A new baby is an exciting thing, and for many parents any extra help is welcome.
But for some, extra help becomes extra responsibility and therefore extra stress.
Redditor Ill-Role-5933’s daughter-in-law is about to have her first baby, and she wants to be an active grandparent.
The Original Poster (OP) recently convinced her DIL to let her help leading up to delivery and postpartum, but the OP’s daughter says she’s overstepping.
Her confusion led the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked,
“AITA for “pressuring” my daughter in law to let me help her during her pregnancy?”
She went on to tell her story.
“We live in the US. I [female] have two kids Kylie [female age 28] and Chris [male age 25], both of them are married.”
“My daughter has two kids [male age 5 and male age 2] I had helped her though both of her pregnancies as that was something she wanted.”
“I stayed over at her and her husband’s house for about a month for both pregnancies.”
“My son got married to a foreign girl Camila [female age 24], she’s from latin america. They announced a couple months ago that they’re expecting their first baby.”
“Camila has no family here so we’re really her only family in the country.”
“I told her to count on me for whatever she needed with the pregnancy since I know that first pregnancies can be scary if you’re alone.”
“She thanked me and sometimes calls me to know if something’s normal, or she tells me that she feels “X” thing and asks if she should go to the doctor and such.”
“She’s now close to the 30 weeks now. We celebrated her baby shower last weekend with friends and family.”
“The baby shower was held in my house, after everyone left my son, her and my daughter’s family stayed over to have dinner together.”
“I asked Camila if her mom will come to visit and help her though the delivery and postpartum weeks to which she said she wasn’t going to since her mom works and it’s not something that people use to do in Uruguay (her native country) because couple’s tend to want some alone time after the baby’s born there.”
“I told her that sounds sad, to be all alone, I told her that here is rather common for grandma’s to go and help around when a baby’s born, that I did it for my daughter like my mom did it for me and etc.”
“I told her that I could help her if she wants, I can go stay over at her house for a couple weeks before the birth so she can rest.”
“I can cook, do laundry, clean and all that stuff so she doesn’t have to. And then I can stay over after the baby is here to continue helping with the house and the baby.”
“She told me it’s not necessary since my son will have paternity leave so he can do all of that stuff.”
“I told her that there is some stuff that he will not be able to do either (like helping with postpartum) and that they’re both first time parents so both of them have a lot to learn and it’s helpful to have someone who already did it around.”
“My son agreed, he said that’s true and that he won’t be able to provide the same help and support that another mother can.” “
We continued talking a bit more about that until she said its ok for me to help. They left after dinner.”
“My daughter stayed a bit over because she wanted to talk to me.”
“She said I was overstepping because Camila was obviously very uncomfortable with me staying over and that will add stress to her.”
“She said I’m not respecting her wishes of having alone time after the birth like she’s used to. She also said I basically pressured her into telling me what I wanted to hear.”
“Is she right about all of this? I just want to help them out”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“YTA.”
“You: This is how we do it.”
“Her: This is how we do it.”
“You: Your way is sad and wrong. My way better.”
“Her: We will still do it our way.”
“You: Your way won’t work. It won’t I say. My way is superior.”
“Son: Sure mom, your way has benefits.”
“You: See??? My way!! MY WAY!!!”
“Her: Fine. Sure.”
“Daughter: Voice of Reason.”
“She is 100% right. Even if you just want to help out, you were rude, insulting and badgering.”
“What is your son to do here? Turn you down? Turn down the help? Argue against notion that you have special experience? Complete AH.”
“Try to LISTEN to your DIL moving forward.” – pottersquash
“YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA!!!!!!!!!!”
“THE. MOTHER’S. BIRTHING. EXPERIENCE. IS. NOT. ABOUT. WHAT. YOU. WANT.”
“And it’s not “common” in the US to have somebody invade your home for a month post-partum.”
“That is the stuff my NIGHTMARES were made of when I gave birth. I had to fight off my own mother AND his from invading my birthing room and my house.”
“If your daughter had actually ENJOYED the experience of having you underfoot after she gave birth, she probably would have told her SIL, “yeah it can be helpful”… but she was the one saying NO.”
“Tells me you browbeat your own daughter into making her birthing experiences about YOU and what you wanted.”
“Call your DIL and tell her, you understand she would prefer her privacy and you will be waiting for her to call and tell you when SHE is ready.”
“Also, your son is a grown a** man and he CAN help his wife with whatever she needs, and she would probably be more COMFORTABLE with her husband helping her with certain things than her MIL.”
“Stop over-stepping and stay in your damn lane before your DIL is on here asking if she’s TA for keeping her overbearing nightmare of a MIL away from herself and her kids.” – OwlBig3482
“You sound pushy AND vaguely xenophobic” – Terrible-Fix-9798
“YTA”
“Your daughter is correct. When Camila responded to your query about her mom, that was your answer, esp considering she added ‘because couples want some alone time after the baby is born.’”
“That was her way of saying no thank you, and you proceeded to steamroll her regardless.” – MiskatonicUAlum
“She said no, that should have been the end of it. You absolutely pressured her, and your son helped. YTA” – EchoFlowertrance
“YTA-offering the first time is fine, but you keep pushing yourself on her. It honestly sounds somewhat disrespectful to keep harping on her needing help when she’s stated her preferences.”
“You are not her mother.”
“Frankly, most people would be extremely bothered by having someone in their home who isn’t their direct blood relation or spouse—lots of people don’t feel comfortable being naked around their in-laws.”
“If you’re in her home she’ll have to navigate not only having a new baby, but also work out the logistics of what she’s comfortable with you doing, and communicating it so she doesn’t offend you, plus constantly having to hold her boundaries when you push back (since you’re not taking no for an answer now, there’s no way it won’t be worse if you’re living there!)”
“Let her experience motherhood the way she wants to, without having to manage your expectations as well.”
“If they need help, they’ll ask. But right now she’s not only not asking, but is clearly telling you to stop offering.”
“Back off, apologize for being pushy, and thank your daughter for pointing out the issue.” – Stellaknight
“YTA. You are absolutely forcing yourself on her. I get you’re trying to be helpful, but you should have taken her “No thank you” as the end of it.”
“They’re new parents, yes. But because they are new parents, they deserve the time to get comfortable and figure things out for themselves.”
“Just because your mom moved in with you and you moved in with your daughter doesn’t mean you HAVE to do it for your son and daughter in law.”
“If you NEED do something, ask about bringing a meal over after they are home from the hospital. ASK FIRST. Don’t just show up with a casserole.”
“Also. Your son can ABSOLUTELY help with postpartum stuff, if he doesn’t, then that’s disappointing.”
“If you think your daughter in law being home alone with only her husband and their newborn is “all alone”, then you need to look at the man you raised.”
“They are a family, a unit. Let them be that while they figure things out.” – LadyF16
“Why not call her and have a real convo? Explain that you might have overstepped and want to check-in.”
“Explain that your offer of help was exactly that–help for a first-time Mom. Ask her what support she wants and listen.”
“Maybe ask her about her family traditions around birth and just listen to her.”
“It sounds like you might have been pushy in this convo but have a good relationship overall if she’s been calling you to ask questions about pregnancy.”
“Any hurt feelings or misunderstandings can be cleared up if you take the time to listen to what she wants and needs.” – IndependentEarth123
Hopefully this interaction can birth a new and improved relationship between the two.