There’s nothing quite like losing someone you love, and we have all kinds of ways to memorialize those who have passed that we miss.
But sometimes onlookers confuse grieving and memorialization with longing, which can hurt future relationships, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Chingom_ had been looking forward to marrying his new partner after his late wife was killed on duty several years prior.
But when his wife-to-be gave him an ultimatum to either remove the tattoo memorializing his late wife or not marry her, the Original Poster (OP) refused to remove the tattoo of the mother of his children.
He asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for refusing to remove a portrait tattoo of my late wife, even though my fiancée says she won’t marry me if I keep it?”
The OP had a special tattoo to memorialize his late wife on his arm.
“I (38 Male) have a portrait tattoo on my forearm of my late wife with Day of the Dead makeup on. It’s an actual portrait, not a symbol or abstract design, and it is clearly her.”
“It is a recreation of the first picture I took of her. And I have had it for over 11 years.”
“My fiancée (35 Female), ‘A,’ has always known about it. She has seen it countless times and never said anything negative.”
“A few weeks ago, we were out with friends, and someone asked about tattoos and their meanings. I explained mine one by one and eventually talked about the portrait. Everyone reacted with comments like, ‘Wow, that must have been meaningful.'”
The OP was surprised when his fiancée raised concerns about the tattoo.
“A didn’t say anything at the time, but later she told me it made her uncomfortable to hear me talk about the tattoo in front of people. She said it felt like I was bringing my ex into our relationship and that she felt embarrassed that I still have a permanent reminder of another woman on my body.”
“As of last night, we were two weeks away from our wedding. Out of nowhere, A sat me down and told me she cannot marry me unless I remove or cover the tattoo.”
“She said she has tried to be understanding, but she can’t start a marriage where her husband has a giant portrait of his ex on his arm. She said it is disrespectful to her and makes her feel like I am still emotionally attached.”
“I told her I am not removing it. She said that means I am choosing my ex over her. The wedding is now on hold because neither of us is backing down.”
The OP felt conflicted about the situation.
“Here is where I need assistance. I do not think A is an AH, and I understand why a fiancée might feel uncomfortable with a portrait of an ex. I know it is unusual. I know people think tattoos like that must mean someone is still holding onto feelings. So part of me wondered if I really was being unfair by refusing to compromise.”
“But here is the part that A never includes when she tells her side.”
“My late wife was not just my high school sweetheart or from a young marriage in my 20s. She was the mother of my two children. She worked in law enforcement, and she died tragically several years ago while serving a warrant.”
“The tattoo was after her death as a way to preserve her memory and show my kids that she lives on with us. The tattoo is not about romantic feelings. It is a memorial.”
“My kids see it as a tribute to their mom. I wanted them to know she would never be forgotten or replaced as they grew older. Removing it would not just hurt me. It would hurt them. It would feel like erasing a part of their history.”
That said, the OP did not plan to remove the tattoo.
“I will not be changing it. That would hurt my children, because they would likely feel like their mother is being replaced, and that could never happen. A is an addition to my life, not a replacement for a portion of my past.”
“A knew all of this when we met. She even knew my late wife prior to her untimely death, as they went to the same high school.”
“And yet she still gave me this ultimatum two weeks before the wedding. I feel like if this bothered her that much, it should have come up five years ago when we began dating, or three years ago when we got engaged.”
“If she cannot understand that, then it’s better to call it off.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about the wife bait-and-switching the OP so close to the wedding.
“NTA. This was the OP’s late wife. Plus, the mother of his children, who lost their mom.”
“I hate that his fiancée waited till so far along to give this ultimatum. My response would be, ‘Bye, ex-fiancee.’ You will always have your late wife in your heart and deserve a woman who understands and treasures that, not demands you erase her presence from your life.” – kingofgreenapples
“I was going to go with NTA regardless bc she waited so late in the game to express an issue with it. Covering or removing a tattoo isn’t quick business, and they’re weeks away from their wedding.” – UptownLurker
“He shouldn’t have to compromise with something that she has LITERALLY never stated anything on this entire time. Yeah, he loved her, but clearly he has moved on and CHOSEN to be with this new person. She should realize that instead of projecting IMMENSELY huge insecurities and holding everything hostage because of it. Sorry, but this is a major red flag on her part.” – mavetgrigori
“She had years to bring this up, but waited two weeks before your wedding? That sounds like manipulation to me. OP, keep your tattoo.”
“The right person will understand and love you more for keeping it. She cannot pretend your wife didn’t exist. Your children should be encouraged to honor and remember their mother, while knowing their father loved her, too.”
“It is not easy marrying a widower, especially one with children. It takes someone with a lot of self-confidence and a really big heart. It is okay for her not to be able to handle it, but that is her decision. She shouldn’t be allowed to erase memories.” – Equal_Audience_3415
“Honestly? Even if she were an actual “ex” here–with the fact that it’s his kids’ mom and that she is deceased?”
“OP would still not be TA for not removing the tattoo–because it is his kids’ mom, and she’s gone.”
“There’s not any ‘competition’ there, for a new GF/Fiancee/Spouse; the woman it was a picture of is dead–and it’s simply a memory for OP’s Kids at this point.”
“A ‘Dad had this when he and Mom were together,’ it was the memory of a beautiful picture he took, and he kept it, because it connects us to her, through him.”
“But with the additional weight of her being his Late Wife, rather than Ex?”
“100% fine to keep it, and the Fiancee is the one in the wrong, for demanding it’s removal or cover up.”
“She knew his history and the tattoo’s history all this time.”
“The time to make a request like this is much too far in the past now!” – EmmerdoesNOTrepme
Others thought the OP’s fiancée sounded insecure and jealous, and not even of an ex-wife but a late wife.
“A tattoo like this doesn’t only have to be ok if the person has died. It really depends on how secure a person feels in the relationship.”
“My parents were married for 35 years, and my mom lived with the fact that my dad had his ex-wife on his right forearm all that time. His ex outlived him, but my mom was secure in how my dad felt about her and didn’t let it bother her at all. It really does come down to if a person feels secure about their partner’s feelings for them.”
“But this really feels like a power play by the fiancée.” – Duchess1405
“I think it’s fine that he keeps it regardless of her being an ex or dead. Why do we want a person to erase their past meaningful relationships to prove something to us?”
“A isn’t mature in how she’s approaching this – but especially so where the children’s feelings are concerned. Perhaps the kids will be the next ultimatum.” – CroneofThorns
“A picture of an ex is totally different from a memorial for someone who was taken from you, and as a third party, that changes the way we look at it.”
“Though even if she were an ex, the fact that the kids view it as a memorial would mean that getting rid of it would be terrible. Unless OP really wanted it gone, there’s no reason to hurt his kids that way.”
“She seems really competitive, though. If she doesn’t feel secure, then they shouldn’t get married.” – Different-Leather359
“I think she is an AH, and you would be if you got rid of it. She’s your kids’ mom. A is marrying a widower with children. Your late wife will be part of the relationship because she is the kids’ mom, and they deserve to have their mother’s memory in their lives.”
“If she can’t deal with that, then she shouldn’t be marrying a widower with children. And anytime she tries to frame it as a tattoo of your ex, reframe it as a memorial to your children’s deceased mother.”
“The number of people supporting her position will go down, and she knows it, which is why she doesn’t frame it that way.” – Tired_Mama3018
“Mother of your children, plus a law enforcement officer who died on duty? Yeah, the fiancée can either deal with it or leave. NTA.”
“Considering the circumstances, perhaps you can compromise by putting the year your late wife was born to when she died under or above the tattoo so people would know it’s a memorial tattoo. If that’s not acceptable to your fiancée, then it’s her problem. She’s the one who is being disrespectful of you and your children’s loss.”
“But whether she stays in your life or not, adding the dates would be a great addition to a memorial tattoo.” – Existing_Proposal655
The subreddit was totally in favor of the OP keeping the tattoo, not only to support his children but also to remember his late wife and all she sacrificed. Remembering her was not an insult to future relationships, but if the OP’s current partner couldn’t understand that, then marrying might not be the answer.