alternatives like two cars, just send her all the pictures of how much fun you're having without her that she's missing out on." - delkarnu
"INFO: Was your dad aware that this could have been very easily solved by someone else driving? Or did he not really want her there in the first place?"
"You're acting like she just decided on a whim, not that it's actual fucking PTSD from trauma." - DelsMagicFishies
There were other options OP could have done, he didn't have to leave his wife out of the vacation. And OP's dad needs to learn to let other people drive for the sake of comfort.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.