When two people decide to commit to a long-term relationship or marriage, they do so knowing certain things about their partner, like their religious and political views, and the type of lifestyle they want to lead.
If a person changes one of those vital aspects of their belief system, their partner might wonder if they can still make the relationship work, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Total-Dingo5709 was supportive of his wife’s change in religion, but he was concerned when hea realized how much it was impacting his and their children’s lives.
When she even expected them to follow her lifestyle when she wasn’t home, the Original Poster (OP) was concerned about what was happening to his family.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for secretly cheating on our vegetarian diet that my wife made our family do?”
The OP and his sons were supportive of his wife’s new religion.
“I want to start by saying I (38 Male) love my family and wife (35 Female), and I have never been the type to do anything like this before.”
“12 months ago, my Wife converted to a new religion, which included her giving up eating meat.”
“The whole family (me and our two young boys) were supportive of this, and we held a vegetarian-only dinner that night as a little sign of support.”
But then the OP’s wife’s restrictions became much more extreme.
“Life continues for another approximately eight months basically unchanged; the boys and I eat meat, and my wife doesn’t.”
“However, things start to change around that eight- to 10-month marker (can’t remember exactly).”
“Basically, along with not eating meat, my wife now no longer wanted to be around it.”
“This wasn’t the only thing. Things continue to progress.”
“Basically, my wife started to replace things in the house with substitutes.”
“First, the pork in the house was swapped out for Jackfruit, eggs were swapped out for substitutes like Just Egg, Shirts were only bought from clean brands like Plant Faced Clothing, and Deodorants were swapped out for deodorant pills like GoScentless. There were many other swaps, but you get the idea.”
The family started to argue about all the changes.
“To say this was creating a rift would be an understatement, and eventually, I brought up to our wife that again, while we 100% support her in her decisions around these things, I didn’t think it should change things for the boys and me (unless of course, they wanted it).”
“My wife argued that her values have changed, and that being around some of this stuff was really hard for her, and wanted us to support her.”
“For the next two or three months, the house was a place of pretty high tension.”
“It had gotten so bad that the boys had friends bringing them meat from their houses since it was now completely gone from ours.”
The OP and his sons let off a little steam while his wife was on a business trip.
“Anyway, about a week ago my wife went away on a few day-long business trip, meaning I was watching the boys Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.”
“Basically, and I’m a bit ashamed to type this out, but the boys and I mostly ate meat, basically every chance we got.”
“This was all fine and dandy; the boys and I had a great time… until my wife returned home, and it somehow slipped out what we had done.”
“I have never seen her so disappointed in us.”
The OP’s wife lashed out at him.
“After putting the boys to bed, we argued for hours about how I was setting a poor example for the boys, that I should respect the decisions made by my wife, even if they’re ‘tough’ and ‘inconvenient.'”
“It’s hard to argue back, because I can see her side, but it boils down simply to that I don’t want to be vegetarian/vegan, and neither do the boys.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out some of the holes in the mom’s frustration.
“NTA. She said she got rid of it because she couldn’t be around it… well, she wasn’t around it.”
“Also, you guys did NOT convert to her religion, so she can’t expect that you follow it… not really sure what the problem is when she wasn’t home.” – WaryScientist
“I think if she cooks the meals for the whole family then they are leaving the menu planning up to her. However, she was not home at that time.” – PossibleSummer8182
“I’m not aware of any mainstream religion that is so strictly vegan. Jainism maybe? But the ones that are vegetarian tend not to be Evangelist and mostly say that it comes down to personal responsibility, and to leave everyone else alone.” – RhynoD
“It’s similar to when politicians try to force their personal beliefs on constituents through laws. It’s f**ked up. They’re supposed to be personal beliefs after all.”
“The thing is, you have been respectful of her. She said she didn’t want to be around it… and she wasn’t. You waited til she was fully out of town.”
“I have been a vegetarian for over 25 years. Most of my life, at this point. I have lived with dozens of people as roommates or partners (who are technically also roommates, I suppose).”
“Never, and I mean, not once, have I ever tried to force my food choices on anyone. Anyone is welcome to eat what I cook and welcome to make their own dinner. My partners and I cooked our own food, which is perfectly ok because we’re adults with different dietary restrictions.”
“Your wife is a controlling a**hole. NTA. Also, I’m so curious what religion requires vegetarianism, specific clothes/fabrics, and natural deodorant. Hinduism? I cannot think of anything else and technically, Hinduism doesn’t require any of those things. I really want to know!” – GoblinKing79
“She wants respect for her decisions without offering any respect for anyone else’s decision. It’s ridiculously hypocritical.” – LegendofDragoon
Others agreed and reassured the OP that his wife was the one who was in the wrong here.
“NTA. Your wife is the AH for FORCING her family to follow the same beliefs as she does.”
“You can’t control what other people do around you. This should be a unanimous decision between the two of you and your kids are old enough to choose for themselves.” – Infinite-Chapter2652
“Her decision to change her lifestyle has extended beyond her personal choices and is now dictating what the entire family can eat and use. It doesn’t sound consensual, either. That makes her the AH, not you. NTA.” – naomi_lilbabe_
“It slipped from a personal choice that had no effect on the family to a personal choice that affected the family simply because she didn’t want to be around the stuff to a choice she makes for the family even when she’s not around.”
“Shouldn’t it be fine for them to eat meat when they’re not around the mother? That would be the case if she only had an issue with being around it and consuming it personally.” – CalebRaw
“OP says his wife’s ‘values have changed’… This seems like a red flag to me. Do those values still align with what OP thought he was marrying?” – hamsandwich232
“I admit that I don’t know a lot about Buddhism, only knowing one family who practices. And I realize that one person being very uptight does not define an entire religion.”
“The husband is really laid back and mellow about religion, and everything else. The wife is very pushy about her beliefs, reminds me a lot of what op is saying about his wife.”
“Some of her house rules, and, to be fair, I think you’re totally fine to have whatever rules you want for guests in your own home, don’t like it, then don’t visit.”
“Follow a vegan diet for at least two days before visiting them, so you’re detoxed of animal products. She especially doesn’t want any animal products to be pooped out in the toilet at her house.”
“No deodorant used when visiting her home, because they contain toxic chemicals. No makeup worn that contains animal products or metals. No artificial perfumes worn.”
“No leather worn around them, not just in their home, but at all. Leaving your Berks in your car, in their driveway, isn’t allowed.”
“I can’t remember all her other rules, it’s been over 30 years since I visited them.” – RugBurn70
The subReddit couldn’t stop shaking their heads over this one.
Not only had the OP respected his wife’s wishes and waited until she was away to enjoy a meal with his sons, but his wife was the one who had changed her whole family’s dietary habits without really considering how they felt.