Bad habits are hard to break.
The habit can be innocuous but still be detrimental.
What happens, though, when someone’s bad habit shows no sign of going away regardless of it’s impact on you?
This was the situation that brought Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Keanulove99 to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
She asked:
“AITA for canceling movie night with my boyfriend after what he did?“
First, the setup.
“I’m a movie lover I love watching tv shows and movies (like ‘Star-Trek’, ‘The Greatest Showman’, ‘Star Wars’).”
“And I have tons of favorite actors like Jake Gyllinghaal and Robert Dinero and Keanu (ugh) Reeves!”
“I even have rituals for when I watch movies. Especially new ones.”
Then the problem.
“My boyfriend ‘Andy’ and I have movie night every Thursday (together for 9 months btw we don’t live together).”
“He has a habit of googling spoilers whenever we’re watching a movie for the first time.”
“It may not be a big deal but…I hate it!”
OP expressed why it was so problematic.
“I hate when he does that! It ruins the mood, the excitement of the movie and so far he’s ruined over 14 (what would’ve been) great watching experiences.”
“He did it again after I had a talk with him about it.”
“He says he just can’t help it but I said I can’t let him ruin the one thing I’m so madly interested in.”
“I can’t even enjoy our Thursday movie night anymore because of it. He said I was right and promised he won’t do it again.”
“Heck! he even promised he won’t keep his phone with him and will leave it elsewhere.”
“This past Thursday he came over to my place so we could watch a new movie together.”
“I prepared pop corn and drinks and we sat on the sofa and started watching.”
“It was a great movie choice I was in the mood/excited to see how events turn out.”
Andy, it seemed, had learned to control the habit.
“Andy’s phone was in the kitchen so I didn’t have to worry when he started moving in the sofa looking uncomfortable.”
Until…
“I kept staring at the screen and in few minutes I heard ‘tic tic tic tic tic’ keyboard sound!.”
“I turned my face and saw Andy had my phone in his hand and was seemingly looking up spoilers for the movie.”
“I was like ‘you know? YOU KNOW! What the hell did you do that for, you also took my phone?'”
“I got mad he just kept smiling at me with his sharp teeth. He promised he won’t spoil it for me and I can trust him this time to not say anything.”
“I took my phone back hoping I’d still find out what happens in the movie on my own. He kept harassing me asking if I wanted him to tell me what was going to happen at the end.”
“I said no.”
“Minutes later he spoke up and said ‘hey babe I just wanted to tell you that XYZ will happen at the end’. “
“I blew up, I yelled calling him unbearable and selfish to have ruined yet another great movie-watching experience.”
OP decided to put a stop to it.
“He said he wanted to ease my mind about the ending after seeing me so worked up like that but I said I was done and canceled our Thursday movie night and will have a girl night in with my girls instead.”
Andy did not take it well.
“He got offended saying overreacted over a movie and that he was hurt after I canceled our ‘special night’ of the week together.”
“We usually end up having sex later on so I get why this was a big deal for him.”
Later,
“He left and then texted me later saying I ruined the night and was hard on him since this is a habit of his that’s hard to get rid of but he’s trying and I’m not giving him a chance.”
“He wants me to reconsider.”
Frustrated, OP sought out the wisdom of Reddit, wondering how best to proceed.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were impressed with OP’s perseverance.
“NTA – Surprised you let him ruin 14 films before blowing up.”
“It would be close to a deal-breaker for me if he can’t stop it, but I would certainly stop watching movies with him.”~m0dera
Others pointed out that this seemed less about a habit and more about Andy enjoying it.
“Soooo one would think you would not be in the mood anytime he looked up the ending.”
“Personally, I think he’s getting some sort of sick pleasure out of ruining the movies for you since he literally did it within minutes of you telling him not to tell you how it ended.”~Saberise
There was a discussion about how rude the behavior is.Â
“NTA – I admit… I spoil movies for myself but I would never ever share anything I have read with anyone else.”
“That is just rude.”
“That is also a red flag because if he can so easily ignore you over something small..he is not going to do it for anything else.”~justkillintime99
Trust became a focus, too.
“What if she told him a ‘spoiler’ [very personal detail] about herself?].
“I wouldn’t trust that guy with any information whatsoever. And you can’t have an intimate relationship like that.”
“OP should dump him.”~Helenium_autumnale
There was even a concern that the behavior might escalate.
“NTA – this is horribly toxic. I feel it’s super manipulative he would make it seem like you are the unreasonable one. Is it worth it?” ~MauiValleyGirl
Also,Â
“Also, don’t date people who violate your boundaries repeatedly and then act like they’re the victim when you predictably react.”
“That’s what abusers do.”
“NTA”~LeeLooPeePoo
Bad habits are hard to break.
It is important, though, to set boundaries and stick to them.
Hold your friends to the standards you need and do not be afraid to keep them accountable for breaking those standards.