When we start dating someone new, we always hope that our closest friends and our family will like and accept our new partner.
But when the time comes to marry them, we especially want our partners to feel accepted and loved.
It doesn't always work out that way, though, confided the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Engagementx1234 was fed up at his own engagement party when some derogatory things about his fiancée.
When he was criticized, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he overreacted.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for kicking my brother out of my engagement party for what he said about my fiancée?"
The OP wanted to introduce his girlfriend to his family.
"I ([Male] 31) met my now fiancee at the clinic I work in (I'm a dentist)."
"She works a lower-paying job at the clinic."
"She's the sweetest, nicest, most beautiful woman I've ever met. She's smart, humble, and has a beautiful smile."
"It was a love of first sight for me and I was lucky that she felt the same way about me."
"I introduced her to my family after 8 months of dating (she wanted to wait because of her fear that my family wouldn't accept her)."
"My sister became her best friend instantly."
"My mom admired her personality and became friends with her mom."
Not everyone liked her, though.
"But my dad and brother kept their distance and made some pretty hurtful comments about how 'incompatible' my fiancee and I were and how I should keep it moving and look for someone 'with a better background'. They never said anything in front of her though."
"I ignored them completely and tried to protect my fiancee from their snide comments, but because mom and others wanted us to visit, then we didn't have much choice."
It came up again at their engagement party.
"Last week we had our engagement party at the restaurant."
"I didn't want my dad or my brother there, but my mom told me to let my dad and brother come since my fiance would notice I didn't invite them and ask questions about it."
"I decided to invite them after mom promised they remain civil and respectful."
"My family arrived together."
"My dad remained quiet then started talking with other guests, so things were going pretty well."
The OP's brother persisted.
"When dinner arrived, my brother sat with us at the table, asking how much money 'I lost' to make this dinner happen then how much my fiancee contributed 'at all'."
"My fiancee and I were talking about her engagement ring, and my brother randomly started singing, 'I ain't saying she a gold digger.'"
"My fiancee and her mom stared at him, and he stopped."
"I gave him a look as a warning for him to knock it off."
"Then I got up from my seat to make a toast, and my brother interrupted me loudly, coughing, 'Prenup!' and everyone heard him and stared awkwardly."
"I was livid. I put my drink down and asked him to see me outside."
"I had an argument with him and told him to leave."
"He acted dumb about how he behaved and Mom got involved."
"I demanded him to leave, and he did after calling me nuts, and Mom and Dad said I shouldn't have kicked him out."
"Dad left shortly after, which made Mom say I caused a scene and ruined my own dinner by kicking my brother out."
"My fiancee was hurt by that, but Mom said my brother cried because I kicked him out and wants us to meet and talk."
"My brother is older than me, he's 37 and divorced."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn't believe the disrespect the OP's brother and dad showed.
"NTA - how dare they disrespect your fiancé, that is crossing the line. I do believe your Dad and brother must talk about their dislike for her A LOT if he had the balls to embarrass you and her at your own party."
"He deserved to get kicked out and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all, nor would I even worry about meeting up with them." - lilyintx
"They didn't disrespect just his fiancé, they disrespected her entire side of the family. Completely unacceptable. Good on OP for not glossing it over, or she'd never have known if she could trust him to be her partner." - Dread314r8Bob
"And how childish was it to blame OP for ruining his own dinner? 'He didn't ruin your dinner...YOU ruined it. NAH NAH NAH NA BOO BOO!!!'"
"In reality, OP saved his dinner by getting rid of the trash person who couldn't and wouldn't behave themselves (despite promising to do so)." - pcnauta
"Yeah, brother knew exactly what he was doing. He intended to ruin your party. Do not invite him to the wedding and tell your mom and dad if they aren't on board they can join him on the uninvited list." - KickballW**re
Others said the brother was divorced and shouldn't speak on someone else's marriage.
"Maybe a nice retort after the 'prenup' cough could have been - 'look - I'm happy. I'm celebrating. and your failed marriage won't change that.'" - effyoucreeps
"Came here to say similar: his marriage failed so he's maybe looking at the world through those lenses. No excuse for acting like he did and not expecting repercussions though. NTA" - Goateed_chocolate
"And the brother is divorced, so he's not one to lecture about marriage."
"Maybe he got clobbered financially in the settlement and that's why he's so bitter and rude, but it's absolutely no excuse to publicly disrespect the fiancée by calling her a gold-digger, disrespecting OP by implying he's a sucker who's being taken for his money, and also the fiancée's family by default."
"Neither the brother nor dad should be allowed at the wedding when it finally happens. The brother is lucky that he was only asked to leave when OP took him outside; I doubt a lot of people would have had that much self-control. NTA" - Far_Administration41
Though the OP was pressured to apologize to his brother, the subReddit thought the brother, father, and maybe even the mother, had another thing coming. Disrespecting someone's partner like that, at an event they organized and paid for, is anything but kind.
The OP and his fiancée likely would need to set new boundaries for visiting with family, not to mention who would be invited to the wedding.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.