One of the biggest joys of becoming an independent adult is that we are finally not beholden to others and can make our own decisions.
Including making changes to several decisions our parents had been making in our lives as children.
Including our name.
An acquaintance of Redditor achucs decided to change her name.
Pointedly choosing a name she felt was reflective of her personality.
Put off by this choice of name, the original poster (OP) was reluctant to address their friend by their new name. Wondering if they were being unfair for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to call me friend by her new name, 'Queen'?"
The OP explained why they were less than eager to address their friend by their new, chosen name:
"My partner's friend (25 F[emale]) socially changed her name from the name her mom gave her, to a name she chose for herself."
"She is cisgender, btw."
"Her name change is due to her wanting to reinvent herself."
"And her new name, Queen, reflects how she thinks of herself and how she wants others to see her."
"Her social media usernames and profiles reflect her new name, and people she's met in the past few years call her by the name she's introduced herself as."
"I'd be glad to support her in the autonomy she seeks by naming herself."
"But my issue is that she wants everyone to call her Queen."
"Within the friend group, I notice that sometimes her old friends slip up and call her by her given name."
"But you can see that it doesn't sit well with her and that being deadnamed bothers her."
"Sometimes she'll politely correct, but not within larger groups."
"Sometimes her friends self-correct and call her Queen."
"Since, 'Queen' and 'King' are used as terms of praise, reverence, and endearment, I am very hesitant to call this person 'Queen'."
"I simply don't feel that way about her."
"That says, if she tells a funny joke, or I'm fondly greeting her, it's easy to call her Queen."
"It just doesn't feel like a name to me."
"It feels more like a title."
"I don't feel right calling my peer Queen."
"If she were to change her name to a name that means queen, like Reina, I wouldn't experience any unease with calling her such."
"I avoid using any name to refer to her."
"If I do use a name, I try to say Queen, but if I'm not in a good mood or if I'm annoyed with her, I don't bring myself to say it."
"I asked if I can call her 'Q' and she said no, my name is 'Queen'."
"Perhaps I would feel differently if it were a stage name."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to address her friend as Queen.
Most understood where the OP was coming from, feeling that the fact that this new friend chose "Queen" as her new name speaks volumes about her character, even if some wondered how good a friend "Queen" was if the OP felt this way.
"NTA."
"Changing one's own name to 'Queen' (or King, or anything else that obviously signals one's belief in their own superiority over other people) and then demanding that people address you by that name is an inherently asshole move."
"It's so, so gross, and absolutely reeks of narcissism."
"If any of my friends ever did this, I would honestly be so turned off by it that I would most likely stop being friends with them."
"Blech."
"My own issues with valorizing the concept of royalty aside--fuck monarchs, seriously--if you want people to call you 'Queen'," work to earn that and let other people give you the title as a sign of respect."- rtthrowawayyyyyyy
"NTA."
"I've known several people whose legal name was Queen."
"I have no problem calling them Queen."
"There is no more significance attached to that name!"- PandaOk1529
"I'm going to start by saying, yes, I respect people's gender/name/identity… but.."
"NTA, in fact, in many places, you CAN'T change your name to official titles, ranks, etc, when you don't have an entitlement to them."
"It would be the same as if she wanted to change her name to Doctor... nope, not happening."- Late-Hat-9144
"NTA."
"A friend in HS tried to get us all to call her 'Martini'."
"Variation of her last name."
"We wouldn't."
"Some people outside of our circle would play along, but we wouldn't."
"It felt weird."
"Conversely, in my 20s I met a guy, who introduced himself to me as 'sir',"
"I scoffed."
"He then whipped out his DL, and it clearly said 'Sir' followed by his middle and last name."
"He then told me something along the lines of: 'my momma named me 'Sir' bc white people don't like to address black people even when custom dictates they should'."
"I never saw him again, but if I do in the future, and I recognize him, I'll will address him as 'Sir'."- Ntrmttntfisting
"If she changed her name to 'Master'," 'YourHighness', or anything similar that inherently implies a power discrepancy.
"NTA, just because she sees herself as a queen doesn't mean everyone else has to."
"Titles that imply superiority and authority over others shouldn't be taken as names."- cyanderella
"Ehhh NTA."
"But at the same time, she's free to change her name if she wants to."
"Unless like, the friend picks one which by law can get denied."
"Technically...it's not really your business what she names herself if she wants to change it."
"I suppose the questions here really should be, how close is your friendship, and do you want to maintain it?"
"I think the fact that she changed her name to this so that people will 'see' her as a 'queen' is the main issue."
"Which, my own opinion, just sounds narcissistic and obnoxious."
"However, It's still a name she has chosen."
"So how close are the two of you?"
"Is this a friendship you want to maintain?"
"If the answer is very close, and yes, you want to maintain it, then...bite the bullet, or find a way to mentally build a bridge and get over this feeling annoyed by her name."
"It's not really worth losing a friendship over IF you guys are good friends and you want to maintain the friendship."
"If the answer is, no, not really that close, and no, you're not really bothered about maintaining it."
"Then, well, the issue is solved, really."
"Slowly exit from the friendship like Homer sinking away into the hedges."
"And you won't have to bother about calling her by that name again."
"Good luck with whatever you decide to do."- xzemx
"NTA."
"Pressure her to start calling you Empress."- krasecz
"This post is way too 2024 for me take me back in time please."
"NTA because your friends an a**."- DrMantisToboggan45
"NTA."
"It is what it is."
"Call her Q in a cute, playful way."
"Grow apart in a calm undramatic way."
"Anything you say against her new name will come across as a criticism of her so save your energy."- CandlewoodLane
"NTA."
"She sounds extremely arrogant just from that choice. Also if she didn't legally change it, she can shut up about it."- MaxV331
"Uhm, wtf, of course you are not in the wrong in not using a 'socially changed' name that's meant to over-inflate someone's ego."
"NTA."- Ferdster02
"NTA."
"I could understand Something like Queenie, or Regina, but to sit there and demand people call you Queen is too much."
"Not when its something you give yourself."- Timmyisagirl
"NTA."
"It's weird these people think everybody around them has to play by their delusional rules."
"She definitely needs a dose of reality."- Tuqui77
"NTA."
"But helpful advice, trying saying it in a scouse accent?"
"It's a normal thing to call your mate in Liverpool UK, especially if you're trying to hype them up."-Annabelle_Sugarsweet
Some, however, felt that "Queen" had every right to change her name to exactly what she wanted, even if they understood why she was resistant to address her by that name.
"NAH."
"I can see where you are coming from, but I can't rightly call this person an AH for wanting a name they feel a connection to as a statement."
"I also think it's an odd choice and would have difficulty with it."- lostalldoubt86
It's hard to imagine someone would choose to rename themselves "Queen" without realizing the connotations that come with it. That being said, if that was their choice, it should be respected, especially if it's a friend who made this decision.
That being said, one can't help but wonder how good a friend this particular "Queen" actually is to the OP.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.