Marriage is a balancing act. The give and take between two people doesn’t have to be perfectly even, but getting close enough can feel difficult for some people.
That felt so true for Redditor Username-A1303, whose husband seems to put a lot on the stay-at-home mom (SAHM). The original poster (OP) got into a fight with her husband recently over some of her ‘duties.’
OP isn’t sure if she was being a jerk, and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about the situation.
Is OP being asked too much, or should she expect to help?
“AITA for telling my husband off for expecting me to prepare his bags?”
The situation has a few wrinkles in the mix.
“My husband works full time while I’m a stay at home mom with 3 kids. He splits child care 40/60 but lets me handle 100/100 of household chores from cleaning, cooking, vaccuming to shopping and whatnot saying it’s my duty in replacement of work hours.”
“We were ok with these arrangements. but days ago his mom invited him to his sister’s wedding. She didn’t invite me because the wedding is allegedly ‘child free’ but I guessed it was because of a fight we had 4 months ago over what school my eldest should attend.”
“I was hurt since I love sister inlaw. My husband said his mom is basically paying for the wedding and the list she had for the ‘uninvited’ is longer than the one she had for the ‘invited’ he advised me to not get too worked up over it and just focus on the kids while he’s gone.”
It’s hard to focus on the kids, when it’s clear that your MIL is being petty to get revenge.
“The night before his flight he asked that I put his things together and tossed me a list of what he needed. I gave it back and said I won’t do it.”
“He was puzzled asking why, I told him I was tired and went upstairs to sleep in the bedroom. moments later he barged in calling me petty for basically refusing to help him pack just because I wasn’t going too.”
“He said ‘Your problem is with my mom not me’” I told him why should I prepare his bags. he said because he’s busy and because I always do it.”
“I said yes but why should I do it this time, he said because of four letters ‘SAHM’ and it’s essentially part of my household chores. I told him off, said I won’t do it end of story and went back to sleep.”
“He threw a 3min fit then walked out then came back and turned the light on at 3am to pack preventing me from sleeping. I told him this was pathetic and he said he’s no match to how petty I am and ignored when I told him to turn the lights off repeatedly.”
“He went to the wedding, now he’s back looking agitated most of the time and keeping on complaining about the stance I took. AITA for not preparing the bags?”
OP refused to pack her husband’s bags despite always doing it previously, and seemingly because she was upset with her MIL. However, is it required she do it just because she’s a SAHM?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to pack her husband’s bags for his trip by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While it’s never nice to be uninvited to a wedding, OP’s refusal was a long time coming. Being left with 100% of the housework while her husband lived in the house too is torture.
Being a SAHM involves a lot of work, from rearing the kids to maintaining a clean house. Packing her husband’s bags before was a courtesy.
One that the commenters agreed that OP was NTA for refusing now.
“NTA. Your husband’s been treating you like crap for a long time. A SAHM with three kids should not be doing 100% of household chores.”
“And packing up your husband’s clothes is NOT a household chore, that’s basic taking care of yourself. He’s essentially claiming that he’s one of the children and you’re his mommy too.”
“Also, not inviting you because the wedding is childfree? You’re not a child. He doesn’t stand up for you to his family and treats you like a maid. It’s not a good look.” – Temporary_Badger
“In my opinion.. he shouldn’t have even gone to the wedding.. but again my opinion.”
“SAHM doesn’t not spell out servant.”
“You do household chores. That doesn’t include packing for a trip you aren’t taking. You aren’t his mother, a babysitter, etc.”
“And like I said.. he shouldn’t be going while you weren’t invited.. and expecting you to pack for him on top of it.” – 926dr
“The only reason he can even have a career is because you’re providing free childcare, free meal planning, free housekeeping, free cleaning services, free cooking. He should be paying you 2/3 of his wages because you do a lot more work than he does.”
“Instead, he treats you like sh**. Why do you stay married to someone who has absolutely no respect for you?” – tuttkraftverk
“NTA – your husband is basically treating you like a 24/7 servant instead of a wife. 100% of the chores should not be on you.”
“Just because you’re not earning money doesn’t mean you aren’t contributing to the family’s well being and care. Your husband should contribute 50/50 while he’s home.”
“Otherwise, he gets a 40 hour work week and you get, what, an 80-100 hour work week or more? That’s not a fair trade at all.”
“It’s like he’s punishing you for being a stay at home mom and that dynamic is toxic as f***.”
“I’m a house spouse, we have no kids, and while I do most of the housework, there are still chores my wife is responsible for. And they would never, in a million years, demand that I pack a bag for them in the middle of the night.”
“His lack of planning isn’t your emergency.” – Hot-Tie8062
“NTA. You’re his wife, not his valet. Packing for a trip that he’s going on alone is no more a ‘household chore’ than getting dressed for work in the morning– it’s a personal task that someone is responsible for doing for themselves.”
“If anyone is an AH in this situation it’s him and his petty sister and mother. It’s pretty basic courtesy when inviting a married person to a wedding to include their spouse as well.”
“It’s really troubling that your husband is ok going someplace where his wife is not welcome.” – joanclaytonesq
“NTA, but what’s up with your arrangement? He should still contribute to the household regardless of your SAH status.”
“He’s treating you like his mommy and maid. His tantrum is disgusting and abusive too. He honestly sounds completely unappealing as a husband and person in general.” – UpsideDreamingDown
Once it was clearly established that OP was NTA for this, commenters turned their attention to an underappreciated part of this story.
What went down between OP and her MIL to cause this kind of fallout?
“NTA- SAHM or not, you’re not his servant. He’s an adult and can pack his own bag.”
“Also, related but unrelated, why is his mother having any say on what school your eldest child attends, unless I read that wrong? I just don’t get why someone is holding that against you re: a wedding invite. Very petty.” – imarebelpilot
“My mom is like this. My oldest nephew was just enrolled into kindergarten and from what I gather, she’d been very insistent that he go to Catholic school and was disappointed to learn that he was enrolled into public schools instead.”
“Some people feel entitled to lord over everyone else’s lives because they think they know everything.” – Comestible
“NTA same as last time. I don’t see any updates that warrant a change in my vote.”
“Your husband should be standing up for you. Your mother in law should not be restricting you from the wedding at all, let alone for some fight you guys had. It’s not even about your mother in law, it’s not her wedding.”
‘She’s using the event to attack you and your husband is letting her.”
“Your husband isn’t married to your mom. You are. He should be standing by you, you’re his wife and you’re at home watching his kids while he goes to the wedding that you’re being manipulated to not attend by an apparent narcissist.”
“The bags still don’t even come into the picture here. They’re irrelevant.” – made-red
OP’s husband should be grateful for everything she does to take care of the children and their house. And he needs to start standing up for his wife in light of the issue his mother is getting petty over.
If OP’s MIL ever gets a modicum of self-reflection, hopefully she’ll apologize to OP for everything she did to cause all these issues.