For many people, it takes a lot of trust and shattered walls to let people in on our insecurities.
Most of the time, only those closest to us are aware of the things that trigger us and can wreck us at our core.
Those are also the ones we hope acknowledge and consider those things that crack our confidence and also the ones we hope do their best to protect us from ever experiencing it.
We certainly don't expect them to ever be the ones to use our insecurities to break us.
But it happens.
A woman on Reddit doesn't want to have sex with her husband after he mocked her stutter while they were being intimate, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Chance-Ad9414 asked:
"AITAH for refusing to have sex with my husband because he made fun of my speech impediment?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"This is genuinely one of the most hurtful things that has happened to me throughout my marriage."
"I (f[emale]/24) have been married to my husband (m[ale]/32) for three years."
"Besides this, we've never had a big argument at all and I love him so much."
"However, two weekends ago, he made me cry for the first time ever."
"Basically when I was younger, I had a pretty bad speech impediment that my mom and dad put me in speech therapy for."
"I stuttered really bad and also pronounced my R's like W's chronically."
"Honestly, my parents caught it pretty late because they thought it was 'cute' so sometimes it still slips out."
"It happens a lot if I'm nervous or excited, or if I'm telling a long story but otherwise I talk fine."
"Well (and this is sexual content so please don't read further if your uncomfortable with that) two weekends ago, it was my husbands birthday."
"We did some things for him and i decided to dress up really nice for him, lingerie and everything."
"While we were having sex, I tried to say 'there' but it came out 'where' and my husband was like 'what?' Cause he thought I was asking him something."
"I was embarrassed because obviously that's an inopportune time, so as I tried to say 'never mind, nothing,' I stuttered pretty bad and couldn't get my words out."
"I watched my husband roll his eyes and pull away from me, staring at me to finish my words."
"That made me feel worse and he audibly said to me 'f**king god, spit it out.'"
"I just tried to stop talking after that and my husband was like 'what are you saying? No?' Because he could only hear the N's."
"I said no, I was trying to say never mind cause my words came out wrong."
"He was like 'okay then... just stop trying to talk.'"
"And I don't know why, but that made me cry."
"I was just so hurt that he literally didn't want me to speak because it was annoying to him."
"My husband seemed concerned for a second, but when he realized I was crying because of him, he was more annoyed than concerned."
"He just threw a shirt to me and laid down to sleep."
"He's been reluctant to apologize to me, but he did when I begged for one."
"He told me that he was just annoyed because he was excited because I got ready for him, and he thought I was saying no."
"He told me it isn't my speech that bothered him, but rather my actions."
"I don't know. It didn't make me feel better."
"So, the last two times he's tried to have sex with me again, I've told him no."
"I told him I want him to apologize clearly for making me cry during sex, no less."
"He told me that withholding sex is a really good way to make us hate each other for something that I perceived as worse than what it was."
"Is that true? AITAH for this?"
"I just feel like sh*t, and I have no idea what to do."
Fellow Redditors weighed in.
Many expressed that, first and foremost, OP shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to have sex with someone who made her feel so small.
"Withholding sex isn't about punishment. It's about you needing to feel safe and respected."
"He needs to understand that."
"If he can't apologize genuinely and try to understand your feelings, that's a big issue."
"You're definitely not the a**hole for wanting a sincere apology." - idolizedlamb
"Life-long stutterer here."
"Early speech therapy really helped so I probably only really...bog down... a few times a week."
"If I stutter in front of my wife, she is empathetic and caring."
"No judgment, no rush, no matter when it happens."
"That is the only proper response from a human being, spouse or not." - BigGriz1010
"Nta. Having sex with someone when you don't want to is obviously farrrr worse than withholding sex."
"Why is sex so important that he'll brush over your feelings" - Alive-Surround1280
"NTA I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
"It would eat away at me, to be mocked and your pain dismissed and ignored."
"Is it possible for you to seek counseling with a professional?"
"Because you absolutely do not need to have sex with anyone for any reason, and him laying guilt and blame on you over it is gross." - Ava_Lenore
"NTA. You aren't withholding sex as a manipulation tactic."
"You are not horny, aroused, or interested in sex with your husband until he gives you the BARE MINIMUM of a real heart-felt apology for hurting you."
"As unintentionally as it may unfolded in his end, he made you cry."
"He triggered your childhood trauma."
"After a night of sleep, anyone in their right mind would have apologized."
"He's doubled down by refusing. He'd rather pull a power struggle of not having to apologize than actually show love, and respect for his wife."
"Instead he thinks he can bully you into submission with a shame tactic of accusations of withholding for inappropriate reasons."
"Not only is he dismissive but he didn't even try to f**king comfort you in the moment or afterwards."
"Wtf?! Does your husband even like you?"
"I'd be on the couch or another room at this point, and not allowing him to sleep with me at all until therapy or I'd be filing for divorce."
"Who throws a shirt and goes back to sleep and then treats their spouse like that?"
"👎" - nonamebrand0
Others noted that her husband's actions, both in the moment and after, are huge red flags.
"In his scenario, he got mad at you for saying/wanting to say no."
"I know this isn't what happened, but how is he getting mad, treating you like sh*t, and making you cry, OK, all because you may have been telling him no?"
"NTA. Keep not f**king him all the way to a therapist." - Ok_Egg_471
"Let me get this straight, he thought you were saying 'no' and his reaction was that?"
"He realized he was the one to make you cry thereafter, and again his reaction was anger? What the f**k?"
"Let him read this whole thing."
"Yeah misunderstandings suck, but those true colors he flew in those vulnerable moments of yours... it's all very telling."
"NTA, OP. I can't believe you have to even ask, but I understand." - Whhyme00
And several mentioned that OP having to beg for an apology says all they need to know about her husband.
"Having to beg for an apology? No."
"After he made fun of your speech impediment?"
"What the f**k kind of a**hole does that?" - SoMoistlyMoist
"Withholding sex is a good way to make you hate each other?"
"So is berating your wife during sex, refusing to apologize, then trying to coerce her into sex or else he'll probably hate you, which he's implying."
"No, tell him that you aren't withholding sex, until he apologises you simply don't trust him to treat you right full stop, it has nothing to do with sex." - TwoBionicknees
"Omg your husband is an a**hole, I could never have sex with him again after that TBH."
"NTA at all" - MovieLover1993
"...you begged for an apology?"
"That's the reason a 30yo man married a 21yo."
"You put up with his BS and abuse."
"No one his age would be with him in any capacity if he said to them what he said to you" - Valuable-Ad-4911
"You have childhood trauma due to the stutter I assume he knows this."
"You were in a vulnerable situation and he treated you like crap."
"You had to BEG him to apologize?? Wtf!"
"Of course you don't want to have sex with him."
"He treated you like a sex doll by saying stop talking!"
"At that moment, when you two were as close as you could get, he ignored your hurt."
"Explain that to him! He needs to rebuild your trust." - softshoulder313
We hope OP feels a little better about her decision after reading comments from her fellow Redditors.
It sounds like some tough conversations are on the horizon, but no one should be made to feel the way OP felt both in the moment and now... especially not by a spouse.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.