When one half of a relationship is far more goal-oriented than the other, some troublesome dynamics may arise.
The different speeds and expectations can lead to plenty of friction.
A recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit illustrated one form that can take.
The Original Poster (OP), known anonymously as throwRAtiredafwife on the site, explained what put her over the edge right in the post’s title.
OP was pushed to post out of desperation.
“I am not sure how to do this or if this is the right community. I would like some objective third party I put for my current situation as I am at a loss.”
“Sorry if the layout of this off I am on mobile”
She began with a brief history of the relationship.
“History: My husband [28-year-old male] and I [27-year-old female] have been married about 4 years now.”
“We dated in college and got married after. He finished college with a finance degree and thought he would go into accounting.”
One dynamic has been especially noteworthy.
“Well he quickly found out that was not his passion. So he bounced around jobs and ideas (business, teacher, lawyer) but nothing really kept him saying this is what I want to do.”
“This was pre COVID. Since COVID he has not attempted anything he says after the pandemic there will be a boom in jobs and he can find something that he’s passionate about.”
“I have been working full time and thankfully my job became remote and pays the bills while keeping food on the table.”
OP, on the other hand, has more certainty.
“Incident in Question: After the fiscal year closed my work had done really well. We sell medical testing equipment so it was a big product of 2020.”
“I was given a promotion I got a little pay raise and a small bonus.”
“I was really excited because I could finally repair my purse and replace my shoes. (My friends puppy destroyed but I acknowledge I should not have left my purse on a low stool in front of the puppies bed. So my fault)”
When she shared the news she got a surprising response.
“I was so excited to tell my husband but he seemed more excited than me over this promotion.”
“He started going off how he could redo his game area and get the new systems since he was tired of his others and I was dumbfounded.”
“I got really quiet because I almost could not believe what he was saying.”
It only became worse from there.
“He eventually goes out and gets himself a new system, chair, and mouse. He had basically spent my bonus.”
“I was so upset and ultimately hurt and numb.”
“We ended up getting into an argument and he called me selfish for not being happy that he got to achieve his dream and i am spoiled for being upset I couldn’t spend this money on me first.”
“I basically called him an ungrateful a**hole and asked why does he deserve new stuff when I have been providing.”
That led to a serious spat.
“He got really quiet on that one and stormed out saying he would be staying with his family (only about and hour away)”
“I have been getting angry calls and texts due to the fact ‘he didn’t feel supported in his own home’ and ‘if I am making the money I can get whatever I want when I want and I shouldn’t throw it in his face he doesn’t have an income’…”
“…which is not true I’m trying to keep a roof over our head and food on the table.”
Then OP found herself in a very lonely position.
“All his friends and family think I way over reacted to something that makes my husband happy. And that the next time we get a large sum of money my husband said he would let me repair my purse.”
“I haven’t responded and don’t think I will for a few days. But I have gotten so many you’re such a bxxxch and the ah I starting to wonder if I really am.”
“Summary: Husband is bored with his game system stuff so he used my bonus and raise to buy him a new one without my permission and when I got upset I was labeled selfish and unsupportive. AITA”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
A heavy majority of people assured OP that her husband’s behavior was entirely not okay.
They tried to impress the seriousness of the situation upon her.
“NTA Also as someone who’s been in a relationship with this type of person….lawyers can be found on Google.”
“OP please leave….I promise it’s will hurt at first you’ll be scared as hell but you’re going to have a better life because of it.”
“You don’t want a child brought up in this thinking it’s okay.” — buffalobillsgirl76
“NTA. He is selfish and entitled. I would start separating your finances to protect your future self. Not saying you will split or should split but this is reckless.” — StreamAngler
“NTA, its not OK. He doesn’t have a job and he feels entitled to your bonus. You do him a favor. At least tell me he does the chores? If I were you, I would dump him.” — GodofHate
“Holy fu** NTA. You are the bread winner and this dude is sporadically unemployed. He was upset because you got a promotion and wanted to spend it on you? And he’ll “let you” spend your own money on yourself?”
“What type of giant mooching di**? OP. I am not going to play armchair psychologist or relationship expert…but this feels like a major red flag.”
“May be worth evaluating your relationship while your husband is with his parents. Counseling (or divorce if the issues are reoccurring) wouldn’t be a bad idea” — TravelingArthur
“NTA. Also honestly OP, can you charge him with theft because he didn’t actually get your permission to spend YOUR money on stuff?”
“If not, return all the shit he bought and get your money back. Use that money to change the locks and tell him he’s got 4 hours to collect all his sh*t off the driveway, otherwise it’s getting sold or donated.”
“You deserve so much better than this.” — ChloeBee95
“Op, run. It’s going to be difficult and hurt but this is a massive, and I mean super massive red flag.”
“I’m in a similar situation myself in my relationship, he at least has two jobs and works hard to support us (I’m disabled) so just deal with it because as I understand he does his best and I do mine and that’s enough for us.”
“It doesn’t sound like that’s the situation for you and if he has this much disrespect for you now, it’s going to go down hill.”
“You are more of a mother to him at this point then his wife from finacial stand point and an emotional standpoint.”
“It’s not your job as a romantic partner to teach him what’s right and wrong, and this OP, was a massive wrong and if he can’t see that, I’m sorry but that’s a child, not a man.”
“I wish you the best of luck in this and know you deserve better then this, you deserve some new shoes and a new purse. Return that computer and get you some.” — Ok_Needleworker5666
OP heard that feedback loud and clear, as an update added to her original post showed.
“Wow thank you everyone! I was not expecting this kid of support.
“I appreciate all the kind messages and compassion. This is more than I have ever felt in my life so thank you Reddit!”
“I took the weekend to reflect on what I want and read through the comments and messages. I see your point and that I can’t keep treating this like a marriage if he doesn’t.”
“So here’s to today and my first step towards freedom. I am separating the finances immediately and contacting a local lawyer to see my options and rights.”
“As well as therapy options for him. I will present this to him and he gets to choose.”
“But I refuse to baby an almost 30 year old. If he wants that well he has his mother.”
“Thank you everyone! I will try and update in the future!”
But things apparently continued after her original post.
She drafted another post a couple months after the first, explaining the fallout of her decision to put her foot down.
“I first want to thank EVERYONE who reached out and snapped me out of this daze with my SOON TO BE EX!”
“He was extremely toxic and just made me feel not even worth anything. Thus probably why it was so hard to see he wasn’t it.”
“So I want to thank everyone who offered words of encouragement and even the tough love. I needed to hear it.”
After sharing the big news, she drilled down into specifics.
“After he went back to his parents he was waiting for my apology (which I never did) and when he noticed I drained our joint bank he escalated saying I was his and how I could never actually leave him and that he ‘owned’ me, all of my success was his and without him I would be a loser drop out.”
“His family was even worse because I had already blocked them so they started making fake accounts and using apps to hide their number to harass me.”
“Saying I ruined their son’s life and how he sacrificed everything to get me where I am to throw him to the side like this was disgusting and I deserve to rot.”
For OP, enough was enough.
“I provided all this to my lawyer who recommended I take a restraining order (in case he wanted to escalate further) and to not engage EVER but just keep the records.”
“This has caused my anxiety to go through the roof and I am working on this with my therapist. I have separated the finances completely and changed my banks…”
“…even told them my ex is NEVER allowed to access these accounts because he would take it all and run.”
“I have changed my number and gone completely social media less (besides this).”
OP shared her reflections.
“Part of me is broken that our marriage came to end over a computer. I keep thinking I am stupid and how I couldn’t see the warning signs.”
“I must look like a fool to everyone.”
“All in all I’m slowly picking up the pieces of my life and figuring out how to move forward. Thank you to anyone still reading this and thank you everyone who helped me get here.”
“Summary: I am officially filing for divorce after I never apologized to him which only made my soon to be ex-husband and his family start harassing me to the nth degree.”
“I was having a panic attack every time the phone rang so I had to change my number and delete any social media. I am gaining my freedom from my toxic partner and his family.”
OP’s post was welcomed with an outpouring of support from Redditors.
“Your marriage didn’t come to an end because of a computer. It came to an end because of your SO.”
“That just happened to be the final straw that opened your eyes to the reality of your relationship. I know this hurts, but it will get better!” — zaftig_stig
“Isn’t it funny how you’d be nothing without him – yet you’re so powerful you ruined him??”
“Proud of you for recognizing your worth. I hope you’re feeling proud too.” — darkstarsxx
“Congratulations on getting away from that pos!!!” — small-avocado1
“Congratulations, go live your life at your fullest, you lost a great baggage that you don’t want to be returned. Don’t cry for the spilled milk, it was sour after all and it’s where it belonged.” — pioroa
We wish OP the very best as she moves on from such a stressful, toxic relationship.