In the workplace, especially when that job is important to us, we generally do what we can to make a good impression and complete satisfactory work.
It can be really frustrating when we feel like someone is getting in the way of that, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor boss-husband was frustrated and embarrassed when her husband stepped in and made a request for her with her boss, since he had a higher position in the company.
When she was accused of causing a scene at work, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she overreacted.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for getting angry at my husband for telling my manager to give me an extra-long lunch and causing a scene?”
The OP wanted to go back to work after staying at home.
“Before I got married, I used to have a job and I was trying to establish a career.”
“I didn’t exactly enjoy what I was doing, so when I had to give it all up after marriage, I didn’t think it was a big sacrifice at the time.”
“Unfortunately, being a housewife is also definitely not for me. I think if I had a child, I would’ve been happy being home, but as it was… I just felt useless.”
“My husband didn’t understand why I wanted a job and was against me working.”
“He finally agreed with the condition I would be working for him.”
The OP didn’t agree with her husband’s involvement in her work.
“I really enjoy the job and my colleagues are great. Very few people know I’m the boss’ wife as I wanted everybody to treat me how they would treat anybody else and I didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable having to work with me.”
“The issue is that my husband thinks that just because he’s the boss, he can tell me to take extra long lunches whenever he feels like it.”
“I’ve been refusing, so he decided it would be appropriate to tell my manager to give me 2 hours for lunch on Friday.”
“I was really upset when my manager told me and kept insisting I take 2 hours, instead of the usual 1 hour for lunch.”
The OP had an argument with her husband about the lunch.
“I went up to his office and confronted him. He thought I was going to go on a little lunch date with him, but instead, we had an argument.”
“He told me to stop raising my voice because I was causing a scene, but I was so upset, I never listened.”
“Eventually, he got angry and told me to go back to work and that he was telling me as the boss, not my husband.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some saw the OP’s work arrangement as problematic.
“NTA. Get another job, and if your husband won’t “allow” you to do so, get another husband.” – throwaway111oneone
“NTA get a new husband and a new job. Not allowing you to work for anyone besides him is abuse.” – AllThoseRedFlags
“Your husband is just LOL (laughing out loud).”
“Get a job somewhere else. He doesn’t have to give you permission to work or have your own life. Getting 2-hour long lunch is absurd and making you have one against your will is pretty controlling.” – Coco_Dirichlet
“Cause if they get p**sed off at OP for preferential treatment, she won’t want to work there. Then he will make her stay home again.” – MsLusty77
“NTA, definitely quit this job as these instances will become the norm. If you stay, the arguments and power plays will continue until one of you will blow up publicly, you will be outed as his wife, and then you will become a pariah amongst your colleagues.” – killerbekilled92
“NTA, but I’m a bit concerned by your husband’s behavior:”
“Why is he dictating where you’re allowed to work? You’re an adult should be able to decide where you work.”
“He insists you work at his company, under his authority. Most people would rather not have their spouse or family member as their employee because then the line between work and family is very blurred.”
“He is using his spousal status to dictate your schedule. About the long lunch break, he didn’t ask you, he tried to push you to go on a longer break regardless of what you were telling him.”
“He switches to his boss role when you disagree with him. The second you disagree with him and stand up for yourself, suddenly he’s your boss and talks to you like a boss.”
“All of this sounds very controlling as if he wants you under his thumb at all times. When you’re home, have a talk with him to establish that at work, you’re the employee and will not accept special favor, and that you will look for other jobs if he doesn’t cut it.”
“I really think that working elsewhere would benefit you, it would be a stress taken away. But that talk needs to happen, maybe with a relationship counselor to help guide the conversation.” – The_Death_Flower
“There’s a reason mixing business and personal relationships isn’t generally a great idea. You’re quite correctly trying to keep your business and personal roles separate, but your husband isn’t.”
“He wants to mix those rules – but only when it suits him. He was quite happy to play the boss role to shut you down. He can’t have it both ways.”
“If he’s unwilling or unable to maintain a strict separation between business and pleasure, he shouldn’t be your boss.”
“NTA.” – ArcanTemival
Others were concerned by the OP’s husband’s controlling behavior.
“Honestly, it seems like a planned attack on OPs work relationships on the husband’s part. One of the reasons controlling partners don’t want the partner to work is to isolate them.”
“OP wasn’t going to drop wanting to work, so he ‘hires’ her. That way he shuts her up, still has control over her pay, her money, and the ability to take it away (fire her) at will.”
“But the second problem, the isolation. OP might make friends here, might have a support group, so he forces longer breaks. Something that OPs coworkers are 100% going to notice and become bitter about.”
“And so get to control his wife’s time, proving he still has control AND cuts her off from the rest of the office by giving her blatant special treatment.” – Confident_Profit_210
“NTA. OP, you’re being financially abused. You are a grown adult and not ‘allowed’ to work where you want. You should be very concerned.”
“I wouldn’t stay around.” – OsaBear92
“NTA. Why did you have to stop working after getting married? Why do you have to work for him??”
“This dude is controlling as f**k. If he wants to be so ridiculous to demand you get extra long lunches, he can suffer the consequences of being ridiculous.” – siliciclastic
“Husband is the AH, he can’t keep flip-flopping like that between treating you like his wife, his employee, his wife, and his employee, and expect to still be married.”
“You’re not his puppet, and let him know that if he wants a lunch date with you in the middle of a workday, he has to clear it with you first. Dates are not one-sided decisions.”
“Honestly, it’s absurd you had to get his approval to get a job in the first place, let alone he got to choose where you worked.”
“Raising your voice was valid because it seems like he keeps deflecting your wishes and smothering you with his own. You deserve to be heard and you deserve your own happiness. Individuality is what makes marriage special; that two people can become one team. Not one person.” – RandomMaybeNotExpert
“NTA. You are being ethical about your position in his company. He is not. Makes me wonder if he plays favorites as a general rule. (I don’t expect him to be a good boss based on what you said.)”
“My husband didn’t understand why I wanted a job and was against me working. He finally agreed with the condition I would be working for him.”
“He’s your husband, not your lord and master. Although of course, spouses talk with one another about jobs, financial situation, etc.”
“But especially since you don’t have little kids to take care of at home, he has zero legs to stand on in telling you if you can get a job or where you can get a job.”
“You don’t need his permission to go work somewhere else. Not unless you live in a country where society and/or laws have deemed women to be the property of their husbands.”
“In which case, I feel sorry for you and I hope all the women in your country rise up and overthrow the government, as they should.” – twitchydigits
The subReddit was seriously concerned by what the OP shared about her living and work situations with her husband.
It should have totally been the OP’s decision whether or not to work, but she also should probably be in a work situation where her husband wasn’t her boss.
Adding in a power dynamic like being someone’s boss can really impact the relationship dynamic of the OP’s marriage.