When you’re married, you don’t have to do everything together. But there are times when it’s really nice to, and vacations are one of those times.
That’s why Redditor sethborf tried to make sure his wife could come with him on his family’s vacation to the beach. However, she drops out, and gets mad at the original poster (OP) for going without her.
OP is understandably confused, but there’s more to the story than he originally let on. Even with everything considered, who’s the bad guy here?
To find out, we turn to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit, where commenters will try to answer the titular question.
OP asks the board to figure out if he was wrong.
“AITA for going on vacation without my wife?”
And his story sounds a little strange
“My (M[ale]33) dad (M65) got a huge inheritance when my grandmother died a few years ago and he’s been hitting big with investments and the like. Earlier this year, he talked to us about him wanting to go on vacation to the Gulf of Mexico and he wanted to take us.”
“At the time, my wife (F[emale]31) seemed super gung-ho about it. We don’t have kids, so we asked a friend to stay at our home to watch our animals.”
“Well, the time comes, and my wife decides at the last minute to not go. I talked to my dad about this, and he said he really wanted her to go, but if I decide I don’t want to go it’ll be ok.”
“My wife told me I should still go since he really didn’t want to go by himself. It took a lot of convincing on their part but I ended up going while she stayed home.”
“I still asked the friend if she could come stay at our home with my wife so that she doesn’t get lonely.”
“My dad and I go and we have a great time and I send pictures and videos to my wife the entire time and buy her a lot of souvenirs. At first she replies a lot but the further and further the vacation time elapses the less talkative she seems to be.”
“We get home a week later and my wife is just giving me the cold shoulder. I ask our friend what’s wrong since my wife won’t talk to me and the friend acts like she has no idea.”
“The next day, I decide to surprise my wife with a homemade breakfast. She refuses to eat, which admittedly hurt my feelings a little bit, and she breaks her silence saying I was a butthole for going without her and making her stay home when she really wanted to go.”
“I remind her that she decided not to go at the last minute and both she and my dad convinced me to go anyway, and her response is to accuse me of gaslighting her and that I told her to stay home, which didn’t happen.”
“But, I felt like an asshole the entire trip anyway because I missed her and really wanted her there with us. Dad wanted her there too.”
“Am I the a**hole for leaving her at home while I went to the beach for a week?”
OP cannot understand why his wife would be acting like this. She refused to go last minute, convinced him to go anyway, and then got upset with OP for going? The behavior sounds a little strange to say the least.
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for going on a vacation without his wife despite her insistence he go by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
A lot of the comments started by saying that OP was NTA. Based on the story presented here, OP did everything he could to be accommodating.
He invited his wife on the vacation. She dropped out last minute, and was going to join her, but she convinced him to go anyway. Now she’s acting like he convinced her to stay.
It’d be easy to see why people voted that OP was not the bad guy.
“NTA Umm… I’m confused here. Was she semi-testing you to see if you’d choose your dad’s way (him driving only) and her way (you 2 following in your own car)?”
‘Or did the friend say something to upset her? Either way, you 2 need to have an honest, calm (no accusing/blaming) conversation.” – Maiden_of_Sorrow
“NTA. This is awful behavior from anyone, you’d expect something like this out of a child. That is super weird, I would not put up with it for a second.”
“I’d tell her take a good look at this situation and deal with it yourself, because it is not my problem whatsoever and I refuse to discuss it any further. You did absolutely nothing wrong.”
“If she wanted something specific from you, she should have explicitly communicated her needs. Yes this is harsh because that behavior is absurd and nonsensical.”
“Express your needs people, it will go a long way.” – Defiant_Low_1391
“NTA Your wife decided not to go, she’s upset because she missed out on a good time or it was some weird loyalty test. Either way, she declined the invitation and has ‘buyers’ remorse’.” – penguin_squeak
However, the story didn’t add up for everyone. People started questioning the narrative.
Why did the wife drop out so suddenly? Why would she not go on vacation if she really wanted to go? And why did OP need to be convinced to go with his dad anyway?
There was a lot more info needed here.
“INFO: why didn’t she go, exactly?” – personality_threee
“She didn’t want to go because she’s terrified of long car trips” – sethborf (OP)
“You say she didn’t go because she ‘doesn’t like long car trips’.”
“1. Did you know that when you planned the vacation?”
“2. If yes, then why did you plan a long car trip knowing she hates them? Why not plan to fly, or take a boat, or go somewhere closer?”
“3. Did she find out last minute that this vacation involved long car trips?” – CalamityClambake
“She said she was going to distract herself on the ride by drawing on her tablet and stuff like that. It was only a 4 hour ride so I thought she could do it.” – sethborf (OP)
“Hang on. I just read your edit.”
“If the issue is that she’s scared when you aren’t driving, then why didn’t you drive?” – CalamityClambake
“Wasn’t an option because my dad refuses to let anyone drive for him” – sethborf (OP)
“Considering that you’ve said this behavior is out of character for her, We’re missing something…somewhere.”
“She withdrew at the last minute, told you to go, then got mad that you went. Viewing it simply, NTA. But…could there be an instance where you are?”
“Is it possible that you or your father said or did anything (intentional or not, accidents happen) just leading up to the trip that would fuel her anxiety? If so, she may have begun to feel pushed out of the vacation.”
“Were all reasonable attempts made to still include her when she chose not to ride with Dad as driver? Is there a possibility that your communication while on vacation could have been perceived negatively?”
“Was there a specific thing she was looking forward to on this vacation that you did without her? Unfortunately, big feelings can be confusing at times for all people.”
‘Maybe she’s not yet clear on exactly why/how she felt hurt. Hope y’all can have a healthy discussion on it and find some resolution” – j0-llama
The post has since been deleted, so the edits OP made would be difficult to find. But context from the comments paint a deeper picture.
OP’s wife has an intense phobia of long car rides after being in a terrible car crash when she was a kid. While she can do okay with them now, it’s taken time to trust OP driving her long distances.
For this trip, OP’s father was adamant he be the one who drives. While OP’s wife thought she could make it, by distracting herself with her tablet, she couldn’t.
Rather than try to find another solution, like insisting to the dad that OP drive, or caravanning in a different car, they just left OP’s wife at home.
Which is immensely screwed up.
“This whole thing is weird.”
“Your dad seriously couldn’t compromise and let you drive? He knows that she was in car accident and this seems like a really passive aggressive way to get her not to come.”
“If your dad doesn’t let anyone drive his car, why couldn’t you drive your car?”
“There were so many easy and obvious solutions, I’m wondering why you couldn’t do such a small thing to accommodate your wife?” – overseas-mango
“After reading your edit and comments, gotta go with YTA.”
“She has a trauma you know about that gives her a phobia of long car trips if you aren’t driving and you say ‘F*** you, Dad’s driving cause he wants to!’”
“No talking to your dad about it, no alternatives like two cars, just send her all the pictures of how much fun you’re having without her that she’s missing out on.” – delkarnu
“INFO: Was your dad aware that this could have been very easily solved by someone else driving? Or did he not really want her there in the first place?”
“You’re acting like she just decided on a whim, not that it’s actual fucking PTSD from trauma.” – DelsMagicFishies
There were other options OP could have done, he didn’t have to leave his wife out of the vacation. And OP’s dad needs to learn to let other people drive for the sake of comfort.