Each of us has our own perspective on privacy and how much information we're willing to share with other people.
It's really hard to maintain a relationship with someone who refuses to respect someone's preferred privacy.
One mom wouldn't come to terms with that, unfortunately, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Lxqe was tired of having to ask his mother to not share his medical information on social media.
But when she didn't take this feedback well, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to do about his mother.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for asking my mom to stop posting me being in the hospital on Facebook?"
The OP was private about his surgeries.
"I have a burnt arm, I'm embarrassed by it, and I hate people knowing about it."
"I got burned when I was 9 months old and have had surgeries on it since I was a kid. Ever since I was 10, I hated my mom posting about it on Facebook, so I've been asking for 8 years now for her to stop doing it (I'm a high school senior now)."
The OP called his mom out recently.
"Today I blew up when I found out she did it AGAIN (she does it every single time I have surgery or go to the hospital)."
"She just smiled and said, 'Haha, yeah I did.'"
"I started telling her that I don't like it and to stop."
"Her only response was, 'Ohhh, if you don't like it, I shouldn't do it right. It's whateverrrr you want; it's never about me.'"
The OP's mom did not take this well.
"It just made me even more mad because my surgeries are about me, not her, and I would like to keep it private."
"But she doesn't care. She doesn't apologize, and when she does, she screams, 'I'm sooooo f**king sorry for posting about you.'"
"After we argued, I got out of the car and slammed the front door, and she got really mad."
"AITA for getting mad at her for posting me on her Facebook after I've asked her to stop for 8 years?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was right to speak out against his mother.
"She doesn't have to agree with you or like it. She just has to either agree to respect your boundaries, or you need to strictly enforce those boundaries unless and until she agrees to respect you."
"And you need to ignore her tantrums. She throws these fits because, so far, it always works: you give her what she wants. You have to ignore her in order to render that tactic ineffective." - annang
"That day down the road once you've moved out and on to start your adult life, and she's wondering why you never or rarely contact her, tell her to remember all of these attention-seeking FB posts she sneered at you over."
"Explain that she can either stop now and respect your wishes, or deal with the consequences later. NTA." - GeekyStitcher
"I would tell her the following:"
"'Mom, I'm a person with their own personal preferences to what I would like shared with the world. I understand that you are part of this experience helping me through, but I have asked you for over 8 years if you could do this one thing for me. It's not hard to respect my privacy, so can you please stop posting my progress on social media?'"
"If she fights, or continues... Ignore her. Start reporting the photos, I'm not 100% on Facebook's rules, but I'm pretty sure you can report a picture that has you in it to be taken down."
"Take what steps you need towards removing her from access of the parts of your life you don't want her to." - fieleamcknight
"When she says, 'Oh, if you didn't like it, I shouldn't do it cause it's never about me,' ask her exactly how YOUR surgeries are about her?"
"I can guess the answer, although I doubt she'll say it.... she gets sympathy from everyone on Facebook. 'ANOTHER operation? Honestly, I don't know how you cope' and so on."
"As someone who's had 44 operations, I know about this crap. Somehow, they were more about my mother than me, till I put a stop to it."
"It's YOUR body being operated on, and who you want to know about it, and how, is entirely up to you. She's invading your privacy, and worse, putting intimate details of your life on Facebook!"
"It's NOT about her, unless she's going to plunge her arm into lava and deal with the resulting issues. If she's not willing to do that, then she needs to back the f**k off." - SassyDivaAunt
Others agreed and recommended the OP comment on his mother's posts.
"You should write under one of her posts, 'Mom I love you but I've asked you countless times to stop sharing my personal information on Facebook, please stop doing it.' See if a little public shaming gets the message across." - CymruB
"How about point out the negligence that resulted in you being so severely burnt at 9 months old - to everyone on her Facebook posts."
"She might actually shut up about it then."
"NTA" - ScaredMembership6542
"Each time, reply something along the lines of:"
"'I've asked you, repeatedly, not to post pictures of my health issues. Yet once again, you ignore my privacy and wishes. This is disappointing and does not show motherly care or love. You've let me down again. I hope you're proud of yourself.'"
"If she ignores you in private, then you have no other recourse to make it hard for her to ignore you in public." - Once-And-Future
"This may be a solution you are not comfortable with but since she doesn't understand boundaries maybe, you can appeal to her community/network."
"Maybe comment or repost with your side of the story? If you out how terrible all of this is, maybe she will stop. At the very least people will know you're not consenting to this info being shared."
"Say, 'I have repeatedly asked my mother to not share the extremely personal details of my illness so publicly and she refuses to do so. I am a private person and would prefer to heal on my own. While I appreciate the support from my community, I am requesting that you ignore these posts because they are deeply harmful to my mental health as I recover from surgery'" - Treehuggingorange
"NTA"
"Respond to one of her posts publically, 'Mom, I've asked you in private dozens of times to stop posting my medical information on social media. It's without my consent or approval. Please delete this post to give me my privacy.'"
"Keep doing it every time she posts. She will either stop or lose face." - GoddessofOddness
Some said the OP should act out against his mother in other ways.
"You can't with narcissists. It's a losing battle. Why not start fighting fire with fire?"
"Make an announcement on Facebook and say, 'My mom thinks she can take pictures of me whenever she pleases despite me telling her nicely to stop. Guess the only way she will understand is if I do the same. Here goes.'"
"Then start taking pictures of what she looks like first thing in the morning with no makeup, pictures of her cleaning the toilet, pictures of her with her hand inside a chicken, pigging out while watching tv, etc."
"Just do it constantly and when she says to stop, go, 'Ohhh, if you don't like it, I shouldn't do it, right, whateverrrr you want, it's never about me.'" - empanadaparty1
"Post on Facebook every time she takes a s**t. If possible describe noises and smells. Claim you're doing it cause you're worried about her health."
"This is probably bad advice, but I'd do it." - Sapper12D
"You might have to find something she's insecure about or doesn't want to be shared, and then make a bunch of posts about that thing on Facebook. Some people are too dense to understand why something bothers you until you do it to them." - djternan
"NTA. It's sad your mom doesn't get it. Try the opposite, tell her:"
"'Sure mom, go ahead post everything about my life on FB, go through my phone and my room. Obviously you still see me as a small child and you don't care about my feelings or my privacy."
"'I'm sure it can't be that you don't love me, because, if you did, surely my mental and emotional well-being would be first and foremost in your mind.'"
"'So it must be that you have a hearing problem. I love you mom, but you might want to make an appointment to get your hearing checked because obviously, you don't hear very well.'"
"I must have told you a million times that I don't want you to post on FB about my surgeries, that it makes me extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable but yet, that doesn't bother you, you still go ahead and go against my wishes.'"
"'If you still don't understand, don't worry, I will simply block on my Facebook account, I will get a new phone number, and put a password on my phone, so you can't read what should be my private conversations.'"
"'If you still insist on going through my room uninvited, I will happily reciprocate by going into your room on a daily basis, and searching through your drawers, going through your closet, looking under your bed, and rifling through your things.'"
"'After all, what is a good daughter to do? Ouuu I wonder what goodies I will find? Love you mom.'" - whiterose3hearts
Though the teen wasn't sure what else to do after repeatedly being shut down and ignored by his mother, the subReddit insisted he continues to contest his rights to privacy. Based on the comments section, the teen's mother was posting on social media, and searching through his phone and room, as well.
An 18-year-old who could be ready to move out of the house at any time deserves much more privacy than that, and even a child would deserve to hear their voice heard if they didn't want to appear on social media.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp