It can be a great challenge not to trigger someone’s insecurities.
Particularly if we don’t know what they are, leading us to say something that is completely harmless in our eyes, but is, in fact, quite hurtful to others.
Even if we know what people might be insecure about and do our best to tread carefully, we might still find ourselves upsetting or embarrassing them.
Even if that wasn’t remotely our intent.
The boyfriend of Redditor Emotional_Contest212 was overweight and extremely insecure about his appearance in the eyes of others.
The original poster (OP) did her best to avoid bringing his weight into conversations.
However, she found herself needing to address it after he continued to ignore a request she made.
As the OP expected, he did not take her words kindly.
Wondering if she had been too harsh with her boyfriend, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for asking my boyfriend to not sit on my chair?”
The OP explained why she reluctantly had to bring her boyfriend’s weight into a recent argument between them:
“My boyfriend (24 M[ale]) is fat.”
“It’s just a fact.”
“He weighs around 242 pounds (110kg).”
“He doesn’t like to admit that he’s fat.”
“We’ve been living together for three years and dating for seven and I’ve NEVER seen him without a shirt on.”
“That’s him.”
“Well, recently, I (23 F[emale]) have bought an ergonomic chair for myself.”
“With my money, made specially for short people and all that.”
“It was pretty expensive, over 1.5k.”
“The weight limit is 100kg.”
“My boyfriend sometimes sits on my chair, and I always calmly ask him not to do that, not saying anything about the weight limit because anything that he can remotely link to the fact of him being fat is already a reason for an argument.”
“He did it again today, and I once again asked him not to sit on my chair.”
“Well, this time he snapped.”
“He called me selfish; he says that he shares everything that belongs to him with me (which is true), and I can’t do the same.”
“I never talk back, but I’m on my period, judge me idc, so I got annoyed really quickly and said, ‘My issue is not you using my stuff, my issue is you sitting on my chair when you’re over the weight limit, and if you f*ck up my very expensive chair, you won’t fix it’.”
“Now he doesn’t want to look at my face or hear my voice.”
“I acknowledge that I may have been harsh on my words, but I spoke them in the most calm way possible. I was just trying to explain why I don’t like him sitting on my chair.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for asking her boyfriend not to sit in her chair.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to be concerned about her expensive property.
Many felt that she wasn’t at all harsh, as she was only telling her boyfriend the truth, that her chair had a weight limit, with others questioning how healthy their relationship was based on his reaction:
“As a fat person, NTA.”
“If someone tells me not to sit on something, I know exactly what the reasoning is, and I find somewhere else to sit.”
“No need to tell me twice because my ego does not need more bruising if that sh*t breaks under me.”- fluffyoustewart
“NTA.”
“He says, ‘He called me selfish, he says that he shares everything that belongs to him with me (which is true) and I can’t do the same’.”
“Sure you share things that are common and made to share.”
“But this chair is made specifically for your size and body type, and you bought it specifically for your needs and not the common need of the household, and that is ok for you to have that.”
“He needs to respect that and just not disrespect you and use it when he knows he shouldn’t.”
“He is only showing he doesn’t really care about you but only himself.”
“As far as being harsh, you needed to be harsh as he was continuing to disrespect you as it was the only way to finally get through to him.”
“So, good for you in standing up for yourself.”- PumpkinPowerful3292
“NTA.”
“Physics doesn’t care about his feelings.”
“He will break the chair.”
“This isn’t about sharing it’s about respecting each other’s things.”
“It’s no different if he was tossing something breakable around or spilling water on electronics, it’s careless and disrespectful.”
“If he wants to use the chair at MINIMUM he needs to lose enough weight and even then he needs your permission.”- Dschingis_Khaaaaan
“‘I never talk back’….. this alarms me.”
“He’s not your parent.”
“He isn’t showing regard or respect for you.”
“He’s maybe projecting his own issues onto you.”
“You deserve better, OP.”
“NTA.”
“He’s being a jerk.”- gravitationalarray
“NTA.”
“Do you borrow his shoes?”
“Are you regularly taking his medications?”
“No.”
“Because even a couple who ‘share everything’ still have things that only fit them.”
“Does he want to start borrowing your tampons?”
‘Is he itching to use your makeup?”
“Probably not.”
“He just wants to use your chair because it’s convenient and he is being willfully ignorant about what his weight WILL do it it.”- _Internet_Hugs_
“NTA.”
“You bought an ergonomic chair for yourself, for short people, with YOUR money.”
“Not for relatives visiting guests visiting, nor your bf who is over the recommended weight limit.”
“There is no reason whatsoever that he cannot respect boundaries for something that just belongs to you and ONLY you that was for your own personal use.”
“It’s no different than one of these other Reddit posts where someone purchases food, console game, makeup, etc.”
“That people automatically take for granted that they have free reign over and don’t bother asking if they are able to utilize permission for.”
“If it was the only piece of furniture unoccupied he had available to sit down in, then different story.”
“However, highly unlikely, and he just did it out of spite because you told him no before to sit there.”-NumbersGuy22
“NTA.”
“Forget the chair.”
“Why is it ok for him to argue with you EVERY TIME the word fat comes up?”
“Sure he is triggered by it, but also, no one really has to be in a relationship with someone who turns Jekyll/Hyde at the sound of a word.”- Alfred-Register7379
“So NTA, but like as a fat person, I’m baffled as to why he’s trying to sit in it at all?”
“Like generally speaking, chairs not set up for fat people tend to be really uncomfortable for fat people to sit in.”
“This chair is set up for shorter people and has a weight limit that would exclude most fat people, and it is in your office not the more common space like the living room.”
“As it stands, not only does there seem to be little to no reason for him to be using the chair it should actually be uncomfortable for him to use (for example, most chairs with arm rests not set up with fat people in mind tend to dig in to our sides, and generally speaking you can feel if a chair isn’t designed to hold your weight and it can be an uncomfortable ‘is this actually going to collapse under me?’type feeling.”
“With your boyfriend’s height and weight (because height is a factor here too, since this was designed for shorter people) the ergonomics are in the wrong spots for him so at best it’s likely not that comfy for him and at worst can actually negatively impact his physical health, as using aids (and that is what a chair like this would be, an aid) not designed for you/your body/your body type can actually do more harm than good.”
“This chair of your’s should really not be something he wants to sit in, so him choosing to do so anyway and getting salty with you for ‘not want to share it’ (I’m sure if the chair was fine for him weight and height wise this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place) demonstrates a worrying trait of wanting to claim things that you specifically told him to stay away from which can lead to more concerning behavior about more serious issues down the road.”
“I’d seriously talk with your boyfriend about why exactly he wants to use your chair when it isn’t set up for him and generally doesn’t sound like it is located somewhere he needs to spend an abundance of time (if he does spend a lot of time in your office I’d consider working out with him to have him get his own chair for himself that is set up for him and his body type) and I definitely keep note of his response and how sincere it actually seems, because this might simply be a warning sign of more concerning future behavior and might be a sign to get out now instead of suffering more later.”-ShadowWriter21
It would have been one thing if the OP used her boyfriend’s weight as a deliberate way to insult him.
However, she was just concerned about the frailty of her chair, which she paid a fairly large amount of money for.
As is often the case, sometimes that truth can be far more painful than any lie.
And the OP’s boyfriend was given a hard dose of the truth.