*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.
When one experiences something traumatic, the painful memory stays with them despite their intentions of moving on.
Recently, a man was asked to revisit his trauma with a request disguised as a favor, which didn’t sit well with him.
When the discussion caused further distress, he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Any_Reality580 asked:
“AITA for refusing to sing at my brother’s wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
My (28 M[ale]) brother (33 M[ale]) will be getting married in the fall. The two of us are fairly close, more so in the past few years, which is to say that he is not ignorant about past events in my life.”
“Recently, I got invited to dinner by him and his fiancée. The two were very obviously buttering me up to ask me something the whole time before my brother finally told me:”
‘So, [fiancée] and I have been talking, and we’d really love it if you sang our first dance song, just the one song. I know you don’t really sing anymore, but I dug up some old videos of you singing and she loves your voice just as much as I do. This could be your wedding present to us!”
The OP continued with some context.
“For background: I used to sing all the time. I formed a band with a bunch of my friends in high school, and we were very minorly successful. We had a YouTube channel with a few hundred subscribers, and there were a handful of people that had their own recordings that were posted to their own pages.”
“In this band was my best friend since second grade, Mason (not real name). Unfortunately, when we were 17, Mason took his own life. Additionally, I was the one who found him.”
“The band dissolved almost immediately, and our YouTube channel and all our own videos were taken down. Since then, I have NEVER sang. Singing without Mason felt wrong, so I didn’t. Not in the shower, no karaoke sessions, not at church, never.”
“My brother knew all of this, but I wasn’t sure if his fiancée did, so I started off with ‘Sorry, I’ll have to refuse. You know I don’t sing anymore’ in the interest of not totally ruining dinner.”
“My brother was annoyed as hell at this. ‘Come on, it’s for my wedding, it’s just one song, I’m not asking for much here’ and so forth.”
The brother remained to be persistent and was joined by another family member to add pressure.
“I continued to politely refuse and left soon after. Shortly after, I start receiving countless calls from my mom, who also knows the reason why and decided to harass me about not singing. ‘It’s your brother’s wedding! I think you really should see a therapist about this, we all love your singing voice and it’s been 10 years since any of us got to hear it!’ “
“The two have since decided on a new tactic by saying that my song will be a good way to honor Mason’s memory.”
“The point about therapy aside (I’ve been to lots of it. I’m at peace with my decision to stop singing) AITA for refusing? It’s clearly important to them.”
“EDIT: To clarify, I have really only ever performed with Mason. The joy I got from performing was not the act of singing itself, but from performing with my best friend.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“It’s your voice and your choice. Your brother, mother and, more than likely your brother’s fiance, know why you no longer sing. Just because it’s a wedding doesn’t mean you must revisit your trauma. NTA.” – Bigstachedad
“NTA. Your mom and brother should see a therapist.”
“As usual, wedding planning turns (some) people into monsters.” – Winternin
“Your brother knows the pain tied to your singing and is still trying to guilt you into performing. Honoring Mason’s memory isn’t about reopening your wounds for someone else’s convenience it’s about your own healing and choices. NTA” – CarmenLuxury
“The fact that they are using the friends memory to try and force them is beyond the pale: like WTF! Who uses the memory of a dead friend to manipulate someone into doing what they want?! “
“NTA OP – huge NTA!” – bored-panda55
“If they were trying to encourage you for altruistic reasons then I might have more sympathy for them. But they just want you to sing at their wedding for their own selfish satisfaction. How sad that they won’t take the first ‘no’ as your answer.”
“By hounding you to do it they are showing you that your feelings and trauma mean little to them. I would refuse to talk to them about it any more and walk away if they continue. You deserve better.” – ShaHocks
“NTA. Lost my best friend like that when she was 15, I was 16, now it’s gonna have been 9 years this year and I don’t care how long it’s been, it still hurts and will hurt forever. The way you grieve is up to YOU.”
“Don’t let them do something that might make you feel like sh*t just because they want you to, because THEY think you should not be grieving anymore.” – ProfessionalKnown935
“OP, I get it. I used to sing with a group and performed at weddings when asked, but after I lost one of my parents… singing doesn’t bring me the same joy, and often makes me cry. Preparing to perform at a wedding takes a lot of work and non-performers don’t really get that…”
“They aren’t entitled to your voice, which is such a personal and emotional instrument (for lack of a better word!). If you ever decide to sing again it will be for you, and maybe to remember your friend. Not because you were bullied into it.” – moldyturnips
“NTA.”
“To brother: ‘You’re actually asking for a lot. You’re asking me to relive trauma, and that’s never okay to ask of anyone. Regardless, though, no means no. I will not be discussing this further.’ ”
“To mom: ‘I’m sorry Brother involved you in this, but it has nothing to do with you. I will not be discussing this with you or anyone else anymore.’ ”
“This is an extremely personal decision for you. It’s fine that he asked. It’s not fine that he’s pushing it, involving others and demanding it.” – Disastrous-Nail-640
“NTA but your family is. I’d be tempted to turn his wedding into a memorial for Mason with slide show of Mason and the band and sing something like Hallelujah. But I’m petty like that. I get triggered by wedding requests. People get over yourselves and your weddings.” – SometimesKips
“Absolutely NTA. I play guitar, and one of my best friends in high school was an amazing drummer…like at 16 he was drumming along to La Villa Strangiato by Rush and not missing a single beat, he was that good. As is usually the case, after graduating, the years took their toll and we lost contact.”
“One day I got a text from a mutual friend that he was killed in a car accident; I wasn’t able to touch, let alone look at a guitar for months…hell, to this day I still can’t listen to King Diamond or Mercyful Fate without thinking about him and wishing I were a better friend.”
“There’s no time limit on grief and pain. I’d tell all of those selfish, insensitive f*cks off and go ridiculously low contact with them trying to bully you into doing something you don’t have the heart to do anymore…the balls on them to try and spin it as a tribute to your friend… absolutely f’king vile.” – thebaronobeefdip
“NTA they need to accept you answer and stop harassing you. Have you tried to talk to the fiance and explain why you don’t sing anymore? I know she is not entitled to know this information about you but maybe it’ll help get your brother to stop harassing you if his fiance is actually nice and compassionate.” – Crafty_Special_7052
“First, absolutely NTA for not singing, and it clearly wouldn’t be just one song, it would be all the practices that came before it as well, so maybe one song, but twenty times. That said, maybe therapy is in order.”
“I doubt Mason would have wanted to silence your voice for a decade because of him. I really doubt that your brother and Mom actually care about you singing at his wedding as much as they just want you to sing again. There is no time limit on grief, but if I was your parent, it would cause me pain to see a part of you die so completely.”
“By burying your song, you bury all the good times you had with Mason as well. Tell your brother no, but maybe consider putting the window down and singing your grief to the wind.” – Minute_Point_949
Overall, Redditors thought the OP’s family was being completely insensitive to him by continuing to press the issue and later twisting the request to encourage him to sing in his late friend’s honor.
There are no time limits when dealing with grief, and Redditors thought it was the OP’s prerogative to prioritize his mental health above doing a favor for the sake of a celebration.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/