By the time we become adults, there’s no doubt that we’ve all been through some things, whether it was an important relationship or friendship ending, an accident, or something darker.
It’s important for us to acknowledge what has happened and what we’re feeling, so we can heal and move on from what happened, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Since being in a car accident, Redditor aitagfnotdriving had not been able to ride in a car when a woman was driving, and so far therapy had not helped.
But with his girlfriend becoming increasingly frustrated from the situation, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong for having the expectations he had.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting to be driven around by women including my girlfriend?”
The OP had specific demands in the car after an accident.
“When I (27 Mače) was a kid, I had a traumatic experience and was in an accident on the school bus which was being driven by a lady.”
“Though the driver who was at fault was a man, since then, I have always had a phobia of being a passenger in a vehicle that is driven by a woman.”
The family even accommodated the OP’s demands.
“My mom did not drive, and even when my older sister learned to drive, I refused to drive with her, even though my other siblings did.”
“I have my license but not a car, and when I take public transit, I also take the next bus if a woman is driving.”
“This is a phobia and I do not think women should not drive or anything.”
But this arrangement was causing problems with the OP’s girlfriend.
“Recently, my girlfriend and I moved in together, and she has a car. She is really upset with me as, whenever we go out together, I insist on driving her car.”
“She says it feels like I am misogynistic when it is just a phobia.”
“I said I would be okay taking public transit, and she can drive her car, and we could travel separately, but she thinks that is not a solution and that I should ‘get over it.'”
“But it is not like I am telling her she cannot drive, and I apply this rule to everyone, even when it inconveniences me. I told her she was free to ask my family about my past.”
“AITA here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to seek out therapy instead of what he was doing.
“YTA. Do you know what the answer to trauma is? Therapy!!! Instead of dealing with your problems, you’ve resorted to blatant sexism.”
“Plus, you don’t even have a car, but you put down your girlfriend’s driving? Grow up, buy your own car, and (just to reiterate) THERAPY!!!” – thing_m_bob_esquire
“YTA. I understand that you could have trauma from the school bus accident, but you have had years to seek some sort of resolution or therapy. I was in a car accident that had a fatality, and the car was driven by a male. Yet I still am able to get into a car with a male driver.”
“Your position indicates that all women are bad drivers, and we both know that isn’t true. Get therapy.” – PuzzleheadedAd9782
“YTA. YTA to yourself, and as a direct result, to other people. You’re in your own way preventing yourself from making solid relationships by not addressing your phobia.”
“This isn’t something that ‘isn’t a big deal’ or that you can work around. You yourself said you don’t have a car and take the next bus if it’s a female driver. How does that work with work and appointments? You really can’t be that reliable with that, can you?”
“Definitely get therapy, man, definitely therapy. Put in the work, and you’ll be much happier. As will your SO (significant other).” – Big-Membership6612
“You need therapy. Not stating this meanly, genuinely. Therapy helps with flashbacks. I was T-boned by a giant Ford truck. I will never drive just a car again. SUV or bigger, for me. I know the financial cost of my accident. Go to therapy.” – joljenni1717
“YTA for not getting therapy to address this issue.”
“You’re only hurting yourself by not addressing this.”
“If you have a daughter, will you refuse to teach her how to drive?”
“If you and your girlfriend get married and you’re ill or hurt, she can’t drive you?”
“You’re harming yourself, and you’re also hurting the women around you. It’s okay to have an irrational phobia. You can’t help it. But you can get help.” – DoraTheUrbanExplorer
“I mean, at this point, yes YTA. You are now 27. Are you going to never get in a car with a woman your whole life? That’s not really realistic. You need therapy.”
“Also, you’d better be paying your girlfriend the increase in her insurance and for gas if you are the only one driving her car.” – OverRice2524
“The accident was the cause, but something in the op’s background added a misogynistic filter on it to blame it on the driver’s gender and not something else.”
“OP, YTA, and it’s time to unpack this in therapy. You know it’s not correct and irrational, but it’s worth exploring deeper and getting this addressed.”
“You are denying your girlfriend agency and causing what will eventually be a major inconvenience.” – AdviceMoist6152
“There is no way that you can go through life where your refusal to be in a vehicle driven by a woman will be taken as anything other than disrespectful misogyny, no matter how you might try to explain it, because how you try to explain it would be exactly how a disrespectful misogynist might try to explain his refusal.”
“Thus, I think it is incumbent upon you to work through this trauma. You seem to be quite complacent about it though, so I think YTA.”
“This isn’t just a fact about you that cannot be changed. Your girlfriend might be tactless in saying you should get over it, but, well… you need to work to get over it. She shouldn’t have to settle for being driven around by you when you go somewhere together. So this refusal of yours is putting a burden on her, which you don’t seem to recognize.”
“You don’t say anything about the effects of the phobia. What would happen to you if you were driven by a woman? If that has not happened for a very long time, then how do you know what the effect is? Perhaps you would have a full-scale panic attack–which would be one thing. But perhaps you would just feel scared, which would be quite another. If it’s just feelings of fear, then definitely YTA.”
“It is very odd that the phobia attaches to women driving vehicles, rather than to the type of vehicle in question. Surely riding in a bus is more like the original accident than riding in a car with your girlfriend?”
“Phobias aren’t rational, of course, but it is very strange that the gender of the person driving is what you have got stuck on. I doubt that you have pushed yourself to think through that enough. If you need therapy to work through it, then it is incumbent upon you to get therapy. You cannot expect the women in your life to settle for being treated in this way.” – BapeTikoSwatty
Others were convinced the OP was just blatantly sexist, though.
“Are you serious?! There are a LOT of women driving buses and trains where I live. Maybe you have a phobia, but it reeks of sexism at this point.”
“YTA.” – aikichick
“YTA. You’re extremely sexist and need therapy, OP. You want to take her car and drive her car all over this school bus accident. That car is her property.”
“From your logic, when my foot was run over by a man riding a bike, therefore men should never be able to ride bikes ever again because of that? What the h**l? If the driver of the bus was a man, would you have this same mindset?” – JediBoJediPrime29
“You tried therapy as a child, it didn’t work, and you just said… well, that’s that then!”
“It seems like you’ll do everything BUT get therapy. Suspicious.” – prairieislander
“From one of your comments: a MAN caused the accident years ago, but because a woman was driving the school bus, you’re now blaming women for being bad drivers?”
“Dude. If that’s not misogyny, I don’t know what is.”
“YTA. Be better.” – Beck2010
“I’m going to go with YTA here.”
“I understand that you have a trauma reaction, but you’ve had 20± years to get treatment/therapy for that. At this point, you’re just being sexist.” – strangespecies
“It may be a phobia, but it is also misogynistic. I get where the root is, but well over a decade has passed, and it’s time to get help for it.” – discordany
“On some level, his brain attributed the reason for the crash to her being a woman. Why would he have latched onto that particular detail if he didn’t, at some level, blame her gender for it? He was a child then, so I wouldn’t say he was to blame, but not doing some introspection or therapy by now to realize the misogynistic roots of the issue is a bit suspect.” – rachaek
“YTA. It’s her car. You don’t own one. Your so-called phobia of being driven by a woman is inconveniencing her.”
“Anyway, women are 50% of the population – this is not a phobia that you can easily accommodate without inconveniencing anyone, now that you have a girlfriend who owns a car and you do not own your own car. Get therapy and deal with this silly misogyny.”
“Or get your own car and only date women who don’t drive.” – Strawberry338338
While the subReddit could empathize with the accident the OP had been through and the trauma he was experiencing, at some point, the OP needed to take responsibility and go through therapy to process what had happened rather than externalizing his accountability forever.