Pregnancy is a beautiful part of life.
But it is also a difficult process.
Expectant moms need help.
Unfortunately, rather than bringing ease, some partners make it all more difficult.
What is a pregnant mom to do?
Redditor Otherwise-Throat6262 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my husband I won’t be going to his birthday dinner since he asked if I would leave early anyway?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For context, I will be 38 weeks pregnant on my husband’s birthday this year.”
“The previous week, I reluctantly allowed his sister to pick my daughter up from school so she could spend the day with her and his parents (she does half days still).”
“I say reluctantly because they have continuously crossed parental boundaries in the past, but that’s a different story.”
“It had been a while, and she loves them and I truly want them to have a relationship, so I gave it another go.”
“Anyway, my husband and I went to pick her up at his parents and while there, his sister asked what he was doing for his birthday coming up.”
“I had asked him a number of times already what he wanted to do, he had thrown out some ideas for us to do as a family as well, but he never decided on anything.”
“So, he says he doesn’t have plans.”
“She asked if he wanted her to make him dinner at her apartment then and he said yeah, that sounds good.”
“It would be a family dinner: his parents, her partner, and our family.”
“All good.”
“Tonight, he said that we could drive separately because he doesn’t want to leave early.”
“He asked me at dinner if I would leave early with our daughter so I could put her to bed.”
“He wants to stay and drink and smoke and be up late.”
“This majorly upset me because this whole pregnancy has not felt like a partnership whatsoever.”
“He only made one of my several ultrasounds (I’m over 35, so I got a good amount of them), works almost every weekend voluntarily vs. making plans with my daughter and I.”
“He put off doing things I physically cannot do for the nursery until the third trimester I’ve been asking him to do since the first.”
“I’ve also asked him to look into ways he can support me during birth and not a single Google search has been made to that effect.”
“I’m not sure if I’m being the crazy pregnant lady, but it certainly feels like he just wants to do whatever he wants without any regard for me carrying this child he told me desperately wanted.”
“I was fine with one.”
“Our birthdays are close, the baby’s due date is only two days after mine (so I’ll be 40 weeks for my birthday if she doesn’t decide to arrive before then).”
“So for my birthday, I don’t get to do anything but be pregnant and wait for the baby.”
“It would be nice to feel like he wants to spend these special occasions with me/my daughter and I.”
“He clearly is not empathetic to the fact that I can’t go out and do these things for this period of time, so to be told to go home so he can party more is hurtful.”
“I told him that in that case, I don’t even want to be there and she (my daughter) and I aren’t going to dinner.”
“Honestly, I would not be in a mood to celebrate and just get upset anyway.”
“But it does constantly feel like as much as he claims to be a family guy, spending quality time with us doesn’t matter to him.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“He shouldn’t be getting drunk and stoned when you are 38 weeks pregnant.”
“It’s normal to go into labor from week 37, so he should be staying sober just in case.”
“He also sounds like a selfish jerk who doesn’t appreciate his wife and child.” ~ Mindless-Fig7671
“NTA. And it was probably unintentional, but you saying ‘my’ daughter vs ‘our’ daughter even though you confirmed in the comments that he is the father of your first child as well, speaks volumes of the way he is as a parent.”
“You deserve better all around.” ~ ComfortablyLate7504
“The voluntary working weekends and not spending time with wife’s family sends red flags 🚩.”
“What are the chances he was planning on leaving a little after you took his daughter home to visit someone else for his birthday?”
“You’d think he was at his sister’s, his parents and sister think he’s headed home at a reasonable hour after you.”
“Either way he needs to step up as a parent, and not act like a child.”
“He should be pampering you for your birthday.” ~ archiangel
“His version of a family man is to provide the sperm and the paycheck and ‘peace out’ for everything else.”
“He wanted this baby and now he’s acting indifferent.”
“You need to find out why. NTA.” ~ babcock27
“He probably just wants to pose for perfect family pix while she does all the gruntwork.”
“OP, this is him.”
“This is how he will be after the baby comes.”
“With 2 kids things are going to be doubly difficult for you.”
“Forget the birthdays- think hard about if this is the life you want for yourself and your kids.”
“NTA. But it’s time to face facts and gun for practicalities.” ~ Calm-Management2211
“OP said she’s asked him to get stuff ready for their daughter’s nursery so my first thought was he ‘desperately wanted’ this child because he wanted a son and now he doesn’t have one so he’s completely disinterested.”
“The idea that he thinks it’s appropriate to get drunk and stoned when OP is now full term in her pregnancy is insane.”
“If she goes into labor he will be useless (which it sounds like OP is used to by now).”
NTA OP of course.” ~ Kheslo
“It’s not about getting drunk – for some reason, he is mentally out of this marriage and out of this pregnancy.”
“The reason should be detected – an affair, depression, feeling like a second best, problems at work, etc.”
“You never know.”
“But they have to talk openly.”
“Maybe OP is a single mother but she doesn’t know it yet.” ~ Polish_girl44
“I think he has emotionally left this relationship.”
“Too many red flags for things he is doing or has not done.”
“Sounds like his family is full of jerks.”
“I would start analyzing this situation and determine if it is worth staying in.”
“Don’t be a single parent in a marriage.” ~ Tired-DogMama-6262
OP responded…
“Plus he makes an excellent salary without the extra work.”
“He has always just been very financially motivated, so he just ‘likes the extra money.’”
“We don’t need it by any means.”
“I’ve told him recently he needs to cut back a bit so we can have more of a balance between home and work.”
“I know it makes him feel good to provide above and beyond in this way, and it’s usually not a big deal to me, but I did literally have to tell him specifically not to pick up the shifts the week before and OF my due date.”
Reddit continued…
“So, practical suggestion – hire a night Dula or night nanny.”
“Or some other form of help.”
“If his idea of supporting his family is being less present but making more money above and beyond a comfortable life, this is how he does it, not just a random number in the bank.”
“I have a lot of issues with his behavior.”
“That may be okay for some marriages, but it clearly isn’t for you.”
“At some point, he’s going to have to get that through his head or the marriage will not survive.”
“Having a second baby is HARD.”
“Make sure you have some support.”
“Good luck. NTA.” ~ miskwu
“I spent 20 years with a man like that.”
“He wouldn’t stop working.”
“I was basically a single mother.”
“20 years later we split up.”
“Now he works and parties every night.”
“Don’t waste your life.”
“He will not change.”
“Work is an excuse to run away from his responsibilities.”
“They think they want the family but they don’t want the responsibility that comes with it.”
“That’s why he is not there.”
“I was about that far into my pregnancy he went for a 2-week boot camp for a certification he didn’t need.”
“I mothered my children alone.” ~ WomanNotAGirl
“Did he even want a second kid?”
“You’re NTA here OP and it seems like it’s about more than just the birthday dinner.”
“You’re well within your rights to stay firm on this in my opinion, it sounds like he hasn’t been putting in anywhere near enough effort throughout your pregnancy.”
“You’re cooking a whole human and he’s absent and detached at best?”
“If he’s never home because of work I’d be questioning why enjoying a nice birthday with his wife and child isn’t a welcome idea to him.” ~ shield92pan
“Yep this sounds like a disengaged guy – likes the idea of kids as long as you do all the work and his life doesn’t have to change a bit.”
“Sounds like you are the issue holding him back from his life.”
“I hope things change for you but he doesn’t sound like a catch.”
“Sadly, this seems to happen in many marriages where one partner isn’t even truthful to themselves about what they really want.”
“Then they want to behave in a way that’s not really suitable given the responsibilities that they’ve taken on.”
“Then they can’t do what they want so in their mind they blame the other partner (instead of themselves ) and then the other partner becomes the problem.”
“Then they feel justified in behaving badly toward their partner.” ~ Artistic-Giraffe-866
“This is a tough one because I don’t think asking you to put your daughter to bed on his birthday so he can chill a bit longer at his sister’s after a family dinner is unreasonable.”
“But it sounds like you are continuously let down by his underwhelming involvement, so you’re keeping score and overreacting to this specific situation because of being fed up with a lot of valid issues.”
“But like, why are you having another kid with this guy?”
“I’m 99% sure this sort of stuff is nothing new, so you can either deal with it or decide you’re not gonna put up with it, but you don’t need Reddit to tell you if you’re TA.”
“Your husband is not going to change, but you’re NTA.” ~ CarrottBacon
“It’d be one thing for him to ‘stay and chill’ but it’s extremely inappropriate for him to stay out drinking and smoking while she’s 38 weeks pregnant.”
“She goes easily into labor and he’d be completely useless. NTA.” ~ Moon-Queen95
“Also since he plans on driving separately, he will more than likely be impaired by driving home.”
“This puts his decision-making in another tier of irresponsibility.”
“So yes she’s totally NTA, but her husband is on so many levels.” ~ TheRadHamster
“NTA because hubby sounds like a real peach.”
“I don’t know if his birthday is the day to die on that hill, especially if you guys don’t have plans.”
“It kind of sounds like he hasn’t really been showing up and this is just the cherry on top.”
“I just know in an argument he’s going to dismiss what you are saying today with ‘but it’s my birthday.’”
“My a** is so manipulative I would have let this one go just so my partner couldn’t use that excuse when I confronted him about not handling his business and being a father of two and a husband.”
“You and the baby don’t need this kind of stress.” ~ No_Jaguar67
“NTA. It’s time for him to grow up fully.”
“People get confused about this when they reach ages or milestones.”
“And for what it’s worth, most people I know who say they’re ‘family guys’ use it for clout.” ~ Ok-Standard8053
“NTA but it would be funny if you went into labor on his birthday.” ~ cindy3003
Your husband needs a wake-up call, OP.
It sounds like he needs a crash course on how to be a partner. Perhaps a quick visit to couples counseling would be helpful. He may need to hear what needs to be done by a professional.
You need time to prepare. He should be helping you. Good luck.