Woman Wants No Relationship With Widower Boyfriend's Kids Who Thought She Was Gold Digger

Entertainment would have us believe blended families lead to wacky hijinks, but reality is rarely so fun or funny.

Joining a family with kids can be tricky, even if those kids are adults. Resentment and distrust are frequent obstacles to overcome.

Any difficulties can be compounded by how their parents union ended. Was it an amicable or messy divorce? Did one parent die?

In death, people tend to remember everyone as perfect. For anyone added to the family, it's hard to compete with a ghost.

A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after clashes with her partner's adult daughters.

TheMothmanCommeth asked:

"AITA for not being friendly with my partner's daughters now that they've 'warmed up' to me?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I'm (42, female) dating Tim (59, male), a widower. He's in banking, I'm a bartender."

"I know what it looks like. His 2 daughters thought the same thing, but he's broke as a joke and I've got a trust fund, so actually no."

"He's broke because his late wife got cancer. 3 times. He ran up 6 credit cards, 2nd mortgage on the house, cashed out his retirement, everything and anything to get her the treatment she needed and then to get treatment enough to see both daughters married."

"His daughters live a 6hrs drive away."

"We drove to them for Xmas last year and the year before. They ignored me, dragged Tim away when he tried to include me and prevented their husbands from making even small talk with me by talking over me."

"Year 1 Tim chastised them, they apologized (to him, not me). They blamed the pain of seeing their Dad with a woman who wasn't their Mum. Year 2, they did it again."

"This year I told Tim, 'not again'. He could go, I would never ask him not to see his daughters for Xmas, but I'll stay here."

"Tim didn't love the idea because me going with him means we can share the responsibility of driving when his back starts to bother him. He hates to fly. His 2010 deathtrap is starting to go anyway, so I leased him a comfy luxury ride—my brother has a dealership."

"He called the girls, super excited that he'd be able to see them more often without having to worry about his back, who then blew up and accused him of spending their mother's money on a 'bullsh*t house and car to impress some bimbo bartender and didn't offer them a dime for their weddings'."

"In the ensuing argument, it came out that they assumed there had been a life insurance policy, nor did they have any idea about the credit card debt or the 2nd mortgage that the house was underwater on or that Tim was looking at foreclosure and bankruptcy until he moved in with me."

"They did not realize it was my house, that he pays no bills save the water bill—man takes excessive showers—and shared groceries."

"He was so upset about the whole argument. When it got done he was a bit shell-shocked that his girls would act that way."

"He called them, all excited to be able to see them more. They instantly leapt to that he got the car for me and kicked off the argument."

"I know they hated he moved 6 hours away, so he was so happy to be able to reassure them that would be less of a concern now. But they attacked me instead of being happy about seeing their Dad more."

"They both got married before their mother died and before I started dating Tim but they didn't realize he was going into debt for their Mum's treatment."

"My post paraphrases a much, much longer argument, but basically they were mad that Tim didn't give them anything towards their weddings. He couldn't because he was paying for his wife's hospice mostly out of pocket and shielding them from that stress and worry."

"Then when he did 'get money'—he never got money, he got me—which was life insurance they thought existed but never did, he then spent that money on me is what they accused him of."

"The lack of wedding money was the wound and the house/car was the salt, I guess."

"I don't believe Tim had any idea the girls weren't aware that it's my house. I've heard him refer to it as my house to the girls."

"I also had heard him tell them I worked as a bartender for fun, that I don't need to work.

"Tim is one, prideful of himself, and two, protective of them. He shielded them from what was going on behind the scenes so that they could spend as much time with their dying mother without being worried about him."

"I know he mentioned some things about the move helping him when he first told them he was moving in with me, but the argument was the first time he actually laid everything out to them in no uncertain terms about the house and the debt and cashed out 401k and no life insurance, etc..."

"I'm probably giving him the benefit of the doubt because I love him,  but I think he thought they would figure things out without him having to spell it out and that their coldness to me was solely because I'm not their mum and they miss her so much."

"Now the girls want my number. They are sorry I 'felt lonely' at Xmas."

"They want to come visit and stay with us next year! Conveniently in summer—I live near a beach."

"I've told Tim absolutely not about giving out my number. I'm happy to be polite if they come to visit Tim, but we're not going to be friends. If they had talked to me for even 2 seconds they'd have understood our living situation."

"I am not shy about admitting the only thing I have ever contributed to my blessed financial state is 'not developing a crippling coke addiction' like my cousin Danny did. It's inherited wealth."

"They had opportunities to talk to me and get to know me. This whole thing could have been avoided if they'd said more than 'hi' and 'bye' in 2022."

"Tim and I will never marry, we discussed that when I floated the idea of him moving in with me."

"He didn't want his debt attached to me or my inheritance attached to him, to which I completely agree."

"He is also deeply attached to having been his wife's only husband and her his only wife, which I think is beautiful. I like to think I have him on loan from her."

"Tim thinks I'm being too unforgiving. They would have warmed up to me eventually, but knowing how generous I am being with their father has made them warm up quicker."

"I maintain I don't care about now or later. They already had their chance—twice—to not be catty brats over incorrect assumptions that I was taking advantage of him."

"I would never tell him not to see them, even if that meant them coming here. Yes, I own the house, but he lives here, so it's his home. I honestly love how much he loves."

"He loved his wife so much. He loves his girls so much. I feel like can't admire that about him and then put limits on it for him."

"They've never made bimbo bartender comments to me before. At Christmas they straight didn't talk to me."

"Tim usually steps out of the room to talk to them on the phone because they talk about their mother a lot and he wanted to be respectful to me."

"I think it never really occurred to Tim that they didn't like me for reasons other than that I was a woman who was not their mum with their dad, until the argument about his new car."

"I'm really trying not to assume the worst of them! Just want to protect my peace and, no, I would never make him choose."

"I know I'm dating a widower with kids! I love his huge heart for his family, I just don't feel the need to be buddy buddy with them since they think so little of me without ever speaking to me."

"To me the timing feels... off."

"Tim says his girls wouldn't do that—cosy up to me for money. He thinks this abrupt turn around is because they are grateful to me for helping their father."

"He might be right, he knows them so much better than me, but again... I've got a pretty good gut instinct about people when it comes to finding out I have money."

"Then again I have been wrong. It's hard to know. As you can see I'm thinking myself around in circles, part of why I came to AITA for feedback."

The OP summed up their situation.

"I am wondering if I am the a**hole because I've never lost a parent the way Tim's daughters did with their mum. My parents are alive, just kinda distant—emotionally and geographically."

"I'm sure there is trauma there and maybe Tim's right, I am being too unforgiving in my stance. I also don't know the girls except through Tim's stories of them."

"He is the better judge of their characters than me. Maybe I do judge them too harshly for the timing of this sudden overture of friendship."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"I think it's quite telling that they're upset their father appeared to spend money on a car that wasn't 15 years old so he could visit them more often/safely, and instead wanted that money spent on themselves."

"I'd be concerned they're warning up to the idea that they'll get your money. NTA." ~ Yenyenyenyena

"With all due respect, if he has too much pride to tell his daughters the truth about being broke, where is that pride when it comes to living off of you? NTA." ~ Extension-Issue3560

"This is a pile of BS. This guy is happy to use you, and happy to have his daughters sh*tting on you until they started sh*tting on him, and ONLY THEN he disclosed that he's living on your dime."

"He's in for your money and support, and he raised his daughters to be the same. Drop all that baggage. NTA." ~ Korlat_Eleint

"Putting myself in the situation as his daughters. It would be hard for me to see my dad move on especially to someone young and different than my mom after a tough death. Even as adults these type of things bring out the worst in a person."

"If he's a decent guy and he says his daughters are decent people then perhaps chalk it up to a sh*tty trauma response and them thinking you were using their poor sad sap dad."

"Knowing that someone cared for my dad enough to help him through an emotional and financially difficult period would mean a lot to me. It's possible they do appreciate you more now that they know you're helping their dad rather than taking advantage."

"I think it's in your best interest to accept the olive branch, but hold back a bit for your own security. You may end up gaining some bonus fun cast of characters in your life."

"Or you could learn they are douchey sh*t bags and you can tell Tim to keep his family separate. But there's only one way to find out."

"NTA, sometimes being an a**hole happens because life is hard and losing your mom sucks." ~ Itslikeazenthing

"NTA. You don't owe them a damn thing. That being said, they are his kids and you gotta consider that if you don't extend an olive branch that means he will be pulled in the middle and eventually push will come to shove. Is that something you're comfortable with?" ~ Stardust_Shinah

The OP offered some new thoughts on the matter after reading the comments.

"Right now I'm like, sure I can go back to doing my own Xmas with my cast of characters, did that for years before Tim and I got together."

"But what happens with birthdays, his 60th is coming up, thats a biggie. What happens when the girls have kids and he wants to go there more often."

"I asked Tim to move in with me so he'd have less stress in his life, not more..."

"I've been reading a bunch of comments so I'm leaning towards grief and miscommunication and concern for their Dad made me their Villain more than them being awful people."

"It's hard to imagine Tim raising nasty people to be honest, but man, now I'm kind angry all over again."

"Here's me, gleefully thinking I'll avoid all the 'stepkid' drama by dating someone whose kids are grown and married. More fool me!"

"I am leaning towards the idea of cautiously getting to know them after reading all the comments."

Establishing a relationship with her partner's kids is entirely up to OP. But for reasons she already listed, an olive branch now might save heartbreak later.