Baby names seem to be another topic rife with drama. Everyone has an opinion and no trouble voicing it.
It's not just conflict between the parents of the child either. Extended family and even friends get involved in the fray.
Family naming traditions, when to reuse or not reuse a name and personal preferences can cause hurt feelings and outright animosity.
A mom-to-be found herself and her husband at odds with her family over the middle name for her unborn child. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor TechnicianFearless56 asked:
"AITA for ending a family naming tradition by not giving my son my late nephew's name as his middle name even though my sister has said she wants me to?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My family have always had this tradition where the first child born after the loss of someone in the family gets the late family member's name as their middle name."
"My sister and I both have those middle names. Hers is Patricia after a cousin of our mom's and mine is Denise after my dad's aunt."
"Almost a year ago my sister lost her 2 day old son, Philip. He was the last family member we lost and it was a huge, earth shattering blow for our family."
"I found out I was pregnant a few months ago. I waited a while to tell anyone and my sister was the first person we told, privately."
"When I told her she said it would be nice to have some positive news to focus on and she wanted me to continue the tradition our family keeps and give my baby, if a boy, the middle name Philip."
"She was so happy about the idea. It surprised me a lot. I would have figured she would not be okay with it. But she wanted it."
"The problem is my husband and I do not want to continue with the tradition. We do not want to give our son the middle name Philip."
"The name isn't one either of us likes or would ever pick ourselves... We have not announced the sex of our baby yet but my husband and I know we are expecting a boy."
"My family were saying how amazing it will be if my baby is a boy and Philip's name can be carried on... I suggested they wait until we announce the sex and the name before jumping to conclusions."
"They asked why and I said we were thinking of not continuing with the tradition. My family, and by that I mean my parents mostly, were really upset."
"My sister was the worst though. She asked why I wouldn't want to honor Philip and why it was him the tradition was getting broken on."
"She asked if I saw him as meaning so little and I said no, of course not. Then she asked if it was his name and we didn't like it."
"She said she really hoped it wasn't that. I said we just didn't feel like the tradition was something we wanted to continue."
"The decision has brought up a lot of bad feelings and my sister is especially angry and thinks I'm being insensitive and showing how little I care for my nephew. I feel terrible."
"She's so angry at me and my parents are unhappy as well. My husband hates them for putting this pressure on us."
"He said we should be allowed to name our son what we want and we should not be obliged to use a certain name. I never wanted to be an a**hole but my family believes I am."
"AITA?"
The OP added:
"I was never fully committed to continuing with it. To me there were always negatives in it."
"But it's a big factor now considering my husband doesn't like the name either."
"It was known I didn't really want to continue it. But I think my family assumed that over time I would grow to love the tradition like they do."
The OP summed up their dilemma.
"I am ending a family tradition and not giving my son my late nephew's middle name despite my sister wanting me to."
"I know how much this means to my family and especially my sister and I can't help but feel like I am doing the wrong thing and causing them more pain after we all suffered a loss, but especially my sister."
"I wish it wouldn't be a fight. But I also know my husband would be unhappy if we use the name just to keep my family happy."
"We have both also considered if someone else in the family passes before we have a second child and we're then obligated to keep doing it."
"My sister loves the tradition. We were always different on where we stood with it. But I think the tradition plays into why for her in a huge way."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors agreed the expectant parents were not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You and your husband have the right to name your child whatever you want. However, your family also has the right to be hurt. Not only is this a tradition, but it's a tradition that honors people the family has lost."
"Keep in mind how rarely a middle name is actually used. Is this something you are willing to create a fight over? (As you say your husband 'hates' your family for putting so much pressure on the name.)" ~ aj_alva
"NTA - it may be a tradition for your family, but it's not for your partner. This baby is both yours and your partners, so it's up to you both how you go about naming your child."
"I understand your family's feelings, but these expectations that someone else who had nothing to do with deciding these traditions will just go with it also seem too one-sided." ~ RefrigeratorFun4676
"NTA There's a saying that traditions are peer pressure from the dead." ~ shammy_dammy
Some felt strongly the OP was the a**hole (YTA) and explained why in great detail.
"YTA. Look, some traditions are stupid. A lot of out-dated, bigoted, and even dangerous ideas and activities are carried on through tradition, passed down from a time when people thought and behaved in very different ways."
"That's obviously a bad thing, and such traditions should be identified and uprooted. But tradition as a concept is an important part of any culture, whether that culture is a religion, a country, or just a single family lineage."
"It's a shared experience that's unique to its adherents, and can strengthen one's sense of familiarity and belonging with others who partake in it."
"If a group follows a certain tradition for long enough, then that tradition can come to be an identifier of that group. At that point, rejection of the tradition can often be interpreted as rejection of the group itself."
"So. If you use Philip as a middle name, it will help your sister in her grief for her son. It will help her heal. It will create a stronger connection between the two of you, and among the family itself."
"On the other hand, you don't really like the name.
"If you don't name the kid Philip, your sister will be devastated. Your family will consider it a rejection of a core value that is deeply important to them."
"They might distance themselves from you, not as an overt punishment meant to manipulate, but because they genuinely don't like you as much. The middle name you choose for him instead might be stupid."
"On the other hand, you'll like the name you pick better."
"Even giving your side more weight because you're the parent, I don't see how you win this one. It's a MIDDLE name. Just give him two. One you like, one for your sister."
"Also, have you considered that your son might like the name Philip a lot? And if he doesn't...he can change it?" ~ Nerethi
"YTA. It's a middle name which no one ever uses, cheer up your sister who's grieving and honor YOUR nephew."
"You have the perfect way to honor him and I feel like any other sane person I know would beg to honor their nephew if they had this beautiful tradition in their family."
"Why lie and hurt everyone in your family over a middle name?"
"I mean if your family was horrible to you growing up and you have minimal contact with them, then f'k tradition, but you seem to have a good relationship with your sister, and I feel soo bad that your true colors only showed during one of the darkest things that could happen to a mother (your sister)."
"I hope you have a change of heart because you sound super selfish. My condolences to your sister." ~ mrmillan323
While others felt there were a lot of hurt feelings, but no a**holes here.
"NAH. Look, you get to name your kid whatever you want, but your sister is entitled to her feelings, and she will NEVER be able to fully believe that your choice to break with tradition isn't some sort of slight of her or the 2-day old baby she lost."
"That kind of thing is going to hurt her for the rest of her life. If you want her to feel less hurt by it, you could start by explaining why (say) you never wanted to carry on that tradition, and it isn't about her."
"But even if you do, she's entitled to her feelings."
"In short, it's your choice, but your choice has consequences." ~ nylonvest
"I'd probably just give my kid the middle name too. How often do most people ever really use their middle names? I know some people choose to, but that would be their kid's choice after they get older anyway."
"That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with the OP not wanting to continue the tradition if they don't want to, and there's nothing wrong with the family being disappointed by OP's decision. NAH." ~ ryazaki
"NAH. You do not ever have to follow tradition if your heart isn't in it."
"That said, if Phillip had been my baby, this would genuinely break my heart. So I don't blame her for an emotional reaction." ~ cb1977007
Hopefully the baby is a girl, and the OP can avoid the issue completely.
Otherwise, it doesn't sound like there's any path forward where someone won't be upset.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.