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Newly Wealthy Woman Upsets Friends By Refusing To Pay $100k To Send Friend’s Brother To Rehab

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Recovery from substance use disorder is a long journey and one that should be supported by communities to the best of their ability. When it comes to private donations or help however, setting firm boundaries is important to safgaird yourself.

Redditor throwra123839023 turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit for opinions on a situation that arose when they come into some money and a friend asked them for an exorbitant amount to pay for their brothers rehab.

She asked:

AITA for not paying for friend’s brother’s rehab even though I have the money for it?”

The newly rich OP (original poster) spilled the details of the conflict. 

“I (20F) recently inherited money from my grandmother’s estate. I didn’t tell everyone about it, but I did tell a few of my close ‘friends’.”

“Somehow, by the end of the week, everyone in our friend group (and other acquaintances) knew about the large sum of cash I now owned. Like bees to honey, they started gathering around me and asking for favors.”

“It was easier to decline favors to acquaintances, but one friend (21F) asked me for a huge favor, and it put me on the spot. Her brother (19M) has been addicted to coke since high school.”

“They’ve sent him to a rehab center before, but he relapsed and continues to abuse the substance. They claim that the rehab he previously attended wasn’t good or expensive enough, and that’s why he didn’t get the proper care he needed.”

“She asked me to pay for his rehab, but this would cost nearly $100k. Our other friends were trying to get me to agree, but I had to decline.”

I want to be a doctor one day, and I know that taking loans and being broke during med school are two downsides to this path. I calculated the costs, and with the money I have now, I can just barely get through med school without being plagued with loans or being completely broke.”

“I don’t want to give her the money because a) I don’t know either of them that well, and b) I don’t know if this will help him or if he’ll relapse again. I told them I couldn’t do that, and everyone is telling me I’m the bad guy.”

Unfortunately at this point the guilt started to pile onto our OP.

“They said that this could completely change an entire family’s lives, especially that of the addicted brother. They say I’m selfish and have the power to change a life for the better, but I choose not to.”

“They even said I shouldn’t even consider being a doctor because I clearly ‘have no empathy for human life’. Ouch, that one stung. A lot of people stopped talking to me and many call me selfish.”

“They are blaming ME that her brother will be addicted forever and they don’t have the money to pay for it. It’s making me upset, and I know I shouldn’t listen to them, but it’s making me wonder if what they said was true. I know I’m not responsible for him, but AITA?”

The OP asked Redditors to weigh in and pass one of four judgements:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided she was not at fault for wanting to conserve her own money to reach her goals. 

NTA Tell everyone that tells you to give this drug addict your money that they are very welcome to pitch in to help him instead. They want you to sacrifice your future to help one family.”

But, as a doctor, how many families could you potentially help over your professional career? Maybe one (if he doesn’t relapse again) vs. many. It’s kind of a no-brainer there.theDagman

NTA. And well they showed you their real colors already by telling other people about your money in the first place. Nobody is entitled to your money, you are not a charity.”

“Maybe it’s a mean thing to say but you would get nothing out of giving the money. You would only screw yourself over an attempt of helping a drug addict who might not even want help.”

“As much as it sucks, if a person wants to get clean, they can start the journey even without a fancy rehab centre.” Special_Koala_1093

Yeah the road to recovery is a long one. Throwing 100k for a second rehab without being financially and mentally prepared for the likely possibility they will relapse and need rehab again is very naive, but its nice to see that his family is supportive.”

“It’s not your problem though. If you needed 100k tomorrow for an important surgery, would your friends help you? NTA. Find new friends, don’t tell them too much about your money.” Unintended_incentive

“NTA. They want to help the brother, however if the brother isn’t ready to kick the habit sending him to rehab will be 100 000k down the drain right there. It’s not selfish to want to use your own money. You know what is selfish, demanding other people’s money.” Mera1506

“You very, very much need new friends.”

“To think that you have any obligation to pay such an INSANE amount of money for any one to go to rehab (especially someone who isn’t even your immediate family) is asinine.”

“The fact that you have money does not in any way obligate you to spend it on anyone or any thing. Your friends are selfish AH’s.”

“You are NTA. Save your money and find new friends who actually care about you for more than what you can do for them with your new found wealth.” jemkos

“NTA…for an addict to quit, they themselves must truly want it. I’ve seen so many individuals go to expensive rehabs just to relapse again.”

“Also, this is your money they have no right in telling you how to spend it.”  Certified_hentai

“NTA. I love how people are so generous with other people’s money. If this ever happens to me I would invite everyone over, take out a hat and have them all donate and I will match the lowest donation.”

“They are so invested in that young man’s well-being? Well then, let’s help him!”

“But them first. And all they have to do is be as generous as they want me to be.”  lokifirefox

“NTA. Aside from 100K being insane, it’s the family’s problem, not yours.”

“Also, of course the other friends think it’s ok to demand you pay, it will make their smaller demands more easy for you to swallow.” JuiceEdawg

“I don’t recall you saying you were the one choppin up his lines and shoving it in his nose. Why tf should you take responsibility for HIS actions??”

“Addiction is horrible, wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies, but HE GOT HIMSELF HERE. He did coke, he continued to do it.”

“It’s not your responsibility to pay ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for something that isn’t guaranteed. It’s his fault if he’s gonna be addicted for the rest of his life.”

“Also, the sheer nerve to ask for 100k is crazy and then to blame you for his addiction when you declined giving them enough for a private island in some places.” YaggaYeetus

“NTA. That is a big big ask. Even if it wasn’t they have no right to demand it of you but, holy cr*p.”

“That is an insane thing to expect/demand from someone.”

“He has been to rehab before and it didn’t work. They can’t really say that a more expensive one will.”

“They have no way of knowing that because it is something he has to chose for himself.” Melanie-Littleman

“Honestly you don’t owe them ANYTHING. You don’t know him as you said on top of that you aren’t his parent you’re not obligated to do anything.”

“At 19 he’s a grown man. When I was 19 I was deployed in eastern Afghanistan.”

“That’s YOUR money nobody can tell you what to do with it. He already relapsed as you said so why would you waste $100,000 that you can use for your med school education?”

“They’re trying to abuse your relationship. It’s good you declined.” CartelBricks

“NTA. Do not do this. The brother will not get better until he is ready.”

“He needs to seek help, not have someone pay for it. It will mean nothing to him.”

“He is an addict and addicts only think about their next high. I spent 20 years and all my retirement trying to ‘make’ my daughter better.”

“It got to the point I had nothing left to help her. She was homeless for about 5 months in a shelter but she made the choice to get better.”

“She rode the bus to and from work until she could buy a car. It’s been 4 years with one slip for a month but she now has a full time job a car and a place to live.”

“She had to do this herself. All my time and money didnt help. KEEP YOUR MONEY AND GO TO SCHOOL.” cutipatutie

“I think your friends’ ages are part of the issue. They should be happy for you.”

“It’s amazing that you can go to medical school without crushing debt. It also makes sense that they would also be jealous but they should process that privately.”

“Your grandmother’s inheritance is turning a life around. Your life.”

“I think that if this situation happened in 10 years most of them would be able to handle it better. I also think your friend with the addict brother is upset and instead of being mad at her brother is pushing that onto you.”

“That’s some bullsh*t.” StunningGiraffe

“They are guilt tripping you. Do not pay for that rehab unless you had Jeff Bezos’ money.”

“My brother has been to countless rehabs and they will only change, if they truly want to and even then there is a chance of relapse because their brain chemistry has forever changed.”

“Plus these rehab centers overcharge anyways.”

“No keep your money, and do your best in medical school where at least you won’t have the additional stress of loans.” Optimal-Green9561

“NTA. I understand the struggles of addiction because I used to be there, and know many many people who were there too.”

“That issue is up to the person and no one else. You do not HAVE to pay for anything just because of that.”

“They need to grow up and get serious about getting clean, because if they aren’t wanting to get sober, no amount of money is going to ‘cure’ them.” Sharki_B

“In hindsight, you should have kept that inheritance info to yourself. Unfortunately, some human beings can’t help themselves and feel entitled to someone else’s money, especially when it’s a windfall.”

“But we’re here now. You are NTA, you were never TA and you will never be TA.”

“You are 20 years old. You are not responsible for her brother or even her family.”

“They have no right to think you MUST pay for his rehab and then, when you won’t, start harassing you and making you feel like you owe them. You don’t!!!”

“If you wanted to squander the money on frivolous things, that is your right. But you want to be a doctor.”

“That is a very noble profession and will give you the power to change the lives of hundreds of human beings rather than just one. I don’t know how they got scope-locked on you as their savior but to give them that money means putting it down a rathole.”

“No. This would be a bad investment. Trust your instincts; don’t do it.”

“If they don’t want to be friends with you, so be it. You are not their private bank.”

“Please don’t feel guilt over this. You are doing the right thing.”

“To be on the safe side, you may want to talk to a financial advisor on how to ensure you have that money for your future education. Put it in something that can’t be touched until you and only you need it.”

“Tell those who know that it can’t be touched. And then ensure you tell no one else.”

“You’ve learned a lesson in one of the worst parts of human nature: entitlement.” QNaima

The OP was grateful for all of the encouraging responses and added an edit to thank Redditors and give an update.

Thanks to everyone for reaching out. I am trying to look at all the comments but this post blew up! Like the most of you suggest, I plan to completely cut off these people.”

“They are toxic and the amount of money they asked for was unreasonable. If I am to become a doctor, I need to be level headed. What they asked of me was completely unreasonable, and I’d be better off becoming a doctor and saving lives.”

“I was beginning to doubt myself because everyone was attacking me, but to see that I have so many people on my side is really comforting. Next time, I’ll make my own decisions and I’ll be firm in them, like many of you tell me to.”

“I’ve gotten some great life advice in the past day from you guys, and I’ll be sure to follow it all! P.S., I will never share information about my finances with ANYONE. I learned this the hard way, but at least I learned.”

We’re sorry you’ve had to deal with people being the AH but wish you all the best in school OP!

Written by Heidi Dockery

Heidi Dockery is a Maine artist & nature enthusiast with an affinity for libraries. She studies Criminal Justice with a special focus on psychology & sociology at the University of Maine. When not studying, painting, or re-reading the works of Terry Pratchett, she volunteers & enjoys various activities most would label nerdy.