Raising a child with a disability can be taxing on a parent. It’s often a learning experience for the parent as much as the child.
Redditor InfamousReview knows this struggle and spoke about it, but may have upset her son. The original poster (OP) doesn’t want to lie, and feels this may have made her a jerk.
OP decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit if she were wrong for that they said to their son.
She asked:
“AITA for admitting that I wish my son wasn’t disabled?”
OP’s situation with her son has definitely been affected.
“I am the single mother of three children, my daughter is seventeen years old and my sons are fifteen and six.”
“My older son is ‘Lucas’, and he is completely Deaf. When he was born, I was riding on a high from my daughter, who was and still is healthy as a horse.”
“I didn’t know if he would ever be independent, or learn how to take care of himself, but so far he has surpassed my expectations as a very independent boy. I sacrificed a lot for him, learning ASL and sending him to a special school and being patient through all the frustration.”
“We were having a conversation and I brought up how I wished Lucas wasn’t disabled more than anything but people had to learn how to live with those things, which upset Lucas. He ranted at me about how much of a jerk I was and how he hated me before storming off.”
“I don’t think I was an asshole in this situation – I won’t be one of those parents who raves about how their kids are ‘so brave’ just for being disabled. But for the sake of our relationship… Was I?”
OP spoke her honest truth, and questions lying about being brave to her son. But was it necessary to tell this to her son?
To find out, OP had other commenters judge her for her actions.
The other Redditors did this by including one of the following in their comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While OP’s comments might have been honest, they weren’t helpful. On top of that, they may have been actively hurtful for her son.
The commenters disagreed with OP’s actions and made sure she understood what she did wrong.
It was determined that OP was wrong for what she said to her son.
“YTA-My mum made the exact same comment more times than I’d care to count. It hurts to know your parent thinks there’s a fundamental part of yourself that they wish wasn’t there.”
“You sacrificed by learning ASL and sending him to a school that accommodates his needs? Thats not sacrifice that’s being a parent.” – GothPenguin
“Also, she didn’t know if he would be independent or learn to take care of himself? The kid’s deaf not cognitively impaired. YTA.” – IndWrist2
“Yta. He’s deaf not a potato. He will live an independent life, and without you in it if you don’t beg forgiveness.”
“Learning ASL is not a sacrifice, in my opinion it should be taught to everyone. You have a language barrier.”
“Do I say life would be easier if my daughter didn’t have food allergies, yes. But I don’t make her feel like crap for it.” – jadepumpkin1984
“As a disabled person myself, YTA. And just so you know, what you said is the kinda stuff people remember.” – eybepbepbep
“YTA. You haven’t sacrificed by learning ASL, you did what was necessary to communicate with your child.”
“He will never forget that you said this and will always believe (likely correctly) that you would have loved him more if he were not Deaf.” – lilianic
OP’s situation with her son is hampered by her comments, but also by her mentality. Feeling the need to put these feelings on her son is going to hurt in the long run.
It’s just not the kind of thing you say to your child.
“There are things we think but don’t tell our kids.”
“My son has ADHD and is suspected autistic (still evaluating that one). Getting him to the point where he can still excel in school has cost us tens (yes – tens) of thousands of dollars in occupational therapy, CBT, tutors, hundreds if not a few thousand hours of time and effort, heartache and other emotions I don’t think I can properly express.”
“Far more than my other two children, both of whom understand the need for said effort but occasionally hold it against him because they sometimes feel less important. My wife and I are imperfect like that.”
“Deep down, do I wish my son wasn’t ADHD? Yes.”
“Will I tell him that? Never. The furthest I’ll ever go is to admit to him that its been a struggle. And even then, not until he’s an adult.”
“YTA, but I sympathize. Being a parent of a disadvantaged child is mostly a thankless job. Sometimes that slips out. Apologize profusely and never do it again.” – c1ncinasty
“Yeah this is the kind of thing you say to a THERAPIST. Not to your child. YTA, OP deserves some safe venting space but that’s not her child’s burden to bear.”
“It belongs to a therapist, or a partner, or your closest friend.” – Hey-Kristine-Kay
“The questions is – why did you need to say this at all? How could it possibly have made your relationship with your son better?”
“Many deaf people, particularly those deaf from birth, feel that being deaf is not a disability, but a part of who they are as a person. Deafness may be inconvenient for you, but it is all he has ever known, it will not shorten his life or even significantly disrupt it.”
“By saying that you wish he was not, you were essentially telling him that he as a person was flawed. Would you tell a child that you wish they were taller? Or express sorrow that their intelligence was low? YTA” – ExistentialistTeapot
Hopefully OP takes the judgement top heart and understands why what they did was wrong. On top of that, they should appreciate their son, and the experiences they’ve had.
Learning sign language is great, and shouldn’t be seen as a burden. And OP’s son should be proud of who he is and what he’s experienced.