A Redditor who comes from a family in which celebrating birthdays is a huge deal wanted to do something special for their boyfriend's special day.
The boyfriend, however, isn't particularly keen on recognizing his own birthday for a personal reason.
So when the Redditor's good intentions turned sour, they turned to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for throwing my boyfriend a surprise party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained why the boyfriend doesn't like celebrating his own birthday.
"My bf and I have been together for 3 years and we have never celebrated his birthday. The reason is that his parents sadly passed away on the day he turned 5 so he basically hates his birthdays."
"So every year when that day comes around he gets into a depressive mood and stays in his bed all day. It's very sad to watch. (Oddly enough he doesn't have a problem attending other people's birthdays. And he threw amazing parties for me in the past)."
"The issue is that birthdays are a huge deal in my family. We love to go all out and create amazing memories. It's a tradition of ours and it's something I love to do, for my boyfriend as well."
"I understand that his bday is tied to a deeply traumatic event however I decided it's time to replace those memories. My goal was to create happy memories on his special day and what better way than throwing a beautiful party, right?"
"My mom thought this was a great idea as well."
"So last week I threw him a surprise party, complete with gorgeous decorations, gifts and tons of great people. I put in so much effort and with the help of my friends really outdid myself. I was so excited for his reaction."
"It was awful. He basically turned up and left as soon as we started singing happy birthday. He wasn't even there for a full minute."
"I followed him out to encourage him to stay but he got physically sick and literally threw up behind a bush."
"Him disappearing and not even attending his own party was mortifying and made me look like a fool in front of everyone. We still partied but I was very hurt by his actions so it ruined the mood."
"The next morning we had a massive argument. It was really bad and he legit spent the rest of the day ignoring me which is something he NEVER does."
"Afterwards he decided to spent a couple of nights at his friend's house. I actually spoke with said friend and that didn't go well either (he literally scolded me wtf)."
"I just wanted to do something that I thought would cheer him up. So AITA?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many of the comments did not favor the OP.
"YTA. The party was so traumatic for him that it made him physically sick and you only seemed to care about how it looked that he didn't stay." - Kore888
"YTA. It's his choice if he wants to celebrate his birthday, and if he wants to create new memories. You don't get to decide that for him."
"Also, surprise parties aren't for everyone even without the trauma he has. I would HATE if my SO threw me a surprise party. Why is his birthday about what YOU want and enjoy? You sound selfish." – Sacdiv
"YTA. His birthdays should be about him and what he wants."
"Don't force your ways on someone if it's not what they want or asked for. You were selfish and just wanted to do what you pleased." – IHaveSaidMyPiece
"YTA. You got really carried away with playing the attention grabbing part of loving girlfriend and didn't consider how this would make him feel, like even a little bit."
"And you still only care about how it made YOU look to your friends. Yuck. And then you PARTIED after seeing his reaction? What the f'k?"
"Why didn't you just start with something small, like maybe cooking him dinner at home and a cupcake or something?" - drunkonmartinis
"YTA. You KNEW he didn't want to celebrate his birthday so you went all out on a party because YOU like birthday parties."
"You owe him a big apology." – anonnon234234
"YTA everyone grieves differently and you flat out denied him his day to grieve by doing something he didn't ask for. Putting him on the spot like that on the day he mourns the loss of his parents was so disrespectful."
"You didn't throw the party for HIM. You threw it for YOU. You keep mentioning how YOU felt. YOU feel sad watching him being depressed on his birthday. YOU were mortified. You claim he made YOU look like a fool."
"How do you think HE felt? His sadness and grief isn't about you. It isn't about how you feel. Instead of trying to make this day all about you and your feelings and making it a spectacle, you should've spent the day with him asking about his parents, what he remembers, what they were like, asking HIM how HE would like to spend the day." – sylance9
"YTA. You can't 'replace' bad memories. All this did was show your boyfriend that your feelings matter more than his do." – shyfidelity
"YTA His parents died on his birthday and all you cared was about partying! Because it is so important in YOUR family. And you even kept the party going when your bf threw up and left! WTF?!"
"And your only worry sas how strange it is to party without the birthday-boy?! Not one worry about him? You really are a horrible gf who just thinks about herself. I hope he breaks up with you." – Acceptable-Abalone20
"YTA are you concerned that you hurt him, or that you were embarrassed in front of all your friends? Because it kind of sounds like the latter. You don't get to decide when or how to change his memories or work through his trauma."
"That's up to him, and him alone, and you should have respected that. Instead you made his pain worse." - Sacdiv
Overall, Redditors continued admonishing the OP for not taking into consideration the boyfriend's feelings and continuing to celebrate anyway after seeing how much the party made him physically ill.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.