Bad habits are hard to break.
The habit can be innocuous but still be detrimental.
What happens, though, when someone's bad habit shows no sign of going away regardless of it's impact on you?
This was the situation that brought Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Keanulove99 to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
She asked:
"AITA for canceling movie night with my boyfriend after what he did?"
First, the setup.
"I'm a movie lover I love watching tv shows and movies (like 'Star-Trek', 'The Greatest Showman', 'Star Wars')."
"And I have tons of favorite actors like Jake Gyllinghaal and Robert Dinero and Keanu (ugh) Reeves!"
"I even have rituals for when I watch movies. Especially new ones."
Then the problem.
"My boyfriend 'Andy' and I have movie night every Thursday (together for 9 months btw we don't live together)."
"He has a habit of googling spoilers whenever we're watching a movie for the first time."
"It may not be a big deal but...I hate it!"
OP expressed why it was so problematic.
"I hate when he does that! It ruins the mood, the excitement of the movie and so far he's ruined over 14 (what would've been) great watching experiences."
"He did it again after I had a talk with him about it."
"He says he just can't help it but I said I can't let him ruin the one thing I'm so madly interested in."
"I can't even enjoy our Thursday movie night anymore because of it. He said I was right and promised he won't do it again."
"Heck! he even promised he won't keep his phone with him and will leave it elsewhere."
"This past Thursday he came over to my place so we could watch a new movie together."
"I prepared pop corn and drinks and we sat on the sofa and started watching."
"It was a great movie choice I was in the mood/excited to see how events turn out."
Andy, it seemed, had learned to control the habit.
"Andy's phone was in the kitchen so I didn't have to worry when he started moving in the sofa looking uncomfortable."
Until...
"I kept staring at the screen and in few minutes I heard 'tic tic tic tic tic' keyboard sound!."
"I turned my face and saw Andy had my phone in his hand and was seemingly looking up spoilers for the movie."
"I was like 'you know? YOU KNOW! What the hell did you do that for, you also took my phone?'"
"I got mad he just kept smiling at me with his sharp teeth. He promised he won't spoil it for me and I can trust him this time to not say anything."
"I took my phone back hoping I'd still find out what happens in the movie on my own. He kept harassing me asking if I wanted him to tell me what was going to happen at the end."
"I said no."
"Minutes later he spoke up and said 'hey babe I just wanted to tell you that XYZ will happen at the end'. "
"I blew up, I yelled calling him unbearable and selfish to have ruined yet another great movie-watching experience."
OP decided to put a stop to it.
"He said he wanted to ease my mind about the ending after seeing me so worked up like that but I said I was done and canceled our Thursday movie night and will have a girl night in with my girls instead."
Andy did not take it well.
"He got offended saying overreacted over a movie and that he was hurt after I canceled our 'special night' of the week together."
"We usually end up having sex later on so I get why this was a big deal for him."
Later,
"He left and then texted me later saying I ruined the night and was hard on him since this is a habit of his that's hard to get rid of but he's trying and I'm not giving him a chance."
"He wants me to reconsider."
Frustrated, OP sought out the wisdom of Reddit, wondering how best to proceed.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were impressed with OP's perseverance.
"NTA - Surprised you let him ruin 14 films before blowing up."
"It would be close to a deal-breaker for me if he can't stop it, but I would certainly stop watching movies with him."~m0dera
Others pointed out that this seemed less about a habit and more about Andy enjoying it.
"Soooo one would think you would not be in the mood anytime he looked up the ending."
"Personally, I think he's getting some sort of sick pleasure out of ruining the movies for you since he literally did it within minutes of you telling him not to tell you how it ended."~Saberise
There was a discussion about how rude the behavior is.
"NTA - I admit... I spoil movies for myself but I would never ever share anything I have read with anyone else."
"That is just rude."
"That is also a red flag because if he can so easily ignore you over something small..he is not going to do it for anything else."~justkillintime99
Trust became a focus, too.
"What if she told him a 'spoiler' [very personal detail] about herself?].
"I wouldn't trust that guy with any information whatsoever. And you can't have an intimate relationship like that."
"OP should dump him."~Helenium_autumnale
There was even a concern that the behavior might escalate.
"NTA - this is horribly toxic. I feel it's super manipulative he would make it seem like you are the unreasonable one. Is it worth it?" ~MauiValleyGirl
Also,
"Also, don't date people who violate your boundaries repeatedly and then act like they're the victim when you predictably react."
"That's what abusers do."
"NTA"~LeeLooPeePoo
Bad habits are hard to break.
It is important, though, to set boundaries and stick to them.
Hold your friends to the standards you need and do not be afraid to keep them accountable for breaking those standards.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments
Dating can be really hard, because let's be honest, as fun as it's supposed to be, there are some very strange prospects out there.
While some might just be socially awkward, there are definitely some walking red flags, ready to push every boundary, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_End_441 had been talking to a guy for a little while and was planning to go on a first date with him when he started sending her increasingly inappropriate text messages.
But when his texts went far past her comfort zone, especially for someone she'd never met, the Original Poster (OP) planned to call off the date and truly never meet the guy in real life.
She asked the sub:
The OP had been talking to a guy and was looking forward to going on a first date with him.
"For context, I (30 Female) met this guy online and have been talking to him the past few days."
"He asked me out, and we planned a date for today. He seems really nice so far."
"I like him, but he’s made a couple of comments that maybe seem like a red flag to me."
"First off, I did my nails for the date, and he asked me to send him a picture, so I did."
"Then he made some comment like, 'Those would look great wrapped around something.'"
"I kinda brushed it off because I know that’s how some guys are... but it did give me the ick a little."
"Then I asked him to tell me more about himself, and the second thing he told me was that he has a high sex drive."
The potential date texted:
The OP no longer liked the idea of dating the guy.
"Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m wondering what reason you would need to tell this to someone you haven’t even met yet."
"I didn’t think he would be expecting sex on a first date, but this made me rethink."
"I’m also recovering from a surgery that I had three weeks ago, and he knows this. So that literally isn’t even an option for me, not that I would wanna do that on a first date anyway."
The OP considered never meeting the guy in person.
"I kind of feel like he’s making too many sexual comments too quickly, especially considering I didn’t engage with his first comment at all."
"Am I overreacting, feeling like I maybe want to cancel the date and block him?"
"I just feel like these comments are an indicator of his expectations... or maybe he is just 'being a guy'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some had second-hand "ick" from reading that text message.
"NOR. My face when I read that text: [Dan Levy from 'Schitt's Creek']" - Unlikely_Captain_499
"I’d nope out right after the nails comment. After I blast him for being completely out of line." - WHYohWhy__MEohMY
"If he’s that comfortable saying stuff like that before he meets you, imagine what he’ll say after he knows you better." - ScrambledNoggin
"Gross. That joke should be saved for wife or long-term girlfriend where you know you'll get a laugh... or more accurately, an eye-roll and a 'threat' to not sleep with him for the next three months, LOL." - HovercraftIII1258
"Every time I get my nails done, my husband says something similar to that, and I always reply, 'I think they'd look good jammed in your eye sockets,' and we both laugh, LOL. But we've been married for over a decade. When we met and when we were dating, he was incredibly polite and possibly TOO slow in making advances. THIS is gross." - wingin_it0618
"This is exactly what I expect as a response from a man heavily in the dating scene right now. Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control." - BrayIsreal
"If he's giving you the ick, listen to that. It's not going to go away. Don't waste your own time or his. Plenty more fish in the sea, girl." - Zieglest
"As a man who is heavily in the dating world right now, that sounds like such a turn off, and any self-respecting girl who wants an actual relationship would not even talk to him anymore after this. It's so cringey and makes all of us guys look like there's no reason we want to go out with them other than getting laid. As a guy, it's really annoying; it makes girls weirded out by all of us. Sigh."
"Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control."
"That was the dumbest thing he could say to kill his chances. I wouldn't bother with him." - BrayIsReal
"NOR, I wouldn’t want to go anymore either. Making multiple sexual comments before even meeting someone is purposeful, and I doubt he remembers that you can’t do anything due to your surgery or even considers whether you want to."
"Don’t brush off how your gut makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to go." - AliBari
Others urged the OP to listen to her gut, not to go on that date, and to immediately block the guy.
"If he is already this forward, making sexual comments to a complete stranger, then it will only increase from here; he’s not going to suddenly stop. OP, if he already makes you feel uncertain or pressured, then don’t bother." - saiphxo
"Your gut is telling you something and wants to keep you safe. Don't ignore it." - SparkEli1
"Stay far, far away from this guy. Block. Don't look back. Men like this use high sex drive as a disclaimer for zero boundaries later." - CompetitionLankys
"Trust your intuition. Don’t go."
"I (39 Female) am very comfortable with casual sex and hook-ups. When single, I have never needed an emotional connection with a man to let off some steam. I don’t need him to make me feel special or like we have potential. I don’t need to know his hopes and dreams. I separate men into 'just sex' and 'potential for more' easily."
"I do need him to show the most basic level of respect and not be a creep. I would stop talking to this guy the instant he started speaking like that, even if my intention was to just f**k him."
"We are already talking, we are already about to go on a date, why is he turning it creepy sexual, what is that doing for either of us. It just speaks to a lack of judgment, I wouldn’t want to trust. If he can’t handle a basic text conversation without being a creep, why would I trust him to be alone with me?" - TheCa11ousB**h
"Ok, so I'm a degenerate, but even I wouldn't say something like 'those would look good wrapped around something' to a person I'd never met."
"I mean... do I have to be dad here and say the obvious? It's some guy on the internet who's looking to f**k. Is that really what you want? He can't even be bothered to type the d in the word 'and.'"
"Also, your nails look cool." - skippybeefree
"I’m more insulted that it’s just a terribly uncreative line. This guy's a bum!"
"Also, it's a huge red flag is the first thing he describes himself as a clean freak and needs things done his way. Sounds like a control freak, which would make me dip out immediately." - JeromeBarkley
"Only you know what you need to do. Feel safe. Feel comfortable. Feel SAFE!"
"If you don't, then cancel."
"Some men (I am a man) sometimes say way too much way too soon, and some men don't know how to hold a decent conversation. Sometimes just telling them how you feel about the sexual comments and seeing his reaction will tell you more than anything else he has ever said to you up until this point."
"But always remember you can choose to back out at any point in a date, even if you turn up to have dinner but can't walk in. The same goes for him as well if he turns up but doesn't walk in. We all have the right to feel safe and comfortable, especially on a first date." - Ok_goal6591
It was possible that the guy was just excited about the date, nervous to talk to someone new, socially awkward, or just joking at an inappropriate level.
Unfortunately, though, it was much more likely that these comments indicated the guy's expectations for the first date and how he would treat the OP if she set boundaries, especially regarding his inability to perform after surgery for safety reasons.
While it would be fun to meet someone new, it was much safer for the OP to wait for someone else.