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Woman Balks After Black Foster Child’s Extended Family Refuse To Let Her Adopt Her Because She’s White

Photo by Zach Lucero/Unsplash

There are so many children who need a home and love out there.

The foster care system is overloaded and broken.

How we’ll fix it, is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Case in point…

Redditor Fresh-Search-2723 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for attempting to adopt a child?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“Throwaway for obvious reasons… basically I’m (36 F[emale]) a foster carer and have been for nearly 10 years.”

“I’ve had all kinds of kids – boys, girls, toddlers and teenagers.”

“I’ve had a mix of races in my home and I always try my best to make them feel at home as best as I can.”

“Some kids stay longer than others, I usually keep kids here for less than a year, just the way it works out sometimes.”

“I have one little girl in my care right now – 4 year old girl named P, and mixed race Black (her mum is Black, which is the side of the family giving me grief right now).”

“P has been here since xmas of 2020, and was too young to really understand why she was in foster care (from what I understand, drugs and alcohol the main issue).”

“She has two older siblings who live in a group home who are too young to care for her.”

“Recently though, her social worker asked me if I would be open to adoption, which of course I would be.”

“But when word of this got out to her parents (who both agreed to it), her mum’s side of the family have flipped out and said no way they can allow this to happen.”

“From what I understand, their main issue is that I’m White and will never be able to raise a child understanding Black culture, which I 100% completely agree.”

“But they have known that P has been here for over a year, and not once requested a visit or for her to be moved into their care (I’m talking grandparents, aunts and an uncle).”

“The minute it looked permanent, they have an issue.”

“I take really good care of her, to the best of my ability.”

“I research hair styles for Black kids because she has 4C hair and needed it looked after.”

“She’s enrolled at a local community center that encourages local Black kids (we live in London) in sports.”

“And I’ve actively encouraged her in playing guitar, something she now loves.”

“Her parents have already said they think this is the best move forward.”

“But her mum’s family are intent on fighting this every step of the way, which makes me think as a White woman, I might be in the wrong here.”

“There are certain things I will never understand.”

“And I can only try to teach her the best I can.”

“P tells the social worker she is happy with me and I would love to keep her with me.”

“But AITA for this move?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.

It’s a tricky situation.

Let’s hear some thoughts…

“This is true in nearly every parent-child relationship.”

“‘You’d never understand’ is the rallying cry for teens across the world.”

“Some things, parents most definitely understand. Some things are unique to our child’s upbringing and particular circumstances and we can’t.”

“Cross-cultural issues are always a challenge, too.”

“But just because you didn’t grow up in a particular culture, with particular pressures put on people, doesn’t mean that you can’t be a good mom.”

“Good on you for being a great foster parent.”

“Great that both P and her social worker think you’d be a good long-term parent.”

“NTA.”  ~ Perdendosi

“I think you, OP, are already her mom.”

“She’s been with you over a year with little to no contact with family.”

“You’re her life now. Sometimes in adoption race does matter.”

“I don’t think this is one of those times.”  ~ littlestgoldfish

“It sounds to me like her parents are thinking of her future.”

“And see that she is happy and thriving in your care while bio mom’s family are more concerned with tertiary needs that do not necessarily need to be fulfilled by a parent.”

“You can continue to seek out resources and others to help you fulfill those needs.”

“There is no need to uproot her from a loving, stable home in order for her to participate and understand her cultural heritage.”  ~ Disastrous_Lunch_899

“Transracial adoption is a very complicated thing, and experts have mixed opinions on it.”

“I can also respect that P’s family has conflicting feelings about it.”

“None of this simple.”

“But you are NTA.”

“The fact that you’re even asking all these questions suggests that you recognize the complexity, you’re willing to do your homework, and you’re not viewing yourself as some White Savior.”

“Keep up all those thoughtful efforts, and most importantly, keep supporting that vulnerable little girl.”

“P’s needs are infinitely more important that the adults’ opinions.”  ~MindDeep2823

“This made me cry a little actually.”

“I spent a lot of time in foster care, and while most of them were nice enough to me.”

“I know that they only ever saw it as a means of payment every month.”

“I don’t think any of them would have ever cared enough to adopt me.”

“NTA. It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going and she’s happy.”

“She sounds settled and thriving.”

“The hair thing is my favorite thing you said, from what I know from friends, that type of hair can be difficult to maintain so well done on the effort!”  ~ IrnBruDependant

“NTA. If her maternal family are so concerned, they could either figure out how to take her in themselves or work with you to be a positive influence in her life.”

“That little girl deserves a stable home.”  ~ 0biterdicta

“NTA and as a black woman I commend you for taking the time to research and learn about her hair.”

“It’s obvious that you’re encouraging the ‘black’ side and will continue to make her aware of both sides of her life.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a white woman raising a black child and clearly her parents agree, if the family were truly bothered then they would have at least tried for access but they didn’t.”

“And now they want to cry 😡 no they don’t get to do that, you adopt P and carry on being the wonderful loving mum that you clearly are.”

“No one is going to look at you strange, you live in London so seeing children and parents of different races is as common as anything.”

“It’s the same in Liverpool where I am, my daughter is mixed race and you’d think she was white with her blue eyes and natural blonde hair.”

“The only time people commented was about her eyes, just like the only time they should comment about p is to say how cute she is.”

“Good luck to both of you and don’t worry you’ll do just fine. xx” ~ WebExpensive3024

“NTA. Short of banning interracial adoptions, which is just a nightmare idea, there will always be a cultural barrier of sorts.”

“That said, as long as you’re not ignoring that barrier or pretending it doesn’t exist, you’re doing the best job you can.”

“Researching her hair type and getting her into a community center with peers is a great place to start.”

“I’m sure as she grows, you’ll find more ways to bridge that gap together.”

“Her parents agree to it. Her social worker agrees to it. Do it. Adopt P and continue to love the hell out of her.”  ~ MadamMarshmallows

“NTA – You’re not the A but please don’t allow anyone to belittle your concerns transracial adoptee trauma.”

“You should absolutely do research about transracial adoption to be sure you’re prepared to give this child the life and support she deserves.”  ~ cowboysuga

“NTA. What matters here is what is best for P, she has a safe loving home with you and it sounds like no relationship at all with her mum’s family.”

“The last thing she needs is to be taken away from what is probably the only home she can remember.”

“Plus you sound like you have been very mindful of keeping her connected to her culture.”

“If they wanted to be involved in her life they could have done that it just seems like they want to stir up trouble.”  ~ TamWings

“NTA. All that matters is what’s best for P.”

“If the parents, who were deemed unfit to care for her, are signing off on you adopting her, that’s pretty telling right there.”

“Sounds like you’ve done some research to help in areas you were obviously unfamiliar with, you’ve socialized her, helped her learn new hobbies, and helped her grow as a child.”

“That’s exactly what a mother is supposed to do, and I genuinely hope you get to adopt her and help her continue to grow.”  ~ uhhuhokaythen30

It’s pretty clear Reddit believes in OP and all she is doing.

Let’s hope P’s extended family can listen to her parents who agree with the adoption.

Not every foster child is lucky enough to find a forever home.