Breakups and divorces have a tendency of being really messy and bringing out sides to people we didn't know were there.
But sometimes there are exceptions when an ex-partner really needs help, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor CandyPopss decided he had no other choice but to help his ex-wife when she came into financially hard times.
But when his current wife completely disagreed, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong for stepping in.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for buying my ex-wife a new car and helping her with some bills, which made my wife mad?"
The OP sympathized with his ex-wife's financial situation.
"My ex-wife was a SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom) during our 16-year marriage."
"Since we got married very young, she has very little job experience and is now in her 40s."
"She works at a diner as a waitress currently."
"She no longer receives alimony from me since she remarried, automatically stopping the payments which were originally lifetime, due to the fact that she was in her mid-30s with no education or job experience."
"Now that they divorced, she's had to get a job, since unlike with me, she didn't get hardly any spousal support from her last husband. But the thing is, she doesn't make enough to really do much of anything."
The OP wanted to help his ex-wife out.
"I have a lot of disposable income (likely more than people reading this would be willing to believe), and she has no disposable income."
"She fell way behind on bills and reached out to me as a last resort."
"So I asked my wife, thinking she'd say okay. She did not."
"Almost immediately after this conversation, my ex and her car were involved in an accident."
"She had a hospital bill which totaled 77k."
"I paid that expense, along with buying her a new car, and I gave her e-money to catch up on bills, with extra to pay her monthly expenses until she gets back on her feet."
The OP's wife was furious.
"My wife was p**sed when she found out. She claims my ex needs to, 'fend for herself.'"
"But my ex is only in this position because she had to drop out to take care of our baby and ended up just staying home."
"When we split, she didn't have the credentials to make a living wage."
"I had quite literally no choice. I told her It would be cruel to watch the woman, who enabled me to get to where I am, suffer."
"She lost it and now won't talk to me."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was incredibly kind of acknowledging his ex in this way.
"OP is being a stand-up guy by acknowledging that the ex is in this mess due to her past with him. I'd be proud of being married to a man who thought this way." - psychotica1
"The wife wasn't okay with him helping the ex, before the accident. He didn't ask about the car or hospital bills because they happened after that conversation."
"Obviously, he can afford to do it, and his current wife should be happy that she's married to such a good man. If she hadn't remarried, she'd have gotten lifetime alimony. I say NTA." - Apprehensive-Bee-474
"NTA."
"I can see how your current wife might be bothered by this, but at the same time she's the mother of your child and you had the ability to help."
"Personally, I'd prefer my husband not to be selfish if this were a situation we were in." - mercifulalien
"He acknowledged this woman took the short straw to drop out of college and the workforce to take care of their child."
"He acknowledged that this left her at a disadvantage in life to be able to go out and support herself."
"And in all that time, he was able to still go on to be successful, and he acknowledged that the sacrifice of her future was at least in part a reason for that."
"AND he refuses to let her suffer when he can easily help her, because of those sacrifices she made that enabled him to get to a place where he can drop $100k without batting an eye."
"This dude couldn't be more of a stand-up guy in my book!" - Positive-Parsley-985
Others suggested the wife was more upset about who was receiving the money than what was spent.
"Unless there was something OP omitted, which I guess is possible because he didn't really explain their current relationship with the ex, his current wife is an a**hole."
"It also sounds like the ex didn't reach out until she was truly f**ked and had no other choice. Nothing in the post even sounds like the ex has been close to greedy at all."
"The wife really has no legitimate reason to dislike her besides pettiness over her being an ex or the mother of OP's child, which means she can't be his everything and the ex will always be around."
"I still consider the wife an a**hole, at least as OP had described the situation here." - letstrythisagain30
"She's being not only unfair but honestly selfish and possessive. It's not a good look."
"That's her husband's child's mother she's in some nonexistent competition with. The fact that she expects OP to just forget about her is possessive and cruel." - Ehgender
"Clearly, the money was a non-issue, his current wife just wants to stick it to the ex (with a heavy dash of 'she should've pulled herself up by her bootstraps,' conveniently forgoing the fact that the ex-wife had to saw them off to raise her children and let OP build his wealth)."
"If all shared necessities and responsibilities were taken care of, then each person's individual income should be spent the way they see fit, barring any ethical, legal, or moral issue."
"If my husband were to leave his ex-wife, and by extension his children, in a hard place when we were both comfortable enough to do something about it and it wasn't her fault, I would be very disappointed in him." - BadTanJob
"There's a couple of ways I see this honestly."
"OP was a little bit of an a**hole for going ahead and covering these expenses for his ex after his current wife had already said she wasn't okay with it."
"77k+ a new car is a LOT of money, and in a marriage, those kinds of financial decisions should always be discussed and agreed upon before action was taken."
"He spoke to his wife, she told him no, he did it anyway, seemingly behind her back. YTA here."
"OP's wife, on the other hand, was a bit of an a**hole for not being more compassionate to his ex."
"Whether she likes it or not, OP and his ex were married for 16 years and it sounds like they share children. Of course, he's still going to care about her to some degree if things are amicable."
"I can understand her being uncomfortable with his ex's bills being so high, but to say 'she needs to fend for herself' is completely unfair. His ex was held back by a lack of work experience and was in dire straits."
"Even if his wife was uncomfortable dishing out all that money, she could have at least been open to finding some other way to help and give support to the mother of her husband's children. NTA here." - leftytrash161
Concerned by how angry his wife was with him, the OP wondered if he was wrong for helping his ex-wife, but the subReddit urged him not to worry.
He had done the right thing by acknowledging his ex-wife's life was a direct product of helping him out, not to mention being the mother of his child.
To not do something when capable is truly an example of being unkind.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.