Some school assignments may need some looking at.
Not every lesson ages well.
There are certain instances when it's best to get teachers and parents on the same page.
Case in point...
Redditor This-Quantity-186 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for sending my son's teacher an accosting message?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (42 M[ale]) and I (37 F[emale]) first met our son’s (17 M) history teacher at his open house."
"He is very clearly not our biological child."
"I am black and my husband has dark black hair while our son is white as a ghost and very blonde."
"She didn’t bring up him being adopted, some teachers did, so I assumed it wasn’t an interesting topic for her."
"But recently I’ve seen that that assumption was wrong."
"In the class as a part of a 'getting to know you' assignment, she asked the kids to do a family tree."
"And specifically singled out my son and told him to do his biological family instead of us."
"He told us about it and said he wasn’t going to listen and just do us and his siblings, one biological to him, one also adopted, and the other biologically ours."
"He came to us a few days later saying he had been going back in forth with the teacher because she gave him a 1/20 for not doing his bio family."
"She then contacts me because he wasn’t listening to her."
"In one of her messages, she calls my son a liar because he 'misquoted' her by saying she said 'real family' when she really said 'biological family.'"
"This is where I start to feel like an A**hole."
"I told her I didn’t give enough of a f**k to play semantics with her."
"And that she was a stupid b*tch for saying that he didn’t follow instructions when nowhere does it state on the assignment instructions that it had to biological family."
"She even said that people could include their pets, that’s not a biological family member."
"To me, he has no obligation to oblige by rules that only apply to him and serve no one any benefit."
"I proceed to call her a stupid b*tch again because a part of the assignment is talking about your family's personalities."
"His bio mother passed away and his bio father went to prison when he was four."
"And neither of them have attainable family members."
"So if he did do it her way half the assignment would be missing."
"To sum up..."
"I am my son’s adoptive mother."
"He was assigned a family tree project his teacher asked (only him) that it be bio family only, but he refused."
"She messaged me, I messaged her back calling her a stupid b*tch multiple times."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared this situation was an ESH outcome, with some exceptions.
"ESH (except your son)."
"The language you used did nothing to help your son's position."
"You have a right to be mad, but if the teacher is acting in an unacceptable way she needs to be reprimanded through the school's disciplinary system."
"This means reporting her behavior to a superior."
"No one is going to take a complaint from you seriously if she has written evidence of you swearing at her and calling her names." ~ not_a_bad_egg
"Hey, former teacher here."
"You need an in-person meeting with her, her administration, your husband, and your son."
"I don’t like her assignment and it’s totally messed up."
"But don’t underplay cussing her out."
"Own your responsibility in that."
"Apologize, it was uncalled for, and no one should be talked to like that in this setting."
"Based on what you said here, it’s a total stretch to say 'I was provoked' over the phone, and that will make you look crazy."
"If you put up a front that you’re blameless in this all."
"The administration will likely put their weight behind the teacher because honestly there’s not a whole lot of people who are willing to put up with the education system these days."
"I’m not going to lie to you, this will affect your son in this teacher’s class for the rest of the year, even if subconsciously the teacher will opt out of going the extra mile for him because of your outburst."
"After the apology is accepted (it will be if it’s sincere and she’s on the spot) then get to the point that her assignment was disrespectful and lacked student choice and was determining his identity for him."
"If this was a piece about genetics the biological element was called for, but it was a getting to know you assignment."
"It is not OK for her to dictate who his family is and who he chooses to share about."
"I am positive there are other children there with stepdads or moms that she did not give that directive to (if she can prove that she did give them that same directive - you want to see)."
"Administration will be on your side."
"Unfortunately even if it works out in your favor, it could still result in pettiness from this teacher toward your son."
"So after that’s solved, reiterate in front of your son that you do expect him to respect this teacher."
"That you look forward to collaborating with her as needed in the future."
"And you’re hoping that she will feel peace going home tonight."
"That now that it’s solved and all is good, you won’t hold it against her and hope she won’t hold you cussing her out against you."
"Then make a joke about Covid and all the craziness of the last 6 years being hard on everyone and let’s work together not to lose our minds." ~ grainofsalt2022
"You're an adult and you're responsible for your own actions."
"'I was provoked' only works if you're a toddler, and even then just barely."
"The teacher sucks for singling out your kid."
"There's no excuse for that."
"That said, ESH except for your kid." ~1965BenlyTouring150
"You shot yourself in the foot big time by using that sort of language."
"What this teacher did was unconscionable and bullying and you've just let her clean off the hook."
"Your ONLY chance is to go to the principal and START by apologizing for your language, explaining you were deeply upset but promising there will never, ever be a repeat incident."
"I'm not telling you this because I care about the teacher's feelings in this matter."
"No way. But if a school can categorize you as the problem then it neatly absolves them from ever having to address any problems you raise."
"And the Boards will back them."
"The watchword is 'Relentless Courtesy.'"
"You never lose your cool, you never raise your voice, and you persist."
"Keep bringing them back to the issue you're concerned with."
"Repeat your points. Polite but not backing off."
"The best way to get rid of you then is to solve your problem."
"Not easy when your problem is that the teacher is a raging bigot and your son needs to be moved far, far away from her."
"It might beat fruit to say to the principal that you understand that your outburst might have made the teacher uncomfortable."
"And reluctant to work with you on your child's education going forward and perhaps a fresh start with another teacher would be best for all concerned." ~ Irishwol
OP returned with some details.
"We have a scheduled meeting on Wednesday with the principal, the teacher, and his guidance counselor."
"He works closely with him because of my son’s trauma, my son confided in him when the situation first went down I didn’t know about this until now."
"And I am currently drafting my apology to her that I plan to send tonight."
"I have since found out she’s (allegedly) made derogatory comments about my husband being Jewish."
"This will be brought up in the meeting, let’s hope I keep my cool."
Reddit continued...
"AWESOME NEWS regarding the meeting! Also good idea on apologizing!"
"Even if this teacher is the school’s 'bad apple,' your apology and expressed willingness to 'work' with her will go a long way in that meeting!"
"You definitely don’t want to be perceived as a 'difficult parent' for all of your children’s sake."
"NTA! The teacher unreasonably dismissed your son’s valid reasons for making his family tree about his current family."
"Her insensitivity towards him could’ve caused him further unnecessary trauma in his young life."
"Make sure that the teacher is rightfully reprimanded and if necessary, have your son placed in a different class!"
"This teacher’s approach to teaching appears to be toxic! Good Luck!" ~ bkupisch
Well, Reddit went everywhere with this.
While it is never a great idea to cuss out a teacher, emotions run high when protecting your kid.
Don't be too hard on yourself, OP.
Good luck with the meeting!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp