It's always exciting for a parent to learn that their child is getting married.
Knowing that their child has found the love of their life, who they want to commit to, potentially leading to a family of their own.
Of course, when the reality of the wedding sinks in, so does the cost of it all.
As well as the delicate issue of who is responsible for paying for it.
The stepdaughter of Redditor AvailableBreakfast59 recently announced their engagement.
News the original poster (OP) and their husband were thrilled about.
Something the OP was less than thrilled about, however, was that they were also expected to pay for it.
Something the OP was almost completely unwilling to do.
Wondering if they were wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to spend $$ we do not have on my stepdaughter's wedding?"
The OP explained why they were less than willing to pay for their stepdaughter's wedding:
"My husband I have 'his, her, theirs' - we each have an adult child from our first marriages (to different people obv), and we have two littles together."
"Neither one of us centers our lives around money."
"I'd say that we live somewhat comfortably - we've always had a modest budget."
"Our decision to have our last two kids took this into consideration - that's part of why we have a modest budget."
"Because kids aren't cheap."
"We raised our first two into successful young adults, so we know the sacrifices involved in raising kids."
"I work p/t so I'm the go-to parent for sick days, school events, appointments, etc."
"His job carries the family on his health insurance."
"It works out well."
"His ex and her husband have always been pretty financially well off."
"He always paid a lot of child support monthly - they didn't go to court."
"He just did it because he didn't want to be a sh*t parent."
"Basic human decency."
"My now-adult bonus child was always asking her dad (my husband) for money for basic stuff like school textbooks, help with her car, etc."
"I don't think she understood that after he (we) paid her mom child support, we didn't have much money left outside of that."
"Occasionally it caused tension between us because my husband always wanted to give her money while her mom and stepdad were/are pretty well off."
"Now bonus is engaged!"
"Woooo!"
"We are so excited, and her partner is absolutely amazing."
"We are over the moon!"
"Here's the catch."
"There is the expectation that the wedding is going the 'traditional' route where the bride's family is expected to cover the majority of the wedding expenses."
"They want a pretty traditional, fancy wedding, too."
"And we are expected to pay for half."
"This idea of spending so much money on a wedding has always been completely absurd to me."
"For my own first marriage, I did a nature theme, married outside, had a potluck, etc."
"It wasn't pricy at all."
"My husband feels the same way in terms of how silly expensive weddings are."
"We are nature people, in general."
"We grow a lot of our own food, try to support local businesses, etc, and just aren't really materialistic in any sense of the word."
"I don't get nails done, I don't do makeup, get regular haircuts, etc."
"And essentially on one salary, we have to maintain a reasonable budget because we have two littles in the house, too."
"Honestly, we barely have *any* money to contribute."
"AITA for not wanting to throw the little bit of savings we *have* managed to build up at this wedding?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP Fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community mostly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to pay for their stepdaughter's wedding.
Some felt that the OP was being a bit overtly harsh, feeling this was a decision for their husband to make, and that they could at least set a maximum price, rather than refuse to pay altogether:
"Light YTA, not because you don’t want to pay for a big wedding, but because you’re unilaterally deciding this. Dad not contributing will absolutely drive a wedge in their relationship."
"I’d ask your husband to look at your finances honestly and decide on a set amount you will contribute."
"Have this conversation with the daughter openly and without judgement of their wants, just focus on what you can do."
"Again, this doesn’t mean a blank check or a huge donation to their wedding fund."
"Just an honest conversation and set a figure of what you can contribute."
"It sounds like mom will probably be able to pick up some of the extra tab, and her soon-to-be in laws might want to pitch in too."
"I say all this because, frankly, I was in a similar position as your stepdaughter."
"My mother was extremely kind and helped pay for most of my wedding (after offering a set budget which I stuck to), but my dad did not pitch in until the very end, when he realized that not giving anything was a bad look."
"I had talked to him about it prior, and got very unfirm commitments in what he’d contribute if anything, and when he did finally offer assistance (3 months before our date) he did it with commentary on all our already-booked vendors and venue."
"And I must say, the commentary was almost identical to yours."
"When I got married, I didn’t do this! Why not just get married in the backyard? Do you really need to do xyz already payed for service?"
"Needless to say, this strained our relationship much more than him sitting me down at the beginning and just telling me a number."- Alternative_Gap1898
Some, however, felt the OP absolutely had the right to draw the line if paying for the wedding was beyond their means, even if they still felt there could be room to contribute something:
"NTA and no one is ever the AH for not footing the bill for an expensive wedding they did not agree to pay for."
"If possible, discuss what amount you can give to your step -daughter (no strings attached) and dad should tell her ASAP that you'd both be delighted to contribute $X toward the wedding."
"If you can't afford to give anything, also tell her that right now in clear terms."
"But let this post be the first and last place you inform the general public that you're not materialistic."
"That's great, but it's completely irrelevant here and makes you sound smug."- HiCabbageNTA
"They are adults and are not entitled to your (you + your husband's) money."
"They can't just unilaterally decide 'we're having a big wedding.. and p.s. You're paying for it'."
"It's 2026, not 1856."
"If they cannot afford the big wedding they want on their own, they need to scale back their wedding plans to something they can afford to save for."- Spare-Shirt24
"NTA but this is something for her parents to manage, you can discuss it with your husband and come to a decision together but that's where your role ends, if you overstep YWBTA."
"All that stuff about how you did your own wedding and how nature lovers and savers and non-materialistic you are is irrelevant to the issue and rubs me the wrong way, sounds like you are bragging and comparing your step daughter wishes to yours in a negative light."
"She isn't wrong in any way for wanting a completely different wedding to the one you wanted, you do not have to foot the bill and go into debt for it and she might have to adapt and manage her expectations, but that doesn't make her preferences and life choices less valid than yours."- Ontas
While some didn't think it was unreasonable for the OP to refuse payment, but also found it fair for their stepdaughter to expect a little help:
"NAH."
"She's not the AH for asking; you're not the AH for feeling like it's a big ask."
"However, I see resentment coming from you and silence coming from your husband."
"You're getting into AH territory."
"You and your husband need to have a conversation."
"This isn't about you and your bonus daughter."
"What are his expectations?"
"Work together to come up with a budget you can afford."
"He needs to step in and make it clear to his daughter what you all are willing to contribute as a unit."
"Brides need to work with a budget, parents don't automatically pay."- MinervaZee
Expecting the parents of the bride to pay for a wedding is a fairly antiquated idea, especially if they don't have the money to pay for it.
Which the OP and their husband apparently don't have.
Even so, it seems that the OP's refusal stems more from principle than from ability.
If this is the case, one hopes the OP reconsiders, as the decision could lead to some ongoing conflict between their stepdaughter and her father.
