After two parents separate, their future life of romance becomes a bit more complex.
For as long as they have custody of their children, each new partner will in some way become involved in that kid's life.
One Redditor is one of those new partners. She recently posted on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA) subReddit about some struggles she's encountered in that regard.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Prestigious-Loan1016 on the site, shared the inciting incident in the post's title:
"AITA for letting a 6 year old boy sleep in my bed?"
OP began by describing the ins and outs of the family situation.
"I (28-year-old female) have been dating my fiancé Ryan (36-year-old female) for 3 years, we have been living together for 1 year and are engaged for 8 months. I am currently 6 months pregnant."
"Ryan has a 6 year old son James from his previous marriage and he and his ex share custody for James."
"So James stays with his father (and now me since I moved in) for 1 week, then spends a week with his mother and her husband and so on."
Although she came on the scene late, OP has had a good time of it.
"James is a sweet little boy and we have a wonderful relationship."
"He knows that I'm not his mother and I will never try to take her place but so far living together has worked quite well."
"So last Saturday I was home with James while Ryan was at work and James was taking a nap in his room while I was watching a movie in our bedroom."
"James came to me and asked if he could climb to bed with me as he had had a nightmare and was afraid to stay alone in his room."
For OP, that was a no-brainer.
"I said sure, he climbed on his fathers side of the bed and fell asleep 5 minutes later."
"Ryan came home 1 hour later and found us both asleep on the bed with the two dogs and thought it was adorable so he took a picture."
But that photo made the rounds.
"Fast forward a couple of days, James's mom comes to pick him up from our house and asks him to go to the car so she can speak with us."
"She proceeds to tell us how inappropriate it was for me to let a young boy in the bed and cuddle with him while he was sleeping (which we didn't!) when none of his parents were home."
"Apparently Ryan's sister showed her the photo thinking she would be happy that her son and I had a nice relationship."
That led to a recent confrontation.
"She also said that she and her husband find how touchy I am with James very inappropriate and that they'll even consider applying for full custody."
"I don't know if they will but I'm literally shaking as I'm writing these. James is obsessed with my baby bump, he's generally a very cuddly child but lately he wants to put his little head on my belly for hours and listen to his baby sister."
"I love kids and I would never refuse to hug my soon-to-be stepson."
OP was stunned by how it all played out.
"It never crossed my mind that this could be considered inappropriate. I used to teach and my students would hug me all the time and none of their parents seemed to mind."
The rest of the family is on our side but I wanted an unbiased opinion. So AITA for letting my stepson into our bed and occasionally hugging him and being affectionate with him?
In case people were a bit confused by how the photo made its way to Ryan's ex, OP reiterate how it went down with an edit.
"My fiancé didn't post the photo, we don't even use social media. He sent it to a group chat with his mother and sister, who is an old friend of his ex-wife's and showed it to her when they met."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Most Redditors took OP's side completely.
"NTA. I think that woman might be a little jealous or something- that's the only explanation I can come up with as to why she's acting so crazy. But even then, her jealousy is neither your fault nor your problem."
"Keep having a good relationship with James. I know he really appreciates your kindness." -- goose_of_reddit
"NTA - The only one here being an AH is the boy's mother, who should be thankful that her son had someone he trusts enough to go to after a nightmare, rather than her ex dating a woman who would rather ignore a child's suffering."
"You did NOTHING wrong. You gave a distressed child who was in your care, comfort. There is nothing wrong with a child seeking solace after a nightmare from time to time." -- EvocativeEngima
"NTA who the hell would think it inappropriate to give a child a hug. You're not a stranger in the street for goodness sake. I would find it very hard to believe that a judge would grant full custody to the mum because his step mum loves him and treats as her own."
"You haven't done anything wrong at all. You're doing an amazing job with your stepson which is clear because he comes to you. Stay strong" -- Mamaknowsbest45
Others spoke from experience.
"As a fellow pregnant bonus mom, I'd say NTA. My stepson is 5 and he does the same thing. He's always hugging my belly and talking to his little brother and his mom encourages it. I think James mom might be insecure in the fact that your in his life and giving him a sibling."
"That was my problem for a while, but I sat down with her and told her 'I'm not trying to take your spot in his life. Your his mom and we all know that. I'm just trying to build a different relationship with him. I have a stepdad and he's become my best friend. That's all I want with him.' "
"Basically reassuring her that I'm not trying to steal her son."
"But for sure NTA. He's 6, would she expect Ryan to flip out of the roles were reversed and James went to his moms husband and did the same? 'I'm scared to sleep alone, but I trust you enough to keep me safe. Can I lay with you?' " -- tater_tot_23
"This is one of those things where every parent has different boundaries."
"From my perspective, NTA. He fell asleep next you. I don't see the harm in that. My girls have fallen asleep next to stepmom countless times and are physically affectionate (cuddles, hugs, kisses). I'm thankful they have a loving mother at dad's house."
"I can't imagine being upset by this. But, I'm not every mom. As for how to navigate it going forward, I just don't know. Good luck and I hope dad has a lawyer just in case." -- dazedkatwoman
"NTA, the ex-wife is a jealous nutjob. I wish my stepmother had given two sh**s about me and my brothers, your stepson is very lucky his father cared enough to choose a partner who accepts and loves him." -- froot_loop_dingus
"NTA. My stepmom has been in my life since I was 5 and never showed me any affection and it really messed with me."
"You don't know why, as a child, you're being told no or not being shown affection. You just assume there's something wrong with you."
"Please don't withhold affection from this sweet boy. ❤" -- snc1234
"NTA my boyfriends thirteen year old daughter climbs into bed with me when I'm there and just lays there while I play with her hair or does my nails."
"There is nothing wrong with what you did. He is a child and you are a motherly figure in his life even though you aren't his mother you have been there."
"His mother can try to take full custody but I don't see that working out since you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry she is acting this way." -- xPrincess_Jellyfishx
Others felt the motivation was obvious.
"NTA. This sounds like the typical mix of insecurity with her own relationship with her son and an 'I'm looking for any slight thing I can to go back to court.' "
"Quite honestly, she doesn't have a leg to stand on legally and while I'm sure there's a lawyer out there willing to take her money, no judge is buying that." -- Socolimes
"NTA. Sounds like they are trying to use this for their own gains which seems totally disgusting. I would suffer your partner takes no more photos which can be seen by these people in order to avoid anything like this."
"And to start on a pregnant woman, if I was your partner I'd apply for full custody!" -- saberdanger91
"NTA. She is jealous in my opinion and is using her custody rights to control the situation. Your fiancé needs to get ahead of this and it's important that you know you aren't doing anything wrong if your actions are pure. There is nothing wrong with showing affection." -- Candid-Ad-3694
With plenty of support coming in all different forms, OP can likely rest easy from here on out, whether she's alone or James is around.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp