When two people decide to commit to a long-term relationship or marriage, they do so knowing certain things about their partner, like their religious and political views, and the type of lifestyle they want to lead.
If a person changes one of those vital aspects of their belief system, their partner might wonder if they can still make the relationship work, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Total-Dingo5709 was supportive of his wife's change in religion, but he was concerned when hea realized how much it was impacting his and their children's lives.
When she even expected them to follow her lifestyle when she wasn't home, the Original Poster (OP) was concerned about what was happening to his family.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for secretly cheating on our vegetarian diet that my wife made our family do?"
The OP and his sons were supportive of his wife's new religion.
"I want to start by saying I (38 Male) love my family and wife (35 Female), and I have never been the type to do anything like this before."
"12 months ago, my Wife converted to a new religion, which included her giving up eating meat."
"The whole family (me and our two young boys) were supportive of this, and we held a vegetarian-only dinner that night as a little sign of support."
But then the OP's wife's restrictions became much more extreme.
"Life continues for another approximately eight months basically unchanged; the boys and I eat meat, and my wife doesn't."
"However, things start to change around that eight- to 10-month marker (can't remember exactly)."
"Basically, along with not eating meat, my wife now no longer wanted to be around it."
"This wasn't the only thing. Things continue to progress."
"Basically, my wife started to replace things in the house with substitutes."
"First, the pork in the house was swapped out for Jackfruit, eggs were swapped out for substitutes like Just Egg, Shirts were only bought from clean brands like Plant Faced Clothing, and Deodorants were swapped out for deodorant pills like GoScentless. There were many other swaps, but you get the idea."
The family started to argue about all the changes.
"To say this was creating a rift would be an understatement, and eventually, I brought up to our wife that again, while we 100% support her in her decisions around these things, I didn't think it should change things for the boys and me (unless of course, they wanted it)."
"My wife argued that her values have changed, and that being around some of this stuff was really hard for her, and wanted us to support her."
"For the next two or three months, the house was a place of pretty high tension."
"It had gotten so bad that the boys had friends bringing them meat from their houses since it was now completely gone from ours."
The OP and his sons let off a little steam while his wife was on a business trip.
"Anyway, about a week ago my wife went away on a few day-long business trip, meaning I was watching the boys Thursday, Friday, and Saturday."
"Basically, and I'm a bit ashamed to type this out, but the boys and I mostly ate meat, basically every chance we got."
"This was all fine and dandy; the boys and I had a great time... until my wife returned home, and it somehow slipped out what we had done."
"I have never seen her so disappointed in us."
The OP's wife lashed out at him.
"After putting the boys to bed, we argued for hours about how I was setting a poor example for the boys, that I should respect the decisions made by my wife, even if they're 'tough' and 'inconvenient.'"
"It's hard to argue back, because I can see her side, but it boils down simply to that I don't want to be vegetarian/vegan, and neither do the boys."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out some of the holes in the mom's frustration.
"NTA. She said she got rid of it because she couldn't be around it… well, she wasn't around it."
"Also, you guys did NOT convert to her religion, so she can't expect that you follow it… not really sure what the problem is when she wasn't home." - WaryScientist
"I think if she cooks the meals for the whole family then they are leaving the menu planning up to her. However, she was not home at that time." - PossibleSummer8182
"I'm not aware of any mainstream religion that is so strictly vegan. Jainism maybe? But the ones that are vegetarian tend not to be Evangelist and mostly say that it comes down to personal responsibility, and to leave everyone else alone." - RhynoD
"It's similar to when politicians try to force their personal beliefs on constituents through laws. It's f**ked up. They're supposed to be personal beliefs after all."
"The thing is, you have been respectful of her. She said she didn't want to be around it... and she wasn't. You waited til she was fully out of town."
"I have been a vegetarian for over 25 years. Most of my life, at this point. I have lived with dozens of people as roommates or partners (who are technically also roommates, I suppose)."
"Never, and I mean, not once, have I ever tried to force my food choices on anyone. Anyone is welcome to eat what I cook and welcome to make their own dinner. My partners and I cooked our own food, which is perfectly ok because we're adults with different dietary restrictions."
"Your wife is a controlling a**hole. NTA. Also, I'm so curious what religion requires vegetarianism, specific clothes/fabrics, and natural deodorant. Hinduism? I cannot think of anything else and technically, Hinduism doesn't require any of those things. I really want to know!" - GoblinKing79
"She wants respect for her decisions without offering any respect for anyone else's decision. It's ridiculously hypocritical." - LegendofDragoon
Others agreed and reassured the OP that his wife was the one who was in the wrong here.
"NTA. Your wife is the AH for FORCING her family to follow the same beliefs as she does."
"You can't control what other people do around you. This should be a unanimous decision between the two of you and your kids are old enough to choose for themselves." - Infinite-Chapter2652
"Her decision to change her lifestyle has extended beyond her personal choices and is now dictating what the entire family can eat and use. It doesn't sound consensual, either. That makes her the AH, not you. NTA." - naomi_lilbabe_
"It slipped from a personal choice that had no effect on the family to a personal choice that affected the family simply because she didn't want to be around the stuff to a choice she makes for the family even when she's not around."
"Shouldn't it be fine for them to eat meat when they're not around the mother? That would be the case if she only had an issue with being around it and consuming it personally." - CalebRaw
"OP says his wife's 'values have changed'... This seems like a red flag to me. Do those values still align with what OP thought he was marrying?" - hamsandwich232
"I admit that I don't know a lot about Buddhism, only knowing one family who practices. And I realize that one person being very uptight does not define an entire religion."
"The husband is really laid back and mellow about religion, and everything else. The wife is very pushy about her beliefs, reminds me a lot of what op is saying about his wife."
"Some of her house rules, and, to be fair, I think you're totally fine to have whatever rules you want for guests in your own home, don't like it, then don't visit."
"Follow a vegan diet for at least two days before visiting them, so you're detoxed of animal products. She especially doesn't want any animal products to be pooped out in the toilet at her house."
"No deodorant used when visiting her home, because they contain toxic chemicals. No makeup worn that contains animal products or metals. No artificial perfumes worn."
"No leather worn around them, not just in their home, but at all. Leaving your Berks in your car, in their driveway, isn't allowed."
"I can't remember all her other rules, it's been over 30 years since I visited them." - RugBurn70
The subReddit couldn't stop shaking their heads over this one.
Not only had the OP respected his wife's wishes and waited until she was away to enjoy a meal with his sons, but his wife was the one who had changed her whole family's dietary habits without really considering how they felt.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.