Being a good friend means not taking advantage of other's mistakes. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that.
People's relationships are more important than winning a tiny bit of money.
Redditor NightTrain915 encountered an issue with her friend. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to give back a book owner sold by mistake after I purchased it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29f) am an avid buyer of sales and being part of different social media where people sell used items."
"The old adage is 'One man's junk is another person's treasure.'"
"A lady who is also a friend places 20 books for sale for $5.00. I immediately reply to the post to purchase the books, and pick up the books from my friend for $5.00."
"Later that night, I receive a call from the lady that she accidentally sold her husband's first edition 'The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck' 1st printing. She tells me her husband is livid and it is creating marital discord with their marriage."
"I tell her that I will look into the situation and get back to her with an answer."
"I explained the situation to my parents and they said under no circumstance do I return the book. 'It is ethically and morally yours, and you have no obligation to return it.'"
"My husband disagreed with my parents and said it was an honest mistake and you will lose your friendship over $1000 book accidentally sold."
"I subsequently took my parent's advise, and kept the book, and she kept the $5.00."
"AITA for not returning the book and losing the friendships?"
"She subsequently threw me off her WhatsApp group of items people are selling, and can no longer buy on that platform."
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"YTA - You have every right to keep the book, but you're still an a**hole for doing it. Your friend made a mistake and you took advantage of her."
"You can be right and an asshole at the same time." ~ BeepBlipBlapBloop
"Check her post history. OP you need to learn that as a married 29 year old that it's not you and your parents anymore. It's you your husband and you child. Please seek out a therapist before you alienate your husband and to find the root of your bizarre behaviors." ~ friendlyfish29
"OP is consistently an a**hole. Goddamn, woman. Your moral code is all kinds of jacked up." ~ aurumphallus
"I just read her other posts and, for someone that believes in 'vibes, energy, and karma' she sure is hellbent on working up some bad karma for herself with this behavior."
"Hey OP - the bad energy you're sensing is you. You're the bad energy. And also YTA." ~ Elsewhere33
"I didn't have to check her post history to tell that. Even here she sought her parents' advise before talking to her husband. I had just assumed they were her closest relationship until I finished that sentence." ~ MarlonRando55
"TBH OP may not even have the right to keep the book, since it's the property of the husband and not the wife, so the wife had no right to sell it. If the husband wants he could probably take OP to small claims and win."
"Either way, OP is definitely YTA" ~ grumpypusheen
OP's friend made an honest mistake.
"I'm just hopping onto your comment to say that if this book is also first printing, that puts the value upwards of around $1200 USD."
"If it is an illustrated version, we're talking potentially $5000 plus. I'm not a Steinbeck gal, but from taking a peek it also seems that certain rare editions can go for upwards of $10,000 depending on condition." ~ kittydeathdrop
"Technically she doesn't have 'every right.' If the owner of the book was mad enough he could report it stolen and then OP is in possession of stolen property. Since OP knows it was taken without permission that could put them in hot water. OP is definitely the asshole and may not have 'every right' as you suggest." ~ TheMysticalBaconTree
"It's muddy waters depending on the state, being married gives joint possession." ~ sunshineANDrainbowsg
"Yeah this is a super complex legal topic. There are often exceptions that can be made even in jurisdictions where the law appears to be firmly on one side or the other if you know the technicalities of local case law."
"However, there are probably no jurisdictions where the judge would neglect to inform the OP that they are YTA before ruling on the case." ~ TheBabyEatingDingo
OP should return the book.
"YTA. It wasn't even her book to sell. Your parents are greedy AF, btw." ~ better_IRL_I_swear
"Remember, the parents told the daughter 'it is ETHICALLY and MORALLY yours.'"
"I'm not sure what kind of moral compass they have or they use a totally different dictionary to look up what ethically and morally mean. Legally, yes. Ethically and morally, no." ~ charliesk9unit
"They also went to OPs daughters daycare to demand refund for a month after several days due to a failed (and corrected) inspection despite contract explicitly stating nonrefundable and it being common for daycares to never refund due to the nature of their business." ~ MissElision
"YTA. you are a MAJOR AH. This was a mistake, one she quickly tried to rectify. You got TWENTY books for $5. You're already coming out on top of this. The book clearly means a lot to her husband, and the fact that she TOLD you this is causing a problem in her marriage and don't care speaks volumes about you."
"People make mistakes. What you're doing is intentionally being obtuse. There's no way you DONT know you're the AH here. Your parents gave you really bad, selfish advice tbh. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if you accidentally gave away something of importance to your husband, he got incredibly upset with you and lost trust in you, and when you attempted to get it back you were told 'nah, it's mine now?'"
"EDIT: I didn't read her other posts before I left my judgement. Clearly putting herself in those shoes won't be effective. Hopefully her self proclaimed belief in Karma will?" ~ justlemmeread
OP should put herself in her friend's shoes.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.