When the person you're dating is someone you'd like to introduce to your parents, it's a good indication the relationship is headed in a positive direction.
But when it comes to meeting the parents, there is a time and place–a standard propriety that was lost on Redditor FamGFServer.
He is a 24-year-old male who has been with his 26-year-old girlfriend for several months.
Because she had not met his parents yet, he thought it was time to change things.
But when things didn't go as he'd hoped, he visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for bringing my entire family to the restaurant where my girlfriend was working as a server in order to meet her?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have been dating my girlfriend for several months. She works as a server at a local, popular restaurant."
"My family has been for a few weeks now asking to meet her. I have two older sisters (31 and 27) as well as three nieces and mother and father who are both in their late fifties."
"My girlfriend doesn't have a good relationship with her own parents and has expressed envy over me having a good relationship with mine. I've asked her a few times to come with me to meet my family but she's always had an excuse why she couldn't."
"So, anyway, last weekend I brought my whole family (my parents as well as my sisters and their husbands and their kids) to her restaurant. I requested a table in her section."
"When she saw us I could tell that she was taken aback but she did her job well and even took the time to talk to us all and get to know my parents, sisters, brothers-in-law, and nieces as well as she could while still doing her job and taking care of her other customers."
"Upon leaving my entire family expressed that they really liked her, that I was lucky, and that they were glad to have met her. They also left her a HUGE tip. I thought the whole thing was fine."
"However, after she got off her shift my girlfriend texted me and said 'Thanks a lot, you jacka**.' I called her and she went off on me about how I shouldn't have blindsided her by bringing my whole family and how she should have had the chance to meet my family on her terms."
"I responded that she didn't seem to want to meet my family whenever I brought it up so that if it were to ever happen this was the way I'd figured out. But she said that what I did was wrong and that she had to give my family special attention at the expense of her other tables, which I think wasn't true."
"Maybe I shouldn't have sprung my whole family on her in the way I did. But it went well, and I am kind of annoyed that she can't see that."
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
A majority of Redditors did not look upon the OP favorably after what he did.
Some who were even less forgiving unloaded on him for making an important decision unilaterally.
"YTA. She clearly wasn't ready to meet them, and instead of respecting that you trampled all over it and brought them into her WORK (where she quite literally has no choice but to be as respectful and polite as possible) and forced an interaction on her."
"There is no 'maybe' you shouldn't have done that, you absolutely shouldn't have." – Kokbiel
"OP YTA omfg. JFC, u/famgfserver. Let me count the ways. I really want you to see this."
"Most people don't want to be bothered at work. Esp when it's the first time meeting the family?"
"Her job is to SERVE guests. I'd be grossed out if my bf forced me to serve his entire family, esp if it's the first time we're meeting."
"You're acting like the ~HUGE~ tip they gave her should make it all better. Or like she should be grateful somehow? This is so yucky. Like 'hey I really didn't appreciate how you blindsided me at work today.' 'But baaabe my parents gave you a lot of money.' This is making my skin crawl."
"Meeting the family is a big deal! You sprang this on her."
"You took away her opportunity to have any say in the situation. She seemed hesitant so you FORCED her to do it. At her own job. Where she can't leave. And where she is forced to SERVE you."
"You could tell she wasn't ready or didn't want to yet so you FORCED her to. She probably didn't want your family at her place of work and she certainly didn't want that to be the first time she meets EVERYBODY."
"She should have had a say in the meeting. She was so unprepared and it's just f'ked up that you WANTED IT that way. You wanted her to be unprepared so she couldn't say no again. Thats sick. That's honestly so f'ked up."
"You brought EVERYBODY. She had 5o meet your entire daily for the first time all at once. That is so overwhelming especially for someone who didn't even want to meet your parents yet. And you made her manage a 10 top with no warning."
"It's so conniving, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and so on, to PLAN to do something against your SO's wishes because YOU want it to happen. You literally constructed this whole situation so she COULD NOT SAY NO. Do you see how sick that is?? That is so f'ked up."
"How did you really expect this to go? Seriously? Did you at any point consider your gf's feelings? I mean beyond thinking her hesitancy was an obstacle for you to bulldoze."
"I would break up with you over this. 100%. This is appalling behavior. No doubt I would be GONE if someone did this to me." – basilobs
"YTA. You blindsided her without even a heads up about them showing up at the restaurant. She was at work and would have had to have had her game face on regardless. You disregarded her feelings here and were only thinking about your own."
"If she had worked in an office would you have brought them all in? Of course not. Just because it's a restaurant doesn't mean it's not a place of employment. She wouldn't have been able to mentally prepare, or wear the clothes she wanted, or even make a first impression on on her terms."
"You owe her an apology." – walnutwithteeth
"YTA. You knew damn well that she's either not ready to meet your family or didn't want to, yet you forced her into it by bringing them to her job, where she can't just walk out. That sounds deliberate, if you ask me."
"Also, 'Meeting' someone is supposed to be a sit-down setting where they can talk and get to know each other. Not when she's working, distracted and busy serving you food. It 'went well' because it was her job to make customers feel welcomed. So it only 'went well' for you."
"Her going out of her way to talk to your family in the middle of a shift was definitely at risk of getting herself into trouble, all because some inconsiderate AH lacks of basic social cues." – Castyourspellswisely
"YTA. As a former server, it's already slightly annoying when people come in that you know because they feel a little entitled to special attention."
"I can't imagine the pressure and stress of meeting a boyfriend's family for the first time while juggling other tables. There's also a thousand things to think about at once as a server, and you just added a whole bunch of social/emotional stress to her shift."
"You demonstrated absolutely no consideration for the position you were putting her in." – CompetitiveYoung9
"YTA. The update'll be that she dumped you and that you're surprised."
"She's right, you've blindsided her with something that she's having difficulty coping with. Instead of easing her into another possible meeting scenario (offering only meeting one of your sisters at a time, for example, and respecting whatever decision she made), you show up with your whole family at her place of work."
"So not only are you ignoring her opinions, but you're also putting her on a tough time at work."
"Please update us that she broke up with you." – JessicaJones2
"People with money I swear. Man can't imagine what it would be like to have to /serve/ you SO's family and that's the context they MEET you in. I hate serving my friends without them warning me, like it's just so awkward and sometimes if my section was busy I don't have /time/ to give you the attention it takes to be a normal person and not in customer service mode."
"Op has clearly never worked as a server and even worse can't understand why bombarding your SO who clearly has a lot of family stuff to deal with with your whole family who she is admittedly /envious/ of and may already feel like she's inadequate, and then have to /serve/ them? Jesus Christ."
"Yes it went well because she's a goddamn professional, not because that was ok." – mypuzzleaddiction
Overall, Redditors empathized with and supported the OP's girlfriend while they remained livid over the OP's audacity in thinking that bringing his whole family to her place of work was completely out of line and a decision that was out of touch.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.