When it comes to gift giving, as the old saying goes, "it's the thought that counts."
Presents don't always have to be lavish or expensive, but should always have some meaning to them, or at least the tiniest bit of effort should be put into finding them.
People also tend to have higher expectations when receiving gifts or presents from certain people.
As a result, when these people seem to put no thought whatsoever in the presents they give, the unwrapping process tends to come with a less than ceremonious reaction.
When arriving for her older sister's birthday dinner, Redditor Imaginary_Mine_1920 was surprised to find her sister's boyfriend hadn't yet arrived.
The original poster (OP) would soon learn, however, that this was owing to the fact that her sister was planning a surprise attack of sorts on her boyfriend.
Owing to the underwhelming birthday presents he gave the OP's sister.
Not exactly excited to take part in this plan, the OP made the call to warn her sister's boyfriend what he was about to get himself into.
Resulting in his skipping dinner altogether, and the OP's sister becoming absolutely furious.
Wondering if they overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for warning my sister's boyfriend she wanted our parents to confront him at dinner?"
The OP explained why she felt compelled to warn her sister's boyfriend that he was heading for a less than pleasant evening:
"My (23 F[emale]) family went out for dinner a few days ago to celebrate my sister(26 F) Jenn's birthday."
"When we got to the restaurant Jenn was already there alone."
"She said she told her boyfriend Blake the time got pushed back 30 minutes because she needed to talk to us alone."
"Jenn was mad at Blake for not getting her any birthday gifts and only took her out to dinner to a place they go to often."
"Our parents understood her being upset and she asked if they would try talking to him because she couldn't get Blake to understand how hurtful that was."
"I asked her if she had given him her usual 'present' for his birthday or last holiday and Jenn said that wasn't important."
"For context, my sister's idea of a gift for her partner is lingerie and sex, and only ever that."
"I don't know about her past relationships but I do know in the 2 years they've been together, I've heard and seen Blake give her gift ideas for him and he winds up buying them for himself after the fact."
"He's come to Christmas at our house with gifts for Jenn and Jenn always shows up empty handed for him saying she'd give him his present later."
"I told Jenn it sounded like she got as good as she gives whereas our parents said I should be concerned someone would be dismissive and vindictive toward my sister."
"Our parents said they'd think about talking to him based on his behavior when he arrived."
"So I text Blake that Jenn was setting him up for a lecture."
"He wound up not showing up."
"Last night Jenn called me, angry."
"She saw my text to him and realized my text was the reason he canceled and accused me of not having her back and she's told our parents I butt into their relationship but I figure she was trying to get us involved in her relationship anyway."
"I probably could have just stayed quiet but at the time it didn't sit right with me what she was trying to do."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for warning Josh about Jenn's plan.
Everyone agreed that not only did Jenn need to be called out for her hypocritical behavior, but she had no business telling the OP to stay out of her relationship, when she literally invited her and her parents to get involved:
"NTA."
"Let's ignore that Jenn is in the wrong and concentrate on your involvement."
"Jenn invited (nay, urged) her parents to meddle in her relationship."
"She has no moral high ground to object to her sister also meddling."
"In fact, if you had meddled in her favor, she'd have been really happy about it."
"You did the right thing in warning Blake about the three-person ambush."- extinct_diplodocus
"She don't get her bf a gift for any occasion but expects him to get her something then to bring the family in on it and try to bash him for not getting her a gift is crazy."
"NTA for giving him the heads up."- Full_Incident1450
"NTA."
"She pulled you all in her relationship and then wanted sympathy when it wasn't warranted."
"Your sister doesn't sound like relationship material for Blake."
"Kinda self-absorbed."
"You did right to warn him ahead of time."
"The only thing I wonder is why he felt it important to share your text with her?"- Sea-Tea-4130
"NTA."
"Next time Blake should leave out the dinner altogether and just get her some sex, too."- StAlvis
"NTA."
"I would have wanted a heads up if I was walking into a trap too."
"Jenn seems very selfish based on what you have said here."
"It's also kind of sh*tty that she is assuming Blake wants sex as a present?"
"Intimacy is special, completely separate from a birthday or Christmas gift?"- CanAhJustSay
"NTA."
"Jenn already lied to Blake about the time of the dinner, and she doesn't consider what he might need or want for a birthday gift."
"They don't really sound long-term compatible."
"I think you did the decent thing in giving him the heads-up, although he should still have attended."
"Your parents sound like they indulge Jenn, and she has therefore never learned to take the consequences of her own actions."- CanAhJustSay
"NTA."
"The audacity of your sister and your parents to gang up on a dude over birthday gifts."
"Absolutely not ok."
"Super gross actually."
"I'm glad you warned him."- Complete-Design5395
"NTA."
"Blake deserves better."- Fievel93
"NTA."
"If anything, you gave your sister a window of time to save her relationship."
"Because even though I can't speak for all dudes, most would break up immediately after an ambush like that."- AppropriateListen981
"Kinda sounds like the bf is just matching your sister's energy, lol."
"NTA."
"Your sister sounds like a child asking mommy and daddy to fight her battles, and setting her bf up for a lecture by her parents is hugely uncalled for."
"What is she, 12?"
"You probably shouldn't have stepped into it at all."
"Now you're getting yelled at for interfering."
"Sometimes it's best to sit back and watch."
"Either way, let's hope the bf can finally see the red flags flying."- IamIrene
The OP later returned with an update, shedding some light on her own relationship with Jenn and Jenn's relationship with her parents, as well as an update as to where her relationship with Josh currently stood:
"Thank you everyone for the responses."
"I wouldn't say my sister is the golden child since we were treated equally growing up, more than our parents are family first no matter what."
"This is not the first time she's tried getting others to fight her battles; it's just the first time she's done it in public and with our parents."
"I do not know if our parents know her gift-giving, but it's pretty easy to figure out based on her comments, which are the same as every boyfriend she's had since high school."
"And no, I do not have feelings for Blake, I have a boyfriend of my own I love very much."
"They are broken up, and as some of you guessed, Jenn is blaming me, but honestly, I wasn't expecting to come through unscathed after I warned him."
"I got the news from our mother, who called earlier to hark on me not backing my sister up against a man who disregarded her wishes on an important day and bailed."
"I told Mom there are times you absolutely do have your family's back, but when your daughter only ever forwards Nature's gift card to her partners on gift-giving occasions, knowing they've asked for something else, and then involves the entire family for getting her process turned around on her, isn't it?"
"Instead of agreeing to a public intervention, she should've told Jenn to leave us out of it and keep it between them."
"Maybe shut down Jenn's 'all men need is sex to be happy' rhetoric years ago, and maybe she'd have a son-in-law by now."
"So that's all that."
"Thanks again, I think I'm going to go buy some 'just for the hell of it' gifts for my own boyfriend."
We've all been let down or disappointed by a present at least once.
But it seems that Jenn's issues are much bigger than the presents she does and doesn't receive from her boyfriends.
As she seems to think relationships are based on material goods, and doesn't need to equally reciprocate.
Perhaps if she thinks more carefully about what the OP says, she might change her dating habits for the better.
Something the OP's parents might hopefully help her with one day as well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp